Crappity crap crap. We have an office Christmas Party tonight. Grandpa is coming to baby sit a still snotty Ella. My heart is already squashed with guilt for leaving her. We’ll leave at 5:30 and be home before 9:00. I’ve been fighting with Ella every day to get her to eat even the tiniest bits of food. Normally she’s not a good eater, but honestly I don’t think she can survive on two bites of hot dog and a sip of chocolate milk. I am short-order cooking like crazy and strategically placing various foods around the house to entice Ella to end her hunger strike. I gave her pop today just to get her to drink something. If she isn’t getting better by tomorrow I'll call her Doc again.
I’m not feeling great either, my throat hurts, validating why Ella isn’t eating. There are toys from one end of the house to the other and sinks full of dirty dishes from the unsuccessful toddler diner I am running. I know I should give myself a break and let it go, but Grandpa’s coming tonight and so every cell in me wants to clean before he gets here. This urge to clean has me fighting with myself. I had an ‘aha’ moment reading Half Changed World the other day. I sometimes judge women or feel judged based on the cleanliness of the house. Sit with that for a second. I think of myself as a feminist, but I’ve done it, I’ve judged and fretted about being judged. Why is it not the man’s problem that the house is a mess? Why am I mortified that there are toys all over? I’m sure Dan could give a crap. Am I teaching my daughter this ‘female-specific shame’? How was I not aware of this domestic glass ceiling?
I do think of it as my primary job (cooking, cleaning and raising Ella) but damn it I’m sick and everyone slacks a little right? Especially when their sick.
8 comments:
Sick changes the rules on house cleaning. Don't fret.
Try not to worry too much about Ella not eating. She'll eat when she feels better. As long as she is taking in enough fluids. Not enough fluids would cause me to worry too.
Isaac is doing pretty good today. Still at the Sick Bay. He has many of the same symptoms as LaLa, but he is eating pretty good. I can't stop coughing today, and it's getting real annoying.
She wasn't drinking much till today. I bought 7up and am spiking it with Pedialite. I've changed enough wet diapers to feel a little better today.
i go thru the same struggle. one minute, i don't think i'm doing enough to keep a clean and orderly house (i like my house that way). the next minute, i give up.
to make myself feel better, i tell myself i'm cleaner than the average mom. i don't know or care if that's true.
and enjoy getting away: you need a break, too.
You do need a break. Try to have a good time when you go.
I will have to check out the Half Changed World post -- I admit to having the same issues with respect to fretting over the unclean household). It's weird, because in the office, lots of people have very messy desks, and they aren't necessarily judged for it.
That's a great point. In fact usually the messier your desk is the more important and busy the person must be.
I know exactly what you mean! A friend dropped over unannounced last week and I fretted for days about her seeing my house in a shameful state of chaos. Got to add letting go of that stupid self-expectation to my growing list of New Year's resolutions. Good luck with changing your attitude to it as well :)
Who cares about the house? Ella is your first priority. Is she nursing ok? Taking little breaths in between? Poor Andrew hasn't had a clear nose in ages. He will nurse nurse nurse, breathe breathe breathe. Just remember, as you get sick you are creating fablulous antibodies that will transmit through your milk and get her better sooner. I have seen it happen a million (well, not that many) times with my children. Keep the nursing up, she'll get better sooner!
Yeah, she's still nursing between breaths. Today was much better though. We're almost snot free!
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