Apr 12, 2006

It's My Soapbox and I'll Preach if I Want to

A few weeks ago Ella was terribly sick for the forty-hundredth time this year and she reverted to crying and kicking as her preferred form of communication. I wondered aloud on the blogosphere if it was the sickness that infected her brain or a dreaded phase she was entering. Alas the pestilence subsided, the curse lifted, the demons expunged, and the "Terrible Twos" debunked. My happy smiley child is back to speaking in full sentences, giving hugs away, saying please and thank you, helping pick up her toys and loving everything. She's a joy to be around again.

Let me take my rose colored sun glasses off and tell you that I think my kid is no different than a lot of other kids. Barring extreme circumstances like last month’s scourge, I find most toddlers remarkably pleasant and I certainly don’t care for the term “Terrible Twos”. Imagine if every time you got crabby someone leaned over and uttered “PMS”, I bet you’d just love that! So, why in the world would we choose to discount children’s feelings and difficulties by characterizing them as a phase to survive? Why demean their emotions? Is it because it’s easier to call someone a “bitch” or a “terrorist” or chalk it up to “the Terrible Twos” than to try and understand their point of view?

Maybe instead of having a “fussy baby” she is an “effective communicator”, or is she “learning to manage frustration” instead of “throwing a tantrum” and when she’s running around screaming “No! No!” maybe she is “asserting her independence” and not “trying to test your patience”. Babies and toddlers don’t yet understand patience or revenge or malice; they barely even see other people as separate entities much less understand other’s complex feelings. This is not just a PC way to say “she’s a goblin child”, I really believe kids just try to get their needs met in the best way they know how. It's up to us to guide them in learning ways to reach goals as well as teaching them about prioritizing. (Actually, I know a lot of grown ups who still need to learn about prioritizing and learning honorable and acceptable ways to reach goals).

This is why I’m so excited to see the new show “Shalom in the Home”. Rabbi Shmuley will travel the US teaching his philosophy “…there is no such thing as bad children”. I love him already. I hope the show does well.

12:45 update entitled "Oh the Irony"

Ella and I were just outside playing and the following exchange took place:

Me: You found a stick

Ella: Yeah

Me: What are you gonna to do with that stick?

Ella: I gonna poke you in da eye! (proceeds to run toward my eyeball with stick in jousting position)

9 comments:

BoomBoom said...

I did some Googling regarding "Terrible Two's" and this article struck me as being what we should all strive for:

http://www.gentleparents.com/bayer.html

Her description seems rather ideal and those of us who have gone through this stage of development, which I do believe it is (though I agree the label "terrible twos" is horrible), know it is not always as easy as it comes across in her article. I like to think at this age our children are like little sponges, learning with every passing moment how to develop, how to respond, how to predict, how to gain independenc, etc. I try to keep that in mind, but have admittedly made mistakes...lost my temper...raised my voice when I shouldn't have. My children have taught ME more than I can ever hope to teach them.

When Abi and Emi say somehting to Isaac or do someting around him, we often have the conversation... "what do you think that taught him". Watching him develop has also helped to instill in his older sisters the realization that your actions have effects and teach those around you.

Now, my daughters are another story. Two-years olds I've done.

Eleven is scaring me a bit.

Jenny said...

Funny GentleParents.com is a website that I have in my bookmarks. Good stuff there.

And yeah, we all loose it and yell at our loved ones once in a while. The last time I lost my cool and yelled at Ella she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said witha quivering lip "You yelled me Mom." It broke my heart right there.

Eleven might be easy. (Knock wood, cross yourself and spit twice).

Chris said...

I watched Shalom in the Home for the first time today.(TiVo'd it earlier this week). LOVE IT. But I'm also a TLC junkie anyway. I remember those toddler years and agree with everything you say. For goodness sake, what's so terrible about being two? My 5 yr. old will have the occasional tantrum so I've started pulling out the camcorder when he does it. I told him I'm going to share it with everyone. He hasn't had one since the last time I did that. lol.

Anonymous said...

I posted a reply but it was so long that I decided to just write about it on my own blog and reference yours, hope you don't mind. :)

Jenny said...

I'm going to store the "I'll record it" tactic away for later, thanks Chris.

and I'll me reading you mighty mouse mommy, the reference is welcome (assuming it's a nice one)

BoomBoom said...

I just read Mightymouse Mommy's reply and I think I got my hand slapped.

Jenny said...

I think we are actually in agreement here -

There are no accurate manuals for raising children.

But, I think guidelines and advice is great especially in light of loss of community people experience (those that don’t go to church or have an extended community/family to help raise kids and advise them when parenting).

I see so many people not acting civil towards their children, screaming at them and dragging them around by their little arms. I want to ask them – “Would you treat the neighbor kid like that? Then why would you treat your own like that?” People just forget their patience or maybe people forget their children are little human beings and deserve to be treated with dignity.

They deserve to be believed and listened to and taken seriously.

Maybe none of it matters when talking about what kind of adult a person will grow into… so maybe children deserve these dignities because they are children.

BoomBoom said...

No manuals? No one/right way? Someone should have told me that before I started having all these kids. Damn.

I would agree that we are in agreement. I don't think I referred to that article as the only way, just as something to strive for; empathy, understanding, teaching, nurturing, politeness, positive reinforcement, dicipline. Don't these all seem like ways we should strive to parent? I hope so.

Anonymous said...

No no my post wasn't about you Tatertot, or your comments. It was about the nature of the attitude, if you will, of the article and author there of.

I had been reading a book lately called "It Takes a Parent" which I was loving at first. Essentially it was making the point that children NEED their parents to be in control. Which I agree with 100%. I remember once when I went to the bakery with Lou a few years ago and there was a woman and her son there looking at the different birthday cakes. It was clear that she was NOT a parent in charge of her son but her son in charge of HER. "Yes dear, ok dear. Are you sure honey? Oh, ok, sorry." Was all that was coming from her when all that was coming from him was anger, disrespect, and hostility. Lou and I tried not to gawk with our mouth open but the minute we left Lou said "I can't beLIEVE the way that boy was talking to his mom! And she was being so nice and just letting him talk to her that way." Clearly she was from the parenting culture that believes you should never get angry with your child, you should never correct bad behaviors only reward good ones, you should allow them to "express" themselves no matter the cost. I wholeheartedly disagree with this belief. When we, in the grown up world, do something that hurts another person or something we shouldn't do, people tend to get angry. When we do something we SHOULD do, for instance do the dishes, there's no one there to give us a gumball. To me not only does this way of raising children send them off into the world ill prepared but so completely self-centered and absorbed that they have their own orbit.

However... Somewhere in the first 60 pages her sentiments of listening to your heart and not just some Jo Schmoe about how to raise your children faded into "Hello, my name is Jo Schmoe." I put down the book.

I agree that there's some really good advice out there, but honestly the best advice, imo, is in here, your heart. My heart tells me that while listening to other moms can be very helpful, that we as mothers - as a "community" and as sisters in the world should unite to do these things, consider each other equals instead of trying to be the leader of the pack, unwilling to believe that somewhere out there is an older child raised by a different philosophy as happy and well adjusted as your own.

I dunno, I think I'm rambling now. But I honestly wasn't slapping your hand. :) Just, I guess, getting on my own soap box and saying that any person who thinks they know THE way to raise EVERY child is simply way too self absorbed to be in touch with reality.