Pals

My dear pal Tatertot posted her Pal Criteria today and Duchess Jane posted her Dating Requirements. It’s gotten me thinking about my friends. Here’s the thing, I’ve lost a few friends in the past. I don’t mean like we got in a fight and don’t talk anymore, I mean like she was killed in a car accident or he started the car and closed the garage door and went to sleep, or she was raped and strangled in a park. Sad? – Yes extremely. Tramatizing? – Yes extremely. Coincidentally frequent? – Yes, extremely. Consequently, I didn’t make very close friends for a very long time. I was building a monument to friendship celibacy, like a widow. I was determined to make it true that I would NEVER have close friends like that again. A few years into my marriage and a few extremely jealous arguments about Dan spending time with his friends, I had an epiphany, I didn’t have any pals and that was MY problem not anyone else’s.

For a few years now, I’ve been working at being a better friend and keeping in touch with people and making sure that I have pals. It occurred to me this morning when reading both Duchess Jane’s and Tater Tot’s posts that perhaps I should stop amassing friends to prove to myself that I can and lay down some criteria. It’s quality not quantity. Plus I can never pass up the opportunity to make a good list.

The List

• Must like children
• Must respect my choices to raise my child the way I do
  -Don’t freak out when I whip out a breast to feed my kid (similarly I don’t want to have to try and explain breast feeding to your kid at this moment either. That’s for you to explain).
  -You have to be able to stand my messy house, you child will leave all play dates at my house with dog hair on their clothes.
  -Do not give my child a sip of your pop, coffee, chocolate milk or drag off your cigarette without looking to me first.
• Must raise you children similarly, I can’t have my kid witnessing things…
  -If you regularly hit/spank your child
  -If you yell things like “Shut UP! Damn, freakin’ brat!”
  -If the kids only eat after the grown ups (my aunt's in-laws did this, it was a respect thing, and it was weird)
  -If you can’t handle when our kids are both yanking on the same toy (they’ll have to learn to work it out)
• Must respect my time.
  -My family time is sometimes limited and if I plan a date with you, it’s because I really do have to plan it ahead.
  -Broken play dates break my heart every time (unless you kid’s sick, in which case thank you for not passing it along)
  -Please don’t ramble on about whether it was Friday at 10am or Tuesday at 11:15 because if it’s not important to the story I don’t freaking care.
• Please don’t try to spend too much time with me. I get sick of Dan and I LOVE him; I’ll get sick of you even faster if you try to see me every day.
• You must be willing to tell me when I’m wrong, it’s hard to respect someone who kisses your ass
• If you are mad at me, you have to tell me. I don’t get subtle hints
  -I once walked into a meeting late and heard a colleague saying “She does it just to make me mad, I can’t stand it anymore! I’ve repeatedly hinted that it bothers me and she doesn’t even care! Boss, you have to do something about this situation.” I offered “I’ll help, who are we talking about?” colleague turns to me, burst into tears and yells “YOU!” (I had no idea).
• If I ask you what’s wrong and you say “Nothing” I choose to believe you. Please, give me the same courtesy
• Please don’t ever assume that because we are friend that our husbands should be. Mine is a fickle, blunt, crabby, curmudgeon with very little time to spend with his friends and family, he’s likely to tell your husband to his face to go find his own friends.
• Don’t ask me to come to your Tupperware, Candle, Avon party unless we’ve been friends for more than 3 years and you won’t be offended when I don’t buy anything.
  
  
  

Bonus qualities (not required)

• Funny
• Eccentric
• Willing to try new things
• Can suggest fun things to do (to avoid “What do you wanna do?” “I dunno what do you wanna do?”)
• Has own money (I don’t like to pay every time)
• Likes to drink and dance
• My husband likes you too

I’m sure there’s a billion things I missed or am obsessing about that don’t really matter, but Jane was right, that was therapeutic.