Finding Marge aka The Mommy Jean Chronicles

Here it is the long awaited much anticipated Mommy Jean Study, affectionately known as “Finding Marge”. All photos are of the same person on the same day in two different pair of size 7-jeans (it’s me).

Study #1 – The Humpty Dumpty

I went out to my favorite local clothing resale shop and had pretty good luck finding my first pair of Mommy Jeans. I call them the Humpty Dumpty jeans. My dear friend Jennie came over to take photos. I put the jeans on and Jennie laughed so hard she almost peed. I walked past my husband and he exclaimed “Oh my god! I can’t even look; I think I need to wash my eyes!”

Booty Shot



















As you see the Mommy jeans literally double the total bootockle area. If the rise of your jeans (the rise refers to the space between your crotch and the top of the jeans) brings the jeans well above your belly button, toss ‘em. Ladies it is making your butt look twice as big.









The Mommy jeans created instant “camel toe” I’m not sure why or what causes this effect. It’s a definite crotch cut problem. Lesson here - always try on jeans at the store and ALWAYS check for camel toe.*













*Note: There were no actual camels harmed during shooting of the camel toe.

By no means do I have what is referred to as an “apple butt” I wish I did, I have a slopey sliding off rear. The Mommy jeans make the slidey rear appear as if it has already slid. Please also note how saggy it makes the boobies look. The bulge just above the mommy jeans is in fact the boobies – see the overlay picture (#3) for confirmation. All I can say here is ‘oh-my!’ Again, pay attention to the rise of the jean, if they make it to the bottom of your bra – then your boobies will certainly be at your waist.

While the uterus is a wonderful beautiful and miraculous thing and should be celebrated in many ways it should NEVER be upholstered in denim and displayed out into the middle of the room like an ottoman.






















Tapered legs really seem to accentuate the wideness of the hips. The giant tote bag and tucked in shirt seem to round out rest of the mommy costume.

Conclusion: I believe I found a bit of Marge today. These jeans were very comfortable and in no way attractive to anyone in the room. Prolonged use of these jeans could possibly lead to severe sex deficits and crabbiness all around.

Please join us next month for Study #2 the “Bleavage Jean”. So named for the butt-cleavage, popularized by young mommies who are too young to let go of their youth and too… well… too mommy shaped to be wearing super tight hip huggers with whale-tail** peeking out.

Urban Dictionary definition of Mom Jeans
**Whale tale (Not safe for work or little ones)