What's in my Backyard

So we’ve never really gotten along with our neighbors. It started with my Chihuahua slipping his chain and chasing Mrs. Wertz to her back door. Mrs. Wertz is a sturdily built Boy-scout Den-Mother who bikes and hikes and could very possibly play roller derby but when our little eight pound Alijandro got to thinking he was a big dog he’d Houdini that chain and chase her right through the back yard while she shrieked and wailed. Sometimes she’d get a broom and try and whack him with it. I knew this would never do so we saved up and bought a fence. It was the best investment I ever made for us and the dogs but still Mrs. Wertz would kick the fence and shriek “Shut up!” at the barking menace that my dog became.

It didn’t help that he loved this game. Upon opening the door he’d shoot outside like a bullet straight over to the side yard checking for Mrs. Wertz or any family member that might smell like her. The incessant barking would commence until I called him in and if any of the unfortunate neighbors were attempting to enjoy their back yard I would have to walk out into the yard, pick him up bring him back in. She never kicked the fence when I was standing there but sometimes I’d be around the corner watering the garden and I’d hear the chain link rattle all at once because she’d kicked it and I’d fantasize about running around the corner with the hose.

Well since then we had Ella and decided to give little Alijandro to a family with more time to spend with him. He loved to be in your lap which I wouldn’t allow with a fresh faced newborn in my lap. So things have gotten significantly quieter between the neighbors and us. I just can’t help it though every time our remaining dog Wednesday rolls in something gross in our back yard I wonder what Mrs. Wertz threw out there. I know it’s the epitome of paranoid, but I once saw her son throw a brick at my Chihuahua and wouldn’t it be funny to throw a piece of limburger in your neighbor’s back yard so their dog rolled in it and then went in the house and played with the kids and rolled on the couch before your neighbor figured out what that smell was and gave everyone a bath and washed the couch? Yeah – that’d be freaking funny as hell.