Jun 4, 2006

Why I Can Never be on Survivor

I’m blind. I wear contacts, but without them I am doomed. When the eye doctor says “Read the uppermost line on the chart” I say “Am I pointing towards the chart? I think I faintly see a grey smudge on the wall… oh, that’s you Doctor.” My glasses are very thick, when I was a kid I always had a little bump on my nose where my glasses sat and calluses above my ears and I could never pick the cute little wire frames I wanted. I was always shown over to the case with the big plastic frames that would hold lenses thick enough to burn ants in 2 seconds flat. Even now I try to pick ultra chic lenses but they just look icky once I get my great hunks of glass fitted into them and yes, I even pay the extra for the feather weight stuff. I’m telling you I can’t read my watch without my lenses. So only when my eyes are tearing up and screaming at me “Get these contacts off we need oxygen NOW!” do I get my glasses out. I try to wait until Sunday's because I could never drive with my glasses on. My world bends into a giant fish-bowl, I stub my fingers and toes on everything thinking the world is further away than it actually is, the floor bends in a permanent down hill slope wherever I go making it impossible to comfortably look at my feet while walking and Dan and Ella morph into my very own life size Bratz-Dolls with their giant heads and eyes boggling all around the house. It’s like being stuck in a Tom Petty video, it gives me a headache. Someday I’ll save up to have them shoot lasers into my eyes and carve them back into shape and even then I’ll probably still need glasses but maybe then I can get something in a cute little wire frame. But until then I'll just spend my Sundays in my fish bowl.

5 comments:

cameo said...

that stinks! i've always had perfect vision, but now i can tell i'm becoming far-sighted. i'm gonna need reading glasses soon. my mom had the laser surgery and it changed her life. do it if you can. you'd think they would have come up with more advanced lenses by now.

Java Junkie said...

Before I even read the post I showed Ella to Monkey and said "Oh my lord, what did she do to poor Ella? She looks like a giant Bratz doll."

have you tried the ultra cool square like lenses with the thick black frames that are "in" now? I'm switching insurance within the next month so I've been waiting to have an eye exam (yes, I'm mostly blind here, too) and I've been looking forward to those frames and once again clear lenses (orange lenses gets old after 3 years lol)

Either way, I can sympathize. I just had to get a state I.D. because I couldn't pass the eye exam to renew my driver's license - WITH my glasses on. How bad is that? lol

The Mother Load said...

That is freakin' hilarious! You nailed it exactly. I've been wearing glasses since I was 7 and you described it all perfectly. My doctor asks if I ever take off my contacts, I tell him all the time, but that's a lie.

BEST FREAKIN' POST AWARD goes to you! :)

Nancy said...

Yep, I'm totally blind too. In order to read without my glasses I have to hold a book up to within an inch of my eyes. I'm actually too far gone, vision-wise, to qualify for the laser surgery. Oh well, at least I still can get contacts and glasses in my prescription!

Jenny said...

It's kinda nice that those big plastic 50s frames are in again. I bought them in pink last year and they looked cool on me untill they actally put the glass in them and my eyes seemed to grow by three sizes.

and Thanks Mother Load