Miss America - an outdated wank-a-thon. Here’s what an updated Miss America contest should be
1. Each participant has to have at least a 3.75 GPA. and an impressive plan for the future.
2. Each woman must be registered to vote and have something intelligent to say about politics (city, state, national, global - whatever) to prove they are an informed voter.
3. Women would be allowed no makeup (yeah you heard me – NONE)
4. Women would be disqualified for plastic surgeries, died hair, duct-taped boobies and all other illusions of the body, including fake nails.
5. Women will perform feats of athleticism to prove their health and endurance
6. There will still be an evening wear competition, makeup will be allowed. (I can't completely give up the pretty, but gowns aren't necessary, one may wear a pantsuit or tight jeans and a sparkly shirt if so desired)
7. Two talent competitions; the first will be entertaining and the second will be useful to society ie: a contestant may be able to juggle or sing but then she must also be able to effectively lobby in favor gun control or vaccinate Bangladeshi orphans against polio.
8. In place of the swimsuit competition we would just have them come out nude. It would demystify women’s bodies and girls could actually compare their own breasts to the sag of a real breast (see #3). What’s the point of a swimsuit anyway? You can see most if them already.
9. The judges get to ask her parents about her most embarrassing moment (it’ll be like a national televised embarrassing Thanksgiving dinner conversation).
10. The people get to vote by phone/internet (like American Idol)
11. The winner gets to represent our youth by being an honorary cabinet member to the President of the United States of America.
12. No crown, as America is not a Monarchy the winner gets letterhead and a pen, ok maybe some flowers too.
I can’t think of any more. Please feel free to add.
Thanks again Jennie for the inspiration.
9 comments:
Ok maybe #8 is stupid. In America, this worship of the purest form would never fly. It would turn it into another wankathon. Just nix #8.
This post is really clever! Wank-a-thon, hahahaha.
Miss America should also be required to spend her year doing more than just appearing at the opening of Wal-Marts. I don't know what, but something that isn't just a photo opportunity.
I think the surest sign that Miss America is ALREADY on the way out is that the pageant was televised on CMT. There really isn't anything below that, except perhaps local cable access. It interrupted a few reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard, but otherwise it's dying on its own.
I'm not sure if the following comments are due to my deep seeded belief system or simply because I have fun being an opposing voice:
Numbers 1 & 2: What makes you think they don't now?
Number 4: Isn't this a condemnatory? I dye my hair, get fake nails from time to time, would get a tummy tuck tomorrow if I had the cash and had braces to fix my crooked teeth. Would I be disqualified?
Number 5: If most of these women could perform feats of athleticism they would be going to college on an atheletic scholarship already or be training for the Olympics.
Numbers 3 & 6: By stating in #6 that makeup will be allowed because you can't completley give up pretty insinute you feel make up is needed to be pretty?
Number 7: Would it be okay if the candidate is able to effectively lobby in favor of a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage or pro-life?
Number 8: I got nothing there for you. I'm always up to see naked chicks.
Number 9: I personally wouldn't want anyone televising my most embarrassing moment and I hope to god my parents don't know about it.
Number 10: This would necessitate TWO shows being televised, one for presentation/voting and one to announce the winner. So you want MORE?
Number 11: No one person could ever represent a group as broad as our nations youth.
Number 12: You all know how I feel about tiara's.
Two additional facts about the Miss America Organization:
In 2005, the Miss America Organization granted scholarships totaling more than $45 million dollars to over 12,000 women. It is the world’s largest provider of scholarships assistance specifically designated to young women.
Since 1989 contestants have been required to choose an issue relevant to our country on which to educate and represent during their tenure, referred to as the “platform concept”. Causes spotlighted since its inception have been homelessness, HIV/AIDS prevention, domestic violence, diabetes awareness and literacy. The eventual winner travels more than 20,000 miles each month, visiting a new city every day to speak on their chosen issue (and cut Wal-Mart ribbons).
Actually I know the very few times I've watched Miss America the few contestants I saw profiled were either valedictorian of their HS, had a 4.0 or better, etc.
I totally dig the whole platform issue. I'm so about social justice it isn't funny.
And again I have to side with Tater on the 3&4 issue. I only wear make up once in awhile but I feel I look healthier when I do. I would also opt for cosmetic dentistry in a millisecond and the minute I get a gray hair I'm opting for Miss Clairol ;)
Hey Mrs. Bean - I have clicked on your site every 30 minutes for the past five hours (yes, I need more to do) waiting for your sharp comeback. C'mon, don't keep the Tater in suspense.
Sorry, I was out babysitting for a friend this afternoon. I couldn’t wait to get home and see what was said. I love you internets!
I believe it is correct that most participants have excellent grades and bright futures. Most also have made terrific efforts in our communities and they do go on to do fabulous things with their titles including Walmart-wankathons all in the name of Miss. America. Perhaps my problem is that none of these things are spotlighted.
We live in a time where middle class 30 something’s eat up Extreme Home Makeover like Frappuccino all the while nodding to each other and smiling about what a socially conscious nice feel good show it is. So let’s throw a little of that into Miss America, combine it with a little nudity (for ratings during the first episode) and then we’ll air all the back stage snarky comments (the behind the scenes if you will) in the second episode and announce who’s charity raised the most money from call in votes/donations be it Pro-life or Pro-Marijuana ($1.00 a call) and then we give her the anointed letter head and her pen and her flowers.
How bout that?!
I stand firm on the tiara. This is America we don’t have royalty here. (Although I am all for wearing sparkly very tall headbands on one’s birthday, wedding day, prom or any other day one feels like it).
The reason I think #4 is so important is – we have a show called the swan to teach out children that anyone can look like Barbie with enough money, we don’t have a show that proves that we all look great even when we aren’t putting duct tape on our breasts.
You got me on the makeup, perhaps makeup should be allowed.
Feats of athleticism will prove one’s health even if one isn’t thin as a rail. They don’t have to be record setting feats, just feats. Even I had to run a mile under 12 minutes to graduate high school. Again this would set a better example of what our daughters should work towards.
This is really about what we would tell our daughters to strive for in my opinion. I remember when I used to stay up late and root for IL every year.
jenny, thanks for putting some thought into this issue and carrying on the dialague!
i'm all for social justice and scholarships, but like you said, the show doesn't highlight that. it focuses on beauty.
Good response! It *is* so very sad that when you ask people the first thought that enters their mind when you say "Miss America" is either "A bathing suit and high heels" or "A tiara and a big bouquet of flowers" depending on which gender you ask
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