We vote, we work, we make laws, we raise families, we worship, we enjoy all of the wonderful things that all American’s enjoy yet we are oppressed by our culture in ways we no longer notice. I am speaking on a more personal level about women’s liberation. I think a liberated woman should feel her ideas are free to be spoken and shared and pursued without fear of her government, her peers, her school, her family, or her friends.
How simple it sounds – to be able to speak your mind without fear.
To say:
-I’m voting for
-Give me a day off and a raise
-I will breastfeed here in public
-I don’t like your boyfriend
-I like bright red lipstick
-I’m in love with you
-It’s my body
-I will not clean the house today
-I can’t help you
-I’m never going to wear panty hose again
-I deserve
-I will dye my hair blue
-Because I said so
-I think
How hard it actually is to do. I thought I didn’t have good friendships because I was picked on as a child and as a result became opinionated but it occurred to me, maybe I was disliked because I am outspoken. It’s a threat “Wait a minute, that one there, she isn’t acting like she’s supposed to. Quick shoot her, she’s probably gone rabid!” The dissent can liberate one from what I think are antiquated social mores and sometimes they liberate one from friendships. So it goes, there is always a price and that is why it is hard.
We’ve all grown up with the knowledge that the same characteristics that can make a man an honest and fair leader make a woman a heartless and bossy bitch. The same honest character that makes men invite my husband to stand for them in their weddings keeps me from standing in anyone’s. I’ve heard “opinionated”, “judgmental”, “blunt”, “critical”, “disapproving”, “harsh”, “frigid”, “cold”, “unsympathetic”, “callous”, “aggressive”, “ruthless”, “inconsiderate”, “severe”, “insensitive”, and “defiant”. I wear these titles proudly as they have been given to me many times since I was a girl, so many times they no longer have a negative meaning for me as I remember the double standard and they represent my liberation.
Because I said so.
Women's Lib Casserole postcard
36 comments:
you're basically only pointing out that any trait we may have runs along a good/bad continuum... one person's thriftiness is another person's miserliness, one person's outspokenness is another person's tactlessness and so on... i'm not really sure if this needs to be put in a feminist perspective...but then i'm a man and by definition insensitive :)
That is a good point. How do you feel about a strong woman who speaks her mind???
Maybe it's regional - I live in the midwest, in a farm community. Perhaps in big cities this no longer holds water.
Maybe it's a character flaw and I am wrapping it up in the flag?
Input ladies?
I think you should be able to speak your mind without fear but need to remember that the person you're speaking to has thoughts and feelings as well.
Perhaps rather than being wrapped up in your liberation and feminism, you could take a look at yourself to ensure you aren't using that as a crutch to be a bitch and shit on those you love.
i'm all for strong women who speak their minds... heck, i even voted for one in our (Germany's) last election :)
and i don't think any character is flawed...character is just a construct that everyone fuills with his or her own meaning (here i am getting all constructivist again...read my post on constructivist psychology if you're not bored out of your mind by now)
I suppose that makes you a man who likes liberated women. how wonderful to have the chance to vote for a woman! I still don't think Americans are ready for it(sad).
I would agree with Kelly's Personal Construct Theory.
Within that context I am wondering if an outspoken woman is a challenge in the face of societal constructs. I would argue she is.
It sounds to me that you are using your childhood and these titles are a way to give yourself permission to treat the world as you wish. I've known many women who felt that it was their right to speak their minds (which it totally is) but are not willing to accept the consequences of their actions.
I surround myself with strong men and women (like speaks to like). Each and every one are compassionate - that is one of their biggest strengths (in my opinion). I would never use any of the "titles" you so proudly wear to describe them.
Julie
That is true. I will always treat people as I wish - how else would I treat them?
If you wish is respect and dignity that would be lovely but judging from your post - that isn't what you are saying at all.
It's your life to do with as you please but when you treat the world as your toilet, it can get lonely very quickly.
Julie
I know the titles are hard to swallow - but they are slung like mud every day. We hear it on the Tonight show in reference to Hillary.
Many of us surround ourselves with like but that doesn’t erase the names that we are called. Liberal Elite?
I wouldn't say I'm lonely but I have often said
"I don't get along very well with women."
"Most of my close friends are men."
The few close women friends I have uttered the same.
Wow Jen - You ignited a firestorm with this one.
I haven't been told I was a bitch and shit on those I love for at least a week or two.
Tot - alas you have the devine diplomatic gene. You are a liberated woman who is also eloquent and you my dear should run for office.
But why do you feel that being vicious (judging from the tone of this post) makes you a strong person. Personally, I think it's quite weak. I think only a strong person can deal with issues in a honest & caring way.
Comparing yourself to Hilary is ridiculous. She's a politician. She's not getting ripped up because she's a woman, she's getting ripped on because she's in politics.
I would think, as a strong woman, you would want the world to see you in a positive light. Instead you are just allowing the stereotype to continue... Strong Woman = Total Bitch.
Julie
I'd been working up to this for days. It was all the comparison between judgmental and prejudice and then we all said we were judgmental and then I wondered why that had a bad connotation to it. Then I thought maybe it shouldn't.
You are right it is like being black embracing the "N" word. Perhaps I am taking the wrong approach. Perhaps all those cute little baby t-shirts out there for our daughter's to wear aren't so cute when they proclaim "Bitch" and "Fussy".
gee i could've sworn i posted before... anyway, i guess you could say that a strong, outspoken women is a challenge to the inflexible construct systems of some (many? most?) men.
while we do have a female chancellor now, i was amazed at the subtly anti-women comments that surfaced during the campaign.
but i suppose that's nothing against the vilification ms. clinton will likely have to endure.
Last time I checked, being a kind and supportive friend was not antiquated social behavior.
"being a kind and supportive friend was not antiquated social behavior"
I would agree with that.
I’m surprised that talking about being “opinionated”, “judgmental”, “blunt”, “critical”, “disapproving”, “harsh”, “frigid”, “cold”, “unsympathetic”, “callous”, “aggressive”, “ruthless”, “inconsiderate”, “severe”, “insensitive”, and “defiant” implies being unkind or unsupportive. I would prefer a friend, relative, teacher, tell me an unkind truth than not say anything at all. Do we do ourselves any favors by enabling society to perpetrate behaviors we don't agree with? Isn’t standing by without speaking our minds just as bad?
And why doesn’t someone tell Trump his hair looks bad?
Herein lies the problem.
Donald Trump you have bad hair!
Why do you have to be a bitch to tell the truth? My mother-in-law's friend thought her hair was a bit "young for her advanced age" and offered to treat her to a spa day w/her - cut, color, etc. My Mother-in-law knew exactly what this woman was trying to tell her... Girl, that hair has got to go. No offense was taken.
A good friend of mine is worried about another friend. This woman is making very bad choices and is putting herself in danger. She could have told her to pull her head out of her ass and stop fucking around (which would be justified) and probably would have lost the friend and the friend probably would have continue to spiral out of control. She invited her friend to dinner and told her how worried she was about her. She wanted to understand why she was making the choices she had been making. Her friend ended up breaking down and confessing she wanted help but didn't know where to turn.
Can you see the difference? In both of these situations they could have been opinionated”, “judgmental”, “blunt”, “critical”, “disapproving”, “harsh”, “frigid”, “cold”, “unsympathetic”, “callous”, “aggressive”, “ruthless”, “inconsiderate”, “severe”, “insensitive”, and “defiant”.
They weren't and still have good friends to show for it. Please don't wear "I don't have many women friends" as a badge of honor. It just says that you have managed to alienate every woman in your life and that's just sad.
Julie
That's precisley my point. Why should I feel like I have to dance around and offer a trip to the spa? When my husband would just say to his friend "Dude, what did you do to your hair? That's looks like crap."
As a side I no longer say "I don't have any women freinds" it was sad.
For me, it's not about dancing around an issue as much as it is being kind. My husband would never say something that harsh to his friends. He wouldn't offer to take them for a spa day either but he wouldn't be unkind.
Hey, different strokes and all that. If it works for you - great.
Yeah, one also has to see the merit in the fact that just because it's true doesn't necessarily mean it needs to be said.
We spend alot of time teaching our children to avoid saying things like
"Wow, that lady is really ugly mom." or the famed "You have bad breath Gramma."
I'm just ticked that we think a man is 'forward' and a kid is 'just being honest' but a woman is 'cold'.
It's because it's against the norm again back to Kelly's Personal Construct Theory brought up by Kaicito above.
Who's "we"? Sounds to me like someone has called you on the carpet for something you have said to them that was hurtful and you are trying to justify it with feminism. It doesn't wash.
If a man makes a rude comment, he is just that... rude. Just like if a woman made the same comment she'd be rude.
"We" refers to all mortified mothers who's child has dared to tell the truth right out in public.
Actually the whole conversation started with this post
http://bombadee.blogspot.com/2006/01/shes-so-well-spoken-for.html
and has remained relavent for me for a few days now. So I thought I'd throw it out there and find out some other points of view on the subject. I must say I thought I'd be debating it with a man.
How's that for a preconcieved idea.
Who's being rude here again?
Oh and 'we' also refers to Kelly's Personal Construct Theory or society's construct. (I had to re-tread to catch the second 'we' that you were asking about)
Hmm the difference between rude and forward. Fine line there. Good point Julie.
Also do not forget that you need to consider whom you're talking to. A guy can say "Dude what's going on with that hair!" and the guy it's being said TO won't burst out into tears or take it wrong. A woman who hears that her haircut isn't working for her in such a blunt tone would probably be insulted. But if a WOMAN said to a GUY "dude..." the guy still wouldn't take it wrong. If a guy said it to a girl, in more cases than not the guy would be sleeping on the couch.
I have also been one to say that I get along better with men than women for a fair part of my life but it isn't because they shy away from me for being outspoken (which I am) but it's because a majority of the time if a woman is single she's seen as competition and many times hurtful, even hateful things are said to and about the "competition." I even once had a "friend" tell my entire office that not only was I having an affair with our married boss but that I had conceived and aborted his child. Neither were true in the LEAST. She was just threatened because everyone seemed to like me "better." - She later said as much.
sorry for the long post, blame it on cold meds lol
Ah Mightymouse mommy, I'd been waiting for you to chime in.
*cringe*grumble*cringe* I HATE the hormone thing. Especially considering the little known scientific fact that men have hormonal cycles and get crabby once a month as well but when a man's crabby he's "justified."
As for the t shirts, I suppose they could be cute on, say, toddlers, but on older girls I think they're doing a disservice to both themselves and our gender as a whole. To proclaim yourself a "Princess" to me means you need other people to do things for you and I want our young women to grow up KNOWING that they can do it for themselves. To proclaim yourself a bitch to me says you have no concern of others. HOWEVER if someone ELSE proclaims you a bitch, you can do what I do.. After looking at the situation and deciding that you truly did not act in a heartless way you simply say "Yes. I'm female by birth. Bitch by CHOICE." and let them choke on it.
*imitates Jack Nicholson* "You want the truth??! You can't HANDLE the truth!! Your haircut is yucky!"
:)
Sorry Mightymouse mom's post sounds funny - I had a hormone comment in there that she is addressing that I erased.
I decided that was a can of worms for another day.
Jen I have to hand it to you today, awesome post. It's had me thinking and re-thinking all day. I wanted to share with you a very short story that is EXACTLY on this topic...
Almost 6 years ago my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphatic cancer. When he went in for surgery the doctor said they found a lot more cancer than they expected to find but that they thought they got it all, etc.
During recovery and post surgical treatment of both chemo and radiation he was nourished through a "pic line." This is a semi-permanent port through which he's fed liquid diet.
After about 3 months of this he became gravely ill. The doctors just attributed it to the effects of treatment. When my mom called to order another supply of his liquid diet, the supply house she was ordering it from expressed concern at the length of time he had been on it. She called his radiologist whom in turn called his chemo therapist. Neither of them knew he was still being fed this way, both had ASSUMED the other doctor had taken him off. When my dad's fever spiked my mom rushed him to the hospital ER only to find out that he had a VERY serious staph infection caused from the pic line being in so long. He was hospitalized immediately. He still has the staph infection to this day and he always will, unfortunately.
Upon learning this I packed up my life and moved in with my mom. His doctors soon started referring to me as "Martha Stewart meets Vlad the Impaler" because I was very nice, very cordial, but I am also very strong minded, strong willed and wasn't about to let another "oversight" take my dad from me. The infection was so bad that his doctor and best friend said "On a scale from 1-10, 10 being death your dad is an 8, maybe 9." I stayed at the hospital every day from dawn until I could no longer hold my head up at night anymore. The nurses learned not to tell me I couldn't look at my dad's charts and the doctors learned to "ok it" with me before they scheduled a test for my dad. They also learned to schedule about 15 - 20 extra minutes when coming to see him because I would be there making sure they explained everything and that all other alternatives had been discussed with us.
To this day my dad credits his recovery to me. To this day I credit it to the Vlad the Impaler in me that I'm so very glad was there when I needed him to be.
The point here is that while I'm sure in their circles, outside of my family members, I was being called a bitch, I know that the nurses and my family members "had my back" and knew what I was doing was right. I had one nurse specifically come up to me and tell me she wished all her patients families were like me.
So bitch, Vlad, whatever. They both have their very important "uses." Just my opinion.
You're right. We can only do what we think is best we can not control other's feelings. This is especially important I understand when raising teenagers.
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