Pontification of Social Issues that Really Matter: Forget Poverty and Civil Liberties, Let's Talk Birthdays

Christmas Eve-Eve, after she opened the pony we had the following conversation

“You got a pony!”

“I love it! I want to play with it”

“Wow, what will Santa bring you now?”

“Nothing, I already got a pony.”

“Is there anything else you want?”

“Nope, I already got a pony” duh mom

This, following a conversation she had with Santa in which she asked him for a pony and he said “what else would you like?” and she looked at him with an expression that said “What do you mean old man? I just told you I wanted a pony – what else is there?!” and he looked back at her like he had never met a child that only wanted one thing before.

So now that she possesses the lone object she so desperately desired, we will throw her a birthday party. It will be a small party. I’ve decided to take the heat and only have a few toddlers her age over, no grandparents, no aunts and uncles, and not everyone that was on the initial list of party guests.

If I invite everyone we feel very close to whom Ella plays nicely with their children and whose kid’s birthday party we’ve been to we’d have 47 people in our home next week. And though this sounds fun at first and I do have a half sheet cake pan, I’m sure somewhere past 20 guests is were the party focus changes from birthday celebration to damage control. I have to start using phrases like “Oh no, please don’t put pop in the dogs bowl” or “I think your baby either swallowed the Lemon Meringue doll’s shoe or a piece of yellow Playdoh” and perhaps the saddest phrase often uttered at large parties we’ve hosted “Does anyone see Ella?”

Last year I made the hard decision to invite a few of Ella's most frequently played with buddies her own age and the party was tiny and manageable and a relief. Not even her grandparents came that day but later I found dear friends who also looked foreword to Ella's birthday gave her presents and then I felt guilty for not inviting them to the party. But the thought of digging crayons and shmooshed grapes out of the bathroom sink drain, because lets face it when 50 people are in one place who knows where all the kids are or what they’re doing does not sound like an enjoyable time.

I know the rule is you’re supposed to just invite kids numbering the age of the child plus one, but it seemed too hard and honestly my pangs of guilt hang over from last year. I consulted the internet to see what people actually think and blog about (because that’s where the truth is told out into the anonymous blogosphere). Some moms obsessed over popularity like school girls themselves. I read a story about an aunt uninvited to a child’s birthday and how hard she is taking it. My guilt-o-meter was running on high after that and next I read an account of a neighbor lady who’s children were not invited but the party-mom tried to talk to her about it to keep the friendship healthy. Resulting in her mulling it over with her internets and amongst her bloggies, people agreed it’s tacky to talk about a party if you aren’t inviting someone. While I agree, here I am brooding at length well knowing that lots of you who read might like to celebrate with us.

Then the voice of reason or at least an opinion I liked rose above the din. Katrina writes the simple truth.

“…Again, I get that there's a certain amount of etiquette that should be followed. You wouldn't send your child into school with invitations for all but one child, allowing him to make a big deal of who's invited. And who's not. But if my son were to innocently find out that he was not invited to a party that a few other kids were invited to... yeah, my heart would break a little at his sadness. But this is another one of those life lessons -- we don't always get included in everything. Kids we play with and get along with might not invite us to their birthday party. That happened to me plenty of times as a child. And it happens as an adult - people I know and get along with don't invite me to every single gathering. What would it say about me if I got mad every time I wasn't included?...

…My point is, there are these "life truths," for lack of a better term, these "that's-just-the-way-it-is" concepts that my kids need to know and come to terms with in order to become functional adults...”

She’s absolutely right; people can’t invite everyone they know to everything they do. It would be ridiculous and you just can’t read that much into an invitation. Adults don’t find their worth or identity in what events they are or are not invited to so why not extend this concept to our children. Just because I don’t invite everyone to a dinner party doesn’t mean I don’t value them it just means I only have one roast. It shouldn’t diminish the value of our friendship, it’s not a reflection of one’s worth it’s just the way it is. So, I am encouraged to stop feeling guilty, it doesn’t mean that I like someone less if we choose to not invite them to the three year old’s birthday and I need to remember that they probably won’t care either. I mean, who really wants to watch my kid get hopped up on too much cake and throw a fit after she opens the first present and wants to play with it while I want her to open the rest of the presents?


I guess my point is this; we all want our children to have the charmed life we never had. But worrying about other peoples feelings constantly is tiring and unrealistic. While I shouldn’t try to purposely hurt feelings, I can’t live a life based on whose feelings may be hurt, it’s impossible and too many women try to do it. Perhaps that’s the deeper issue here. I just have to have confidence that my friends are mature adults and understand. In the mean time I will do the best I can. Either people will accept that I like them and like me back based on Me, not on what I do for them or invite them to - or they won’t.

So dear bloggies consider yourselves uninvited, how ya like me now?