Running errands in the midwest in the winter

I really do love the Midwest and the changing of the seasons but enough is enough already.

1. Get coat, hat, gloves & scarf on
2. Get tall boots on
3. Start car and let it warm up for 15 minutes
4. Wipe car off
5. Get Ella’s coat, hat, gloves, scarf & boots on
6. Carry her through the giant snow drift between the end of the sidewalk and the curb even though Dan snow blow-ed but the plow still came by after and pushed it all up into a giant mound two feet tall again
7. Almost fall because it’s more like 2 and a half feet tall and you weren’t expecting it and your foot went way down in there and you got snow in the top of your boot
8. Navigate the ice patches on the cement while carrying child and balancing purse and the three books child wants to read in the van on the way in the crook of your arm
9. Get to the van and get Ella in on the wrong side because you can’t reach the right side without standing in the two and a half foot snow pile
10. Get Ella strapped in
11. Sit down but don’t swing legs in because you have snow on your pants up to your knees and it’s gonna melt and make your pants wet if you don’t dust your legs off right now while their still cold
12. Proceed to drive down country roads that no longer have visible yellow lines, because of 2 inches of compacted snow and ice
13. Grip the wheel tight when the snowy walls on either side of the road flatten out and drift into the road next to corn field and gusts of frozen wind catch the big flatness of the van
14. Slow down because the 2 ton van just slipped sideways three feet and you know that you’re coming up on more severe drifts and may not be able to tell where the edge of the road ends and the corn field begins
15. Worry about the 20 year old yahoo in the mustang riding your behind too closely
16. Cringe with adrenaline when the 20 year old yahoo in the mustang decides to pass you
17. Explain to daughter why it’s not good to say “Jesus Christmas Buddy!” even if Mommy just said it
18. Stop and yell out the window “You ok? You have a phone with you?” to the 20 year old yahoo who’s car is now embedded in the snow bank
19. Arrive at destination
20. Open car door to find child has taken off all winter coverings except her coat
21. Bundle her back up and get her out of the van
22. While grabbing up your purse, keys and phone, tell child no less than thirty times to stop rubbing the sleeve of her coat up against the side of the disgusting van that you know you wont be able to wash for another month at least
23. Exasperatedly carry her through whatever slush, snow or ice is between you and the door while she tries to talk you into jumping in the slush puddles you are carefully avoiding
24. Repeat process every time you need to go anywhere for four months

real or fake?

To do...

It's been an exaspiratingly long few weeks. Between the big roller derby festivities on Saturday and all the preperations and practices topped with freezing temps, black ice and snow I am ready to sit in my jammies and catch up on my tevo-ed American Idol watching for the rest of the week. The next event is right around the corner, the art gala for the library will be mid April. You dear bloggies will get to see my head explode with tasks and errands between now and then.

When I get over-anxious I gotta make a list and since I'm techniaclly between projects, here's a list of 10 good things:

- napping on the couch in an afternoon sunbeam

- good hair day

- new magazine in the mail

- when Ella uses big words like "exasperated" and "asteroid" or "vertices"

- neck rub

- clean socks in a pair in the drawer

- fluffy dog sleeping on my cold feet

- Dilbert cartoons

- corned beef and cabbage

- finding a dollar in my jeans

Go over there and read it.

Rather than post it twice I'll direct you over to the Stateline Roller Derby DiVAS' blog where you can read the recap from my point of view.

02.23.08 Kalamazoo Kamikazes vs Stateline DiVAS

Nothing broken, really tired, final score Kalamazoo 158, DiVAS 54. Full report to follow.

Sold Out

It's that time again, send a little protection juju my way. I appreciate it.

Expensive Links

Diamond Filtered Diaka Vodka

110 grams of 18 carat gold and 199 diamond case wrapped around Kiss Kiss Lipstick from Guerlain

Custom suit of armor for your cat from sculptor Jeff de Boer.

Good News!

Milo Feeman is home from Iraq - go say thanks.

WWJD if he had a blog?

Friday night we packed up the whole family and went to our favorite Mexican restaurant, drank two beers a Shirley Temple and gobbled combo platters. Shortly after finishing we got a call from Ms. T, she and little Fox, they would in fact be meeting us at the dollar movie theatre to see Mr. Magorium's Wonderful Emporium which IS rated G but turned out to be more geared towards the adults than kids who half way through got bored and were sugared up and wanted to play more than watch the movie but I digress.

While we were walking into the dollar theatre, we encountered a woman passing out flyers in the parking lot. Now because I’m involved in one political campaign or another almost always and I’ve been that crazed lady in the parking lot trying to get rid of 50 flyers while freezing my patootie off, I always take one when I see someone passing them out. So I politely walked over and took one. When she handed it to me she said something like

“It’s just in case you or someone you know needs to quit drinking or smoking…”

I looked down and saw that this flyer was hand written I figured they must really have a tight budget as the cheapest form of advertising is a handwritten flyer creased down the middle and then divided in half and then handed out at the dollar movie theatre parking lot. I assumed it was some sort of AA flyer and said

“Oh, no I suppose I don’t need this then and I don’t want to waste your budget so here, you should have it back,”

the same way so many people who have given back political literature telling me they were from out of town do, and let me tell you from a financial point of view we actually do appreciate it especially on small campaigns were they are counting on every dollar.

She said “That’s ok I have plenty, Jesus provides”

In my experience, it’s never a good idea to argue with a person about taking religious literature once you’ve already taken it especially when your husband is carrying your four year old through a freezing cold slushy parking lot, so I folded it up and tucked it into my purse. Once inside the theatre and we found seats enough for us and our expected friends and settled in to wait for the movie to start. The rest of my family was opening candy and fidgeting around and I reached into my purse because I may or may not have stashed a box of Junior Mints that may I add they absolutely don’t sell at the theatre any more but totally should because I have to have them during a show, when I spotted the handwritten half sheet the woman in the parking lot gave me.

I would like to preface this by saying I do not think it’s at all nice or to make fun of people’s beliefs or their eccentricities, in fact I think it’s downright bad karma. Having said that after I read this sheet of paper I poked Dan and made him read it. After he was done I folded it up and put it back into my purse and have been carrying it around since. As it turns out this little piece of paper, the simplest of marketing piece from what I’m sure is a minuscule budget turned out to be part of an ad campaign so striking and unforgettable that I am becoming a part of it by posting it here for you all to read. So now I ask, who are we laughing at? You? Or me? Or the woman who gave it to me? Or are we just nervously laughing because we don't know what to say?

Age Appropriate

When I first started roller skating again I bought some beautiful black and white stripped knit footless tights. They always fit a little snug like tights do and after I shrunk them they only ever went to my knees but today… well let me just show you this…

They're a little roomy and a little long but they fit and there you have it, Ella got some cute new leggings and I got a wake up call.

And We Totally Had to Walk Uphill Two Miles Through the Snow to the Bus Stop

When I was a kid I spent the whole week leading up to Valentines day collecting red paper and ribbon and whatever lacy bits I could find so that I could wrap an old shoe box in construction paper and glue all these bits to the outside and cut a hole in the top. Then of course the piece de resistance... write your name in Elmer’s glue and sprinkle glitter on top of it, because the sparklier the better. This of course was way before scrapbook stores and before they put the glitter right in the glue. Then I’d look forward to the grand unveiling of my week’s worth of creativity built up into crusty gluey layers of gaudy hearts and tin foil with the occasional dog hair sticking out. I really believed that just like when Erin got her bangs feathered and became instantly popular, the kids would be blinded by the beauty of my Valentines Box and instantly want me to be their BFF.

Even back then we were required to give every kid in our class a valentine even if you didn’t like them and I used to pour over who got the ones that said “You’re Awesome” or “Have a Totally Rad Valentines” or “You're Berry Nice” and who got the really good ones that said “Thinking of You” or “Best Friends” or anything that had the word “LOVE” in it (yikes!) It was the equivalent of standing in the card isle at the drug store for an hour looking for the the perfect non-cheesy, but really meaningful three lines that sum up your entire heart. So I guess this was the beginning of my perfect card obsession and of course I was always disappointed when the boys never even read what the card said and just walked down the row of desks begrudgingly muttering “thanks” in the girl’s general direction. I mean seriously how could Nate not see that he got the only card that said “be mine” at the bottom? How could he clearly not see that, especially after I spent hours fretting about if I should or shouldn’t put his name on it?! How could he just give me one that said I was “Smurftastic?!” What the hell does “Smurftastic” mean anyways?!

It also wasn’t customary to have candy attached to each valentine. Oh sure, sometimes your best friend would scotch tape two or three of those message hearts to the front of a card and I faintly remember maybe a heart sucker, but mostly were just looking forward to that homemade pink cupcake on a red napkin the teacher would pass out 10 minutes before it was time to run out to the bus and go home. Ella left preschool today with a bag full of candy like it was Halloween or something. Each Valentine came with a built in module for the custom matching candy. Ella gave out Sponge Bob cards that transformed into a little box holding a single gummy crabby-patty. She picked them out last week and this morning I made her sit down and sign her name to all 10 of them and every time she got to the one that said “You’re Sponge-tastic!” two things ran through my head, “What the hell is sponge-tastic? and is that anything like sponge-worthy?” I’m pretty sure nobody actually read the card, they just tore them open and said “A Crabby Patty! Thanks Ella!” um... plus they can’t read.

John

Good for a laugh until you really think about the possibilities and then it's scary as hell.

Thanks C

Yes We Can

Thanks K. for sending this to me.

She’s just not ever going to be able to ever watch Romeo & Juliette or the Titanic.

Finally yesterday morning I awoke without taking Sudafed and Aspirin and going back to sleep until they took affect. I woke up and was able to drink a cup of coffee and have a granola bar and then what did I go do? I went and scrimmaged with these women… the Unholy Rollers. Yes, I’m sore as heck and I learned a ton of stuff, I would just like to say that I love these ladies and the roller derby community as a whole is one of the most inviting and helpful environments I have ever been involved with, if you count women wanting to come down and knock you over as helping (and I do LOL!)

The kids came and had a fun time watching us practice and I think it left a very deep impression on my teenage niece. I was glad for that, sometimes kids get caught up in high school and all the heartbreak that it brings and can't see the fun beyond their own noses. After yeaterday, she's vowed to come skating with me, she caught a glimpse of a community she liked, something that wasn't what a regular lil' country girl from a small town gets to be a part of very often.

***

On another note, it was forty below last night and Ella has the sniffles, so she and I snuggled up in bed and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while scarfing M&M chip cookies and Cheetoes. It was very disturbing to Ella to see these kids getting potentially blue-berried and made into fudge and she was eve more concerned about what Grandpa Joe and Grandpa Josephine were going to eat! “Poor, poor Charlie Bucket and his family” she’d say and then her whole body would be wracked with sobs and I would have to reassure her that it would get better for the Bucket family, soon. Movies just take her in so deeply, even though she knows they are pretend. At the end she was jumping up and down in bed squealing “They have some food! They have some food!” Then we had a very long conversation about being spoiled and greedy and ungrateful and Ella vowed to be more like Charlie Bucket and so did I.

update

Still sick.

Snow

11 inches of snow yesterday and here's the view from my window this morning.

I Tried Alligator Once...

but found it quite chewy. And of course we’ve all seen the crazy things that those foreigners eat, grubs and monkey brains, cow’s blood mixed with milk, sure I know that’s gross, I saw it on Survivor that one time. But eating Ortolan, now there’s a story. If you are very rich, very brave and a little sado-masochistic and you are in France and you know the right peple you may find the chance to eat Ortolan, the very small protected bird also known as the “soul of France”. But you must find a master chef that will not only break the law to get one and serve it but knows how to properly prepare it starting with adjusting the live bird’s light schedule causing it to gorge itself into an unnaturally fat state, then drowning the 20gram bird in Armagnac and roasting it whole.

There’s a certain ritual to eating Ortolan too. Diners must put a napkin over their heads and this is done for a few reasons. A. to keep the delicious aroma wafting about one’s head while eating B. to keep from getting arrested C. to keep the eyes of God from seeing one consume the soul of France. Once you’ve picked one of these creepy reasons to put the napkin on your head you then place the entire bird in your mouth with just the beak poking out of your lips and chew for like 15 minutes. It's supposed to be a varitable everlasting gobstopper of gourmet eating.

“…The first taste as you crunch on the bird is the brandied flesh and fat. Then, the bitterness of the guts follow and finally, as the tiny, delicate bones are being chewed on, they will lacerate the diner's gums, with the salty taste of the bleeding gums mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. Chewing the ortolan takes approximately 15 minutes. – The Connoisseur's Series, The Global Gourmet”

Ok, here’s the thing, sometimes if I eat a gristly piece of steak and I have to chew it too long I totally put it in my napkin like a used piece of steak flavored gum. So, even if Ortolan wasn’t protected, and and even if it were legal and even if they didn’t refer to it as someone’s soul and even if it were killed humanely and even if it were served at my local diner, and even if it were boned, I don’t think I could chew on a bird for most of 15 minutes. How about you?

I wish

I need and extra me today.

Scourge

What torture is this that finds me in my sleep and threatens to kill me with the light of day? At 7AM this morning I awoke to find my sinuses trying to cleave my head in two with blunt force from the inside out. I feebly reached my arm out from underneath the covers and found my cell phone. Upon pulling it back into the precious darkness under the comforter, I dialed Dan who was all the way down stairs, across the house and in the kitchen and I croaked “Aspirin and Sudafed please…love you” and hung up. Whatever pitifulness that came through on the phone caused him to move swift and bring pills and after two more hours of lying in the dark waiting for the ooze to slide to the other side of my head and the drugs to numb me, I could face the morning without wincing. Oh sinus migraine you wretched curse, I demand you retreat back into the depth of whatever torturous hell you’ve escaped from and trouble me no longer or I will summons Amoxicillin to banish you forever.

102° Fever Pitch

Apparently if I am laying under a blanket wiping my nose with a roll of TP moaning about how my head is going to explode the rest of my family hears me granting total permission to dump every toy in the house out until we are all wallowing knee deep in pink plastic. They also somehow heard me say "it's totally ok to get the cushions off the chairs and bounce in them" and "sticking chewed wads of bubble gum on the coffee table is a design descision that is not only acceptable but posh."

Snarky Family

Me: If McCain wins the nomination Ann Coulter said she'd endorse Hillary!

Dan: Don't worry she's got plenty of time to forget she said that. This IS Ann Coulter, she can't even tell the same lie twice on her own show.

***

Ella is completely taken with the inner workings of the human body. We've read this book every night before bed for the last two weeks and she won't stop talking about blood and bone marrow. This whole topic freaks Dan out - he can barely look at an x-ray without getting woozy. This kinda cracks me up but my favorite part is at every meal she points out which foods have vitamins to build bodies and which foods will mostly become poop.

***

When I heard the news that Microsoft was buying Yahoo I thought to myself "Great, now I'll have twice the reason to crash while I blog."