I Tried Alligator Once...

but found it quite chewy. And of course we’ve all seen the crazy things that those foreigners eat, grubs and monkey brains, cow’s blood mixed with milk, sure I know that’s gross, I saw it on Survivor that one time. But eating Ortolan, now there’s a story. If you are very rich, very brave and a little sado-masochistic and you are in France and you know the right peple you may find the chance to eat Ortolan, the very small protected bird also known as the “soul of France”. But you must find a master chef that will not only break the law to get one and serve it but knows how to properly prepare it starting with adjusting the live bird’s light schedule causing it to gorge itself into an unnaturally fat state, then drowning the 20gram bird in Armagnac and roasting it whole.

There’s a certain ritual to eating Ortolan too. Diners must put a napkin over their heads and this is done for a few reasons. A. to keep the delicious aroma wafting about one’s head while eating B. to keep from getting arrested C. to keep the eyes of God from seeing one consume the soul of France. Once you’ve picked one of these creepy reasons to put the napkin on your head you then place the entire bird in your mouth with just the beak poking out of your lips and chew for like 15 minutes. It's supposed to be a varitable everlasting gobstopper of gourmet eating.

“…The first taste as you crunch on the bird is the brandied flesh and fat. Then, the bitterness of the guts follow and finally, as the tiny, delicate bones are being chewed on, they will lacerate the diner's gums, with the salty taste of the bleeding gums mingling with the richness of the fat and the bitterness of the organs. Chewing the ortolan takes approximately 15 minutes. – The Connoisseur's Series, The Global Gourmet”

Ok, here’s the thing, sometimes if I eat a gristly piece of steak and I have to chew it too long I totally put it in my napkin like a used piece of steak flavored gum. So, even if Ortolan wasn’t protected, and and even if it were legal and even if they didn’t refer to it as someone’s soul and even if it were killed humanely and even if it were served at my local diner, and even if it were boned, I don’t think I could chew on a bird for most of 15 minutes. How about you?