It was modeled for me constantly in my parents actions who would often delight in dinner table stories of how I challenged the teacher and agued my way to a B-minus. The challenge and the question, actually hinging on defiant are celebrated in my parent’s house. This is a quality I too plan to encourage in my children. I know, you parents of teenagers are laughing at me for thinking I have any control over the amount of cheeky attitude-ness coming from my kid but I made a vow long ago to never answer a question like “Why can’t I stay up late?” with “Because, I said so.” My parents didn’t and I won’t. (Do I hear you laughing again?)
In fact my parents often answered every question in earnest and in detail often to the extent of superfluous lectures on subjects that were totally unrelated to the original question. I once remember asking why we couldn’t get the yummy cereal with the prize inside and being subjected to a lecture on the consequence of chemical preservatives expelled through urine and its effects in declining tadpole populations through genetic deformations. The short of it being if I eat Sugar Smacks, my pee will kill Kermit’s children. Ok, in retrospect perhaps the unwanted lecture was their method to end the incessant “Why?... Why?... Why?... Why?...” that a seven year old can pelt you with.
To their credit when my parents didn’t have an answer to say perhaps “Why don’t we just share our food with those kids in Ethiopia?” they often redirected me to the appropriate resource, a politician, the library, an encyclopedia. Sometimes I was still left with the question like “Why don’t we just share our food with those kids in Ethiopia?” but I always had a better understanding of things afterwards. I look forward to the questions my children will have and I wonder what kind of answers I will be able to give them. Today I had a little primer in the world of “Why?”.
Ella: Mom? You don’t feel good?
Me: No honey I don’t feel good.
Ella: Why don’t you feel good?
Me: My head hurts a little.
Ella: Are you gonna barf?
Me: No honey I’m not.
Ella: Why not?
Me: Cause I don’t like to barf.
Ella: Why not?
Me: Because it tastes gross.
Ella: Yeah, barfs is gross.
7 comments:
I think you need a balance between the two; questioning and respecting authority. It's hard to put into words, but I suppose what I mean is that I want to teach my kids to "Respectively Question Authority".
If they ask me "Why do I have to go bed at 8:30" I don't answer with a "because I said so". I will say
"because you have to get up early for school"
or
"you have an important day ahead of you tomorrow and need your sleep"
It's okay that they ask me the question, I am happy to answer it. But, it doesn't change the fact that they have to respect my decision and go to bed at 8:30.
Your right it is a fine balance. As a kid, it's sometimes hard to make a respectful argument. As a matter of fact as an adult it's sometimes hard to make a resepectful argument.
What? Adults not respectful?
You're kidding!
(Please note sarcasm)
Barfs IS gross. She's a smart one. :)
Does it suprise you that I had those parents too?
And Emily does it all the time... and then can share her knowledge of the oppressive nature of the Columbus Day holiday.
*cringe* apparently I'm the out in this topic. Having both a 15 month old and a 14 year old I have to admit that the older one often hears "because I said so."
When he was younger I tried to raise him much the same way you're raising Ella. I tried to explain my directions to Lou so that he would understand WHY I was telling him to do (or not) something. But unfortunately somewhere along the line that translated, to him, to be "I can question every direction, request, and instruction given AND question every reason given for those AND then do what I can to find flaw in the logic and THEN question the semantics of it all." Now I literally spend two hours trying to "explain" why Lou should not yell from the hallway outside his brother's door when his brother's sleeping until I'm so frustrated that I find myself looking for a brick wall to have a more fruitful conversation with.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we are not the entirety of where children learn to respect elders OR authority. I'm finding out more and more that my son's friends and other outside influences have a lot more to do with that right now that I could possibly hope to have. I helplessly watched my step sister willingly put herself into degrading and extremely dangerous situations beyond that of which any of us can even imagine with "the wrong crowd" while my step mom did her best to believe in and encourage her daughter, never once suspecting the guns and drugs and sex and violence that her daughter was subjecting herself to daily. And I might note, also, that my step mom lives on the 16 acres of land that she bought and earned for herself when her first husband died in a small town, has worked for the state for decades and routinely took tap classes and such with my sister.
With Parker, we're heading down our own path. We're taking a "do it now, ask questions later" approach. Feel free to ask me anything you want to ask about what I instructed you to do AFTER you've given me the respect of doing what I instructed you to do and believing that I wouldn't just blindly tell you to do something without reason. After all, when a car's coming down the road and your little one inadvertently runs towards it, you don't realistically have time to answer the 3 or 4 "why"'s while the car comes hurtling toward them.
ah, the teenage years - when rational is in question every minute from both sides.
I agree, children must discern the difference in tone when given a direction, somtimes their saftey depends on it. I try to save the yelling for when I need her to NOT put the screw driver in the electrical outlet. But alas saving the yell is hard too.
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