Phantom Scribbler posted a link yesterday to Amy's series of posts about resentment. Now I don’t always follow the link, nor do I read so deeply into long posts written by bloggers I don’t usually follow. It’s hard enough keeping up with the blogs I like to read but today was rainy, my house was clean, the kid was playing with her toys by herself and dinner was being put on by the husband so I ventured out of my box.
Amy passionately reviews how her and her husband's lives have changed
“After all, Lance gets to have his same old life except with two extra little morsels to munch on when he comes home from work… He goes to work, just like he always did, and eats lunch in nice restaurants that use cloth napkins, talks and jokes with his colleagues all day,… Just like before the kids, except that now he has the added bonus of Isaac and Vivian. ”
I could not let this next paragraph go.
“Meanwhile, my life is completely, totally, irrevocably changed. I don't do ANYTHING without first considering the kids. And I don't mean in an Uber Mommy oh-let-me-do-that-for-you way; I mean in a two-and-three-year-olds-aren't-even-close-to-being-independent way. I don't ever go anywhere without planning. I can't get my f**king hair cut or go to the doctor without scheduling a time that Isaac is in school, and my mother in law is available to babysit, at a time when traffic won't be an issue, and a day when my doctor or the hair salon is available.”
I relate to it. Shortly after Ella was born I asked my mother how long it would be before I would get actual good nights sleep and she said to me. “When they’re babies you listen for them to cry and you get up to feed them, when they are children you listen for them to whimper and you get up to chase the monsters away, when they are teenagers you listen for them to sneak out of their window, when they are in college you listen for them to come home no matter how late, when they move out you lie awake and worry and hope they are ok… so never.”
When people tell you it will change your life it doesn’t even begin to describe what happens. You can’t even fathom how different you will be until it happens and then you are so gobsmacked with love and responsibility you barely have time to remember who you are. When you finally do find the time, you don’t even want to be who you were and the type of parent you had planned on being isn’t as realistic an idea as you thought it was. Nobody starts out saying I want to be a crappy parent with a crappy marriage.
From what I have gathered the most successful parents are the pliable ones; those who are willing to change the gate mid stride and dance around the tantrums, to laugh in spite of themselves as they find out who they really are. Because until you been pushed to the very physiological limits of normal human function on just 2 hours of sleep while still maintaining your ability to speak in a normal tone to your spouse you have not truly looked your own character in the eye. I suppose the true test of any individual is how one reacts under great pressure, be it screaming baby, winy child, bad traffic, idiot boss, out of control dictators, ignorant politicians. Can you keep your wits about you in the face of aggravation?
I’m not sure the point of this very long rant. (give me a break - it's late) Perhaps it is this - parenting is stressful and it will test your character in ways you can't understand until it is happening to you.
5 comments:
well said!
I hope I don’t get railroaded by this statement or offend some mothers who may read this for it is not my intent, or give the perception that this is said in judgment, but I have to admit something. I sometimes have a difficult time understanding and relating to statements like “I’ve learned to function on 2-hours of sleep” or “getting my haircut is a scheduling nightmare”. While becoming a parent has changed my life…I don’t think it has been such a dramatic or chaos inducing of a change I think I hear from other mothers.
When I hear my friends say these things or read blogs that make such statements I always wonder why I don't "get it"...
Help me "get it".
I think maybe the difference is you had children early in your marriage and we waited 8 years, giving us time to get set in our ways and then turning everything we thought our lives were on it's ear when she was born. We had to re-learn everything, going from overindulged twenty somethings to responsible adults who take the child to visit the grandparents on a regular basis.
Also, in the face of all the wonderful, you forget how hard it is. That's natures way, and you have alot of wonderful.
I am agreeing with Jenny. We waited 6 years for our first child and our roles were defined a lot differently when we were just husband and wife. Then we had to change to "Mommy and Daddy" and redefine ourselves as well as our lives. Redefining myself has been difficult. Remember the first year of marriage? All the changes and adjustments and becoming a "couple" and still remaining an individual. Then as a parent you have to add yet another role to your repetoire and sometimes that addition is not easy. Seven and a half years later it still is a jolt when I think that "I am someone's MOM!" how can I not screw it up?
I know - for us - we had the added "pressure" of being Older parents - both highly educated. My "profession" was Infant and Toddlers.
So when a baby comes, even one as highly planned as ours, and disrupts a settled, Type A existence between two highly achieving oldest children....
Well. It wasn't pretty.
And, if I may add.... I had expectations about Terrance's job as a Dad. Ones that involved him being 50% responsible for all things child related. And it didn't happen in those first years. Now, as Em in nine, it IS more equitable...but for the first four years? Mostly Mommy.
I would never trade it ( even when I say I would) as Emily has enhanced my soul in ways I could have never even fathomed...But. There is a reason I only have one child.
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