Spiderman Spiderman
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Eats a fry
Catches guys
Any size
LOOK OUT!
Here comes the Spiderman.
Aug 16, 2012
Pat Brown is Dangerous
This is the five minutes of television I watched today before getting mad and shutting it off again.
Hey, Pat Brown, spouting statistics you made up on a subject so serious is dangerous. How can your integrity be so cheap? Shame on you.
Aug 13, 2012
Hershele Ostropoler was Right
From comments HERE during a discussing on harassment.
“If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot.
If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them.
If you think that even with the rules, you won’t be able to avoid stepping on people’s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.
If you’re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you’re entitled to step on people’s feet because you’re just that awesome and they’re not really people anyway, you’re a bad person and you don’t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.
See, that’s why I don’t get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way.”
It's attributed to Hershele Ostropoler who is both a fictional character and the handle of this tumblr blogger who actually wrote the brilliant comment I quoted.
“If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.
If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.
If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.
If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot.
If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them.
If you think that even with the rules, you won’t be able to avoid stepping on people’s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.
If you’re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you’re entitled to step on people’s feet because you’re just that awesome and they’re not really people anyway, you’re a bad person and you don’t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.
See, that’s why I don’t get the focus on classifying harassers and figuring out their motives. The victims are just as harassed either way.”
It's attributed to Hershele Ostropoler who is both a fictional character and the handle of this tumblr blogger who actually wrote the brilliant comment I quoted.
Aug 5, 2012
What One Hundred Pennies Will Buy
I highly recommend
Drewelow's House of Books
2233 Charles St.
Rockford, IL 61104
815-226-2233
Also see my Buttery Soft Math Book
Aug 2, 2012
Oak Canopy
On this day, everyone but me sleeps in. It's the middle of the summer and the morning after a full moon. Even the dog can't be bothered to crawl out of the little pile of dirty clothes on the floor to rumble down the stairs and watch squirrels gather endless acorns. That old dog snores when she sleeps but the children just breath quiet, deep sleep. For after visiting Grandma and eating iced cream last night, we stood on the side-walk, leaning this way and that, peering through the oak leaves, howling at the midsummer moon. Jul 27, 2012
Breakfast at Bombadee's VI
Discovered four days after the phrase "Wow, Jack at two whole muffins for breakfast"
Breakfast at Bombadee's IV
Breakfast at Bombadee's III
Breakfast at Bombadee's II
Breakfast at Bombadee's
Jul 26, 2012
Things I learned this week
Always ask the eye doctor if there is a "fitting fee" before you make the appointment.
Kiwi requires a great deal of silverwear to eat; a knife to halve it, a spoon to scoop it out and then a fork for the actual eating.
You should wash sheep skin rugs with shampoo and lay them flat to dry but not in direct sun, it will damage the leather.
Jul 24, 2012
Ugly Kitchen
We're settled in and I made ugly curtains for my ugly kitchen. The walls are baby blue and the floors are buttery yellow and blue linoleum from the 80s so I bought a striped blue and yellow polyester fabric today on clearance. I wanted a large black and white gingham but it wasn't available and the fabric I did find matched exactly. It was so ugly it cost a dollar. So my kitchen curtains cost $4.00 and that includes ribbons and curtain rods.
A while back I found a deal on black and white peel and stick tiles at one of those big box stores online. It was a box of 45 12" tiles for 0.65cents. So of course I ordered 7 boxes, enough to redo the kitchen floor in black and white checkerboard. I was excited to be able to put new floor down for $4.55 + tax, but they called the next day to say despite what my computer said they were out of stock. So I suffer with ugly kitchen. No, I don't own this house so it's a struggle with how long I will let the ugly intrude; possibly the full length of the lease, or possibly only another month. The new tiles would only run me (not on sale,) $75.00. Then I would go get the black and white gingham cotton fabric and be able to exist in proximity to that kitchen.
A while back I found a deal on black and white peel and stick tiles at one of those big box stores online. It was a box of 45 12" tiles for 0.65cents. So of course I ordered 7 boxes, enough to redo the kitchen floor in black and white checkerboard. I was excited to be able to put new floor down for $4.55 + tax, but they called the next day to say despite what my computer said they were out of stock. So I suffer with ugly kitchen. No, I don't own this house so it's a struggle with how long I will let the ugly intrude; possibly the full length of the lease, or possibly only another month. The new tiles would only run me (not on sale,) $75.00. Then I would go get the black and white gingham cotton fabric and be able to exist in proximity to that kitchen.
I have been known to rearrange a hotel room before being able to fall asleep. You can't just shove a table into a corner and expect your guests to get a good night' sleep with all the un-feng-shuing sending all the good energies out the window. So when I enter a hotel room, I move furniture, un-tuck the sheets (I need my toes to breath) checked under the mattress for bed bugs and dead bodies, put my clothes away, and then relax. Why tolerate an needlessly ugly environment?
Here is the new ugly curtains in the old ugly kitchen.
Here is the new ugly curtains in the old ugly kitchen.
Jul 12, 2012
A Gross Start
Should pole dancing become an Olympic sport? I'm trying to think about this rationally. The fact is pole dancing's origins are gross. The question really is, can we as a society move past the sexually charged connotation of this possible sport to allow it into the pantheon of artistic gymnastics. No, in this current climate and devaluation of women, we are not ready to act like mature adults and see almost anything women do without objectification. This begs the question; if it doesn't matter what women do because we will be objectified no matter what... so then why let society dictate? Why not toss perception out and do what is right and true? Traveling this path of thought I say, go for it women. In an effort to further the maturity of society as well as legitimize the sport, let me make a few suggestions though. Usually artistic gymnast are trained in more than one discipline, so to be taken seriously as an artistic gymnast, learn the uneven bars and pommel horse too. Trade in the standard high heels and sparkly bikini for hand chalk and a leotard with stripes down the side. Start calling it "artistic vertical bar" and be prepared for fifteen year old sprites to dominate.
Jun 28, 2012
Win a Book!
We're giving away a free copy of The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company, all you have to do is go to the facebook page and LIKE it.
Also Macaroni Kid Rockford gave us a good review and you should check out their page too, it has something kid friendly every day.
Also Macaroni Kid Rockford gave us a good review and you should check out their page too, it has something kid friendly every day.
Jun 24, 2012
Summer in Full Swing
We finished signing books this weekend and will be sending them out next week. I've got a meeting with the curator of a gallery here in town and we'll be discussing what I will show in July. It's exciting to be doing art things in the day. It's going pretty well here, except for the house stuff. The property manager says he's trying to get things fixed, yet days go by with more excuses. I think by next week something will give, I may try a different tact with the fellow to let him know I'm not to be trifled with.
Today we're going to my Grandma's old neighborhood bakery to get Italian baked goods. That'll be the fun part of the day. Then I'll continue to put things away and do a few loads of laundry. There is a great deal of space in the house and that's good because I never realized how many art supplies I actually had until I moved them. Perhaps I should pair down, as the only materials I regularly use are a single pen and a panel of watercolors. I'd really like to find my box of paints today too, I have a single painting I've moved three times that I'd like to finish.
We had a fire in the backyard last night in the fire pit. After cleaning up the yard and gathering dead branches we have a giant mound of dry dead fire hazard leaning against the fence. In trying to burn some of it up I got nervous. We are in drought conditions and most of what's there is kidnling so it was going fast and hot. I didn't get through much of it, and I have to get it bundled up today and out to the alley. Anyone want to help? Come on over! Perhaps later we may burn some more and roast marshmallows.
Today we're going to my Grandma's old neighborhood bakery to get Italian baked goods. That'll be the fun part of the day. Then I'll continue to put things away and do a few loads of laundry. There is a great deal of space in the house and that's good because I never realized how many art supplies I actually had until I moved them. Perhaps I should pair down, as the only materials I regularly use are a single pen and a panel of watercolors. I'd really like to find my box of paints today too, I have a single painting I've moved three times that I'd like to finish.
We had a fire in the backyard last night in the fire pit. After cleaning up the yard and gathering dead branches we have a giant mound of dry dead fire hazard leaning against the fence. In trying to burn some of it up I got nervous. We are in drought conditions and most of what's there is kidnling so it was going fast and hot. I didn't get through much of it, and I have to get it bundled up today and out to the alley. Anyone want to help? Come on over! Perhaps later we may burn some more and roast marshmallows.
Jun 19, 2012
No, I'm Not Exaggerating
So the house wasn't finished and they did work and we moved in and it still needs work. Lots I'm finding out, and how did I find out? When I smelled smoke. Yep, Saturday night after being in the new house one day and unloading my entire life and all my belongings into the house that was promised to be finished but wasn't. I sat down to turn the A/C on and something in the basement started sparking and smoking and crackling. I called 911. They arrived with full sirens in full gear and shut all the breakers off to the basement and fixed my smoke alarm. No, my smoke alarm didn't go off, the batteries were installed incorrectly. No the other smoke alarms on the other floors didn't go off because there weren't any. The AC was repaired yesterday, but today no cooling again. The freon is all leaked out already, I'm sure. The smoke detectors are in finally this afternoon.
***
Take a nice cool relaxing bath you say? I'd love to, if I had any water pressure. It takes an hour to fill the tub half way. Yes, it's on the list, yes, he's promising to fix it, no the plumber has not called me yet. I can''t use the garbage disposal either as there isn't enough water pressure to wash even an earwig down the drain Yes, there's a list. There are 42 things on the list. This is number three on the list.
***
Did I mention it's been in the 90s with 50% humidity for three days? It's at 50% humidity because it rained on the day I moved in for the first time in months.
***
It took my nine hours on the phone with AT&T to get the internet up and working. I know because I was on my cell phone, which doesn't get reception in my house so I have to stand on the front porch to make a phone call. AT&T kept transferring me to another department who would start the call with what's your home phone to which I would explain that's what I was trying to buy from them and then they would ask for my account number and I would say I didn't have it and they would say I should've received it in my e-mail confirmation and then I would have to explain to them that I didn't have a phone line or internet yet but I was trying really hard to get it.
***
While I was trying to unpack I wanted to send the kids to the back yard to play. I couldn't until I cleaned up the yard. I wish I was just talking about broken old branches. There was broken glass, rusty razor blades and screws all over the yard from the contractors working on the house. Me and a friend spent all day yesterday cleaning the yard. I'm still finding sharp and or rusty things back there.
***
The newly varnished floors are peeling up. They varnished over oak floors that have been waxed and oiled for almost a hundred years. The stuff is bubbling up and it comes off when you pull a chair out, or walk on it or drive a matchbox car over it or breath near it. Three times a day I sweep a pile of varnish chips off the floor. It's exhausting keeping the children out of the broken glass and errant screws and varnish chips while simultaneously not being able to wash anything or fill a tub, in the heat.
***
The property manager of this place is Nick Savaglio at Rockford Property Solutions aka Rockford Development LLC. He has a boss, and no, I haven't spoken to him yet. I'd like to.
***
Take a nice cool relaxing bath you say? I'd love to, if I had any water pressure. It takes an hour to fill the tub half way. Yes, it's on the list, yes, he's promising to fix it, no the plumber has not called me yet. I can''t use the garbage disposal either as there isn't enough water pressure to wash even an earwig down the drain Yes, there's a list. There are 42 things on the list. This is number three on the list.
***
Did I mention it's been in the 90s with 50% humidity for three days? It's at 50% humidity because it rained on the day I moved in for the first time in months.
***
It took my nine hours on the phone with AT&T to get the internet up and working. I know because I was on my cell phone, which doesn't get reception in my house so I have to stand on the front porch to make a phone call. AT&T kept transferring me to another department who would start the call with what's your home phone to which I would explain that's what I was trying to buy from them and then they would ask for my account number and I would say I didn't have it and they would say I should've received it in my e-mail confirmation and then I would have to explain to them that I didn't have a phone line or internet yet but I was trying really hard to get it.
***
While I was trying to unpack I wanted to send the kids to the back yard to play. I couldn't until I cleaned up the yard. I wish I was just talking about broken old branches. There was broken glass, rusty razor blades and screws all over the yard from the contractors working on the house. Me and a friend spent all day yesterday cleaning the yard. I'm still finding sharp and or rusty things back there.
***
The newly varnished floors are peeling up. They varnished over oak floors that have been waxed and oiled for almost a hundred years. The stuff is bubbling up and it comes off when you pull a chair out, or walk on it or drive a matchbox car over it or breath near it. Three times a day I sweep a pile of varnish chips off the floor. It's exhausting keeping the children out of the broken glass and errant screws and varnish chips while simultaneously not being able to wash anything or fill a tub, in the heat.
***
The property manager of this place is Nick Savaglio at Rockford Property Solutions aka Rockford Development LLC. He has a boss, and no, I haven't spoken to him yet. I'd like to.
Jun 9, 2012
Extreme Living
Alright so the house wasn't done when we got here. We had to give the landlord an extra two weeks to get repairs finished and new carpet in. Apparently there was a mix up with the move in date and the lady we were dealing with is no longer working there and the boss over there at the office came and did the check list with me so I feel like they are making it right and it's going to be pretty. Also I crashed my car on the drive up. A tire flew off the truck in front of us and landed on the front of my car. The insurance is covering it of course but it's just all a struggle to even get to square one.
In the mean time we've kicked off our summer, I took the kids to the city market yesterday and we rode the trolley all over town. The local paper covered my book and I met a wonderful artist who offered me space and support. I also got in contact with a local parenting group to partner with promoting AND my book is going to be delivered next week! NEXT WEEK! As if that wasn't enough, I ate a maple bacon cupcake, pizza from Capri, chocolate from Daniel's and saw the new Muppet movie under the stars downtown where the newspaper took our picture.
It's never boring folks, never.
In the mean time we've kicked off our summer, I took the kids to the city market yesterday and we rode the trolley all over town. The local paper covered my book and I met a wonderful artist who offered me space and support. I also got in contact with a local parenting group to partner with promoting AND my book is going to be delivered next week! NEXT WEEK! As if that wasn't enough, I ate a maple bacon cupcake, pizza from Capri, chocolate from Daniel's and saw the new Muppet movie under the stars downtown where the newspaper took our picture.
It's never boring folks, never.
May 30, 2012
One Thousand Days of Texas
Almost three years ago we moved to Houston. We're moving again, back to Illinois. I added up the days, minus the ones we spent vacationing, we've been here about 1,000 days. Tomorrow we pack up the truck and on Friday we start driving. I am both terrified (it's a 19 hour drive with everything I own in tow, to a house I have never seen) and excited (I'm going to make it awesome.) I have so many last minute things to do and every time I pack a box the kids unpack one. The dog is underfoot at every step, making sure I remember to pack her and I'm fighting off a cold with vitamin Cs, ibuprofen, large amounts of coffee and sheer will.
May 17, 2012
The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company
Dear Family and Friends, I have great news! My very first children's book is going to print! It's called "The Toughskin Rhinoceros Wrangler Company" and it was written by poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg and illustrated by ME!! Also Ella has a small contribution in it "Ella's Amazing Rhinoceros Facts" so she actually did the real hard work for us.
The first run is limited and we're using Kickstarter for pre-orders where I got on camera and did some talking for the video followed by the embarrassed declaration "I don't really sound like that, do I ?" Anyway... Go buy it! (Or promise to buy it) and repost this link and/or post it on your blog and/or tweet it or all of those things. You can also count on me bugging you again about this. :)
GO BUY IT HERE!
The first run is limited and we're using Kickstarter for pre-orders where I got on camera and did some talking for the video followed by the embarrassed declaration "I don't really sound like that, do I ?" Anyway... Go buy it! (Or promise to buy it) and repost this link and/or post it on your blog and/or tweet it or all of those things. You can also count on me bugging you again about this. :)
GO BUY IT HERE!
May 10, 2012
Disobedience by A.A. Milne
James James
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree
Took great
Care of his Mother,
Though he was only three.
James James Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he;
"You must never go down
to the end of the town,
if you don't go down with me."
James James
Morrison's Mother
Put on a golden gown.
James James Morrison's Mother
Drove to the end of the town.
James James Morrison's Mother
Said to herself, said she:
"I can get right down
to the end of the town
and be back in time for tea."
King John
Put up a notice,
"LOST or STOLEN or STRAYED!
JAMES JAMES MORRISON'S MOTHER
SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN MISLAID.
LAST SEEN
WANDERING VAGUELY:
QUITE OF HER OWN ACCORD,
SHE TRIED TO GET DOWN
TO THE END OF THE TOWN -
FORTY SHILLINGS REWARD!"
James James
Morrison Morrison
(Commonly known as Jim)
Told his
Other relations
Not to go blaming him.
James James
Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he:
"You must never go down to the end of the town
without consulting me."
James James
Morrison's mother
Hasn't been heard of since.
King John said he was sorry,
So did the Queen and Prince.
King John
(Somebody told me)
Said to a man he knew:
If people go down to the end of the town, well,
what can anyone do?"
(Now then, very softly)
J.J.
M.M.
W.G.Du P.
Took great
C/0 his M*****
Though he was only 3.
J.J. said to his M*****
"M*****," he said, said he:
"You-must-never-go-down-to-the-end-of-the-town-
if-you-don't-go-down-with-ME!"
Morrison Morrison
Weatherby George Dupree
Took great
Care of his Mother,
Though he was only three.
James James Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he;
"You must never go down
to the end of the town,
if you don't go down with me."
James James
Morrison's Mother
Put on a golden gown.
James James Morrison's Mother
Drove to the end of the town.
James James Morrison's Mother
Said to herself, said she:
"I can get right down
to the end of the town
and be back in time for tea."
King John
Put up a notice,
"LOST or STOLEN or STRAYED!
JAMES JAMES MORRISON'S MOTHER
SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN MISLAID.
LAST SEEN
WANDERING VAGUELY:
QUITE OF HER OWN ACCORD,
SHE TRIED TO GET DOWN
TO THE END OF THE TOWN -
FORTY SHILLINGS REWARD!"
James James
Morrison Morrison
(Commonly known as Jim)
Told his
Other relations
Not to go blaming him.
James James
Said to his Mother,
"Mother," he said, said he:
"You must never go down to the end of the town
without consulting me."
James James
Morrison's mother
Hasn't been heard of since.
King John said he was sorry,
So did the Queen and Prince.
King John
(Somebody told me)
Said to a man he knew:
If people go down to the end of the town, well,
what can anyone do?"
(Now then, very softly)
J.J.
M.M.
W.G.Du P.
Took great
C/0 his M*****
Though he was only 3.
J.J. said to his M*****
"M*****," he said, said he:
"You-must-never-go-down-to-the-end-of-the-town-
if-you-don't-go-down-with-ME!"
May 9, 2012
A Slew of Nerds in Tights!?
You all know, I love roller derby so of course I'm interested in other people's dangerous and strange hobbies. Especially ones where people get to wear an outfit that is tough, have a name they gave themselves and be their own super hero... literally. Yes, people out there have so much time and resources on their hands they are becoming super heros. Like the roller derby name registry, there is also a super hero registry. It's like Stan Lee's Show Make Me a Super Hero took on a life of it's own . I think it's great. I'm all for encouraging good deeds and protecting each other and the fierce costumes just add enough attention grabbing to make the good deeds newsworthy, something we could all use more of in our day. So with great interest I watched the following video's this morning:
Let us start with this one: "Masked Super Hero, Phoenix Jones, stops Occupy Terror Attack"
According to Facebook, Phoenix Jones is the Leader of the Rain City Superhero Movement fighting crime in the streets of Seattle. He says “I symbolize that the average person doesn’t have to walk around and see bad things and do nothing.”
Then (insert rising ominous music here) THIS HAPPENED:
Which was followed up with THIS yesterday:
Of course not much is known about Rex Velvet, just what I could find on his his Facebook page. You bet your bippy I will stay tuned into this saga waiting for the next episode or tweet
Let us start with this one: "Masked Super Hero, Phoenix Jones, stops Occupy Terror Attack"
According to Facebook, Phoenix Jones is the Leader of the Rain City Superhero Movement fighting crime in the streets of Seattle. He says “I symbolize that the average person doesn’t have to walk around and see bad things and do nothing.”
Then (insert rising ominous music here) THIS HAPPENED:
Which was followed up with THIS yesterday:
Of course not much is known about Rex Velvet, just what I could find on his his Facebook page. You bet your bippy I will stay tuned into this saga waiting for the next episode or tweet
May 8, 2012
May 2, 2012
Four Days' Battle
Being the only grown up in the house has always presented challenges. I don't mean like I'm worried about slipping in the shower and hitting my head and then a cat eats my face off sort of thing. I mean I've been hunting a cockroach for four days. I first saw it in my pantry. One of those huge flying, three inch long monsters. I saw it duck into a hole in the back wall. One it had made with a tiny sawzall just before he set up his Jerry-Mouse-like apartment with thimble chairs and a spool of thread for a table, a matchbox bed and a tiny elevator that goes down to the cookie shelf in the pantry. The first day I saw him I thought maybe I was imagining things, I haven't been getting much sleep and it was a very big thing I saw duck into the hole. Later my fear and sanity was confirmed when I caught him running across the Frito bag with such haste it was noisy. I immediately threw away anything that was open in the pantry imagining the roach rubbing his butt on everything in a hedonistic mambo of grocery shopping. Then I slid a box of cereal in front of his hole and barricaded him in. A day went by and I was hoping he'd move out. He did. To my dismay he didn't move to Bermuda like I'd hoped, he moved out of the wall and into the laundry room, behind the pantry, where he chased me out yelling "And stay off my lawn!"
Later in the evening I saw him in the living room watching CNN. I can't stand to squish these huge things as they make a terrible pop when stepped on so I grabbed a glass and chased him around the living room hoping to trap him and flush him... live... ew. I couldn't get close so I found the most toxic spray I could to spray on him, which ended up being all organic orange shower spray. But in my defense it does say you should absolutely try very hard not to get it in your eye as it will sting really really bad. I sprayed the roach with it and he laughed and ran into the fireplace. I hoped again he was on his way to Bermuda but just in case I went out to the garage and located the really toxic kill-everything-spray, before realizing I probably didn't want to lay a fine mist of it in my fireplace to be vaporized later and breathed in the next time I was trying to cozy up in front of the fire. So I did nothing, well, actually I yelled obscenities in the direction of the fireplace and implored the dog to evict him should he venture out in the evening past her nose.
Today I saw him laying on his back sunning under the window next to the fireplace. The all organic orange shower cleaner apparently gave him a mean hangover. I knew it was my chance. Get him while he was out of alka seltzer and pepto. But how. Now I realize this is just a bug, not a rat (Kiki), or a crazy stray dog whose mouth could fit over my kid's head (Jaime), or a dive bombing cardinal (Christine), just a bug. But he'd been mocking me for days, eating out of my pantry, chasing me off his lawn, bribing my dog, drinking my orange spray supply, enjoying my cable and in general terrorizing my sleep. He had to go. I took a dozen paper towels and wrapped them with a plastic bag and got ready to grab him. As I approached he started kicking and yelling "Dude! Dude... time out! wait a sec! time out! Dude! I'm really hung over, just a sec!" Then I got scared thinking as I put the paper towels down over him he would grab on and be able to right himself and start running up my arm, so I screamed and shivered and backed off to make a better plan. One that didn't involve close hand to hand combat
All my noise alerted the children something exciting was going on and now I was working with an added layer of difficulty. A curious group of small, uncoordinated, onlookers who wanted to touch things and help. I gave them the job of holding all the pillows on the couch while I went into battle. Thankfully they accepted the mission and I went to the kitchen to give myself a pep talk. I came back and sprayed him again this time with lemony Windex and then got the glass out. I placed it over my free loading, now drunk tenant and slid a piece of paper under both the glass and his back and yes, sure enough, he flipped over in a drunken lemony frenzy and tried to bust out. This is when I shrieked and considered calling someone to come help me. I was sure it would take two of us to stand on the toilet seat holding it shut with all our weight while flushing.
I didn't call anyone, I just did it, I picked it all up and ran it to the bathroom without dropping anything or flicking him onto my leg. Three flushes later and he was on his way to Bermuda via the sewer. I want you to know, I'm not being overly dramatic, the second flush was because he swam back up with a bowie knife in his teeth and the third was to make sure he was gone. I may or may not have gone back in for a few more flushes five minutes later... and possibly ten minutes later. But what's 50 gallons of water wasted in the middle of Texas when you need a little peace of mind.
Today I saw him laying on his back sunning under the window next to the fireplace. The all organic orange shower cleaner apparently gave him a mean hangover. I knew it was my chance. Get him while he was out of alka seltzer and pepto. But how. Now I realize this is just a bug, not a rat (Kiki), or a crazy stray dog whose mouth could fit over my kid's head (Jaime), or a dive bombing cardinal (Christine), just a bug. But he'd been mocking me for days, eating out of my pantry, chasing me off his lawn, bribing my dog, drinking my orange spray supply, enjoying my cable and in general terrorizing my sleep. He had to go. I took a dozen paper towels and wrapped them with a plastic bag and got ready to grab him. As I approached he started kicking and yelling "Dude! Dude... time out! wait a sec! time out! Dude! I'm really hung over, just a sec!" Then I got scared thinking as I put the paper towels down over him he would grab on and be able to right himself and start running up my arm, so I screamed and shivered and backed off to make a better plan. One that didn't involve close hand to hand combat
All my noise alerted the children something exciting was going on and now I was working with an added layer of difficulty. A curious group of small, uncoordinated, onlookers who wanted to touch things and help. I gave them the job of holding all the pillows on the couch while I went into battle. Thankfully they accepted the mission and I went to the kitchen to give myself a pep talk. I came back and sprayed him again this time with lemony Windex and then got the glass out. I placed it over my free loading, now drunk tenant and slid a piece of paper under both the glass and his back and yes, sure enough, he flipped over in a drunken lemony frenzy and tried to bust out. This is when I shrieked and considered calling someone to come help me. I was sure it would take two of us to stand on the toilet seat holding it shut with all our weight while flushing.
I didn't call anyone, I just did it, I picked it all up and ran it to the bathroom without dropping anything or flicking him onto my leg. Three flushes later and he was on his way to Bermuda via the sewer. I want you to know, I'm not being overly dramatic, the second flush was because he swam back up with a bowie knife in his teeth and the third was to make sure he was gone. I may or may not have gone back in for a few more flushes five minutes later... and possibly ten minutes later. But what's 50 gallons of water wasted in the middle of Texas when you need a little peace of mind.
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