Fruit

I've taken soo many photos, my old Casio Exilim 7.2 is busting at the seams.  It doesn't always turn on and the battery only stays in when the little door is shut because the piece that holds it in broke off.  I always liked that it fit in my pocket and turned on super fast allowing me to get pretty good pictures because the action is fast and even the flash is pretty fast.  But I've always thought the quality was sort of poor.  I think I was spoiled by my clunky old Fuji.



My Fuji Finepix 4700,  I pulled it back out to take photos of my dying camera, and I snapped this one of Jack and confirming it's quality is better.  It uses hexes instead of square pixels and creates a clearer image with less computing (2.4MP.)  It also has a higher ISO which I love, especially snapping a busy toddler.






I took today's photo with my phone but I intend to do some wonderful things with my trusty hex-pixeled Fuji.

First Plumb

Art Cars at Trader Village

From a low angle

 

Little Jack Corner

Jack likes to sit on my art box and look out the window.  It's his quiet thinking spot.  It's not often he is still and reflective.  Like his uncle Joe, he is usually either going full blast or sleeping.  I like that he has a place he's decided is his own.

Partly Sunny

Something Green

Because of the drought, there is a lawn watering restriction in effect.  I don't mind, it's less lawn maintenance when the grass doesn't grow.  Though playing in the yard worries me because it's not as soft and lush as I'd like.  Oh, the sad problems of the first world I deal with.  I hope for rain.

I only have one thing I do in the day that is imperative and scheduled.  I mean of course it's important to upkeep the household and the health and well-being of the children, but if I skip folding the laundry there is none to yell at me but me. My only Monday through Friday must, is picking up the kid and the neighbor kids from school in the afternoon. It only takes ten minutes, unless it rains.  On days it rains, apparently, everyone runs around the school asking each other if they should let the kids go or not, despite the form I signed that said "the kid will not melt in the rain, nor will she shrivel up in the cold and I'll let her outrun the tornado if need be, just let her go out the door at the end of the day" or something like that.

Today I stood under a tree in the school yard trying to shield the baby from the freak ten minute monsoon blowing through by wrapping my body around him and his shivering blue lips while the grade schoolers peered out the window and across the field at their waiting and drenched parents.  After which they only released kids to the parents who trashed their shoes trudging across the big field of mud, with baby in arms and mascara running down their cheeks like a Tammy Faye Baker.  Yes, there was more than one of us that said to each other while walking up to the school "Oh look at this freak little grey cloud." "Maybe it'll rain for five minutes or so." "This could be fun!" and "Shouldn't be too bad.  Good for the plants."  

***

Middle Class Problems
First World Problems
First World Problems Rap

I Had to Make Some

Texas Clouds 09/28/11

What I Wore

Grey Shirt over white tank,
favorite grey mini skirt, red flats,
red hair tie, red sunglasses
and a one year old. 

Spider

I yelled over to the second lifeguard,

"There's a really big spider in the wading pool, can you get a net and come get it out?"

The young man took his time walking to the pool house to get the net while I was doing my best to corral my squiggly toddler to the non spidery end of the wading pool.  As he strolled over to us he rolled his eyes and sounding annoyed, asked me

"Where's the spider, lady?"

to which I replied

"Oh! You will see it when you get over here!"

When he dredged the water logged body of a three inch tarantula from the bottom of the pool he said

"Holy crap! I knew they lived here, but I've never seen a wild one."

We all peered into the bottom of his net looking at the furry little thing.  We beckoned lifeguard number one to stop watching the kids in the pool and come see it before he emptied the net into the garbage.  The drought has all sorts of wild animals venturing into populated places in search of water.

***

Story about Texas tarantulas during drought
Texas Drought: Fish to be rescued from River
Cattle Boom on Market
Drought Could Be Causing Uptick in Rabies Cases

Mercurial

Me 9/26/11

***

When the power goes out, everyone gathers up underneath me. Candles lit, we hold each other for a good long moment before everyone is calm.  I make a mental note to buy a big battery powered lantern and decide a game of Crazy Eights is in order.  I use a flash-light to find a deck of cards that the baby hasn't taken a bite from, all the while stepping over the dog who keeps manically placing herself at my feet.  We sit at the big dining room table and arrange candles.  Light is bouncing off the ceiling and fanning out over the room.  We play two hands of Eights and lose ourselves in conversation about how unfair second grade can be.  The baby is trying desperately to eat the seven of clubs.  We forget who's turn it is.  We run our hands quickly through the little flame and then dip the tips of our fingers in the candle.  I pepper the fun by telling a story about a kid getting hurt playing with fire.  We negotiate a group expedition to the bathroom and back.  We eat cake. We attempt another hand of Eights.  Every appliance in the house jumps on all at once and soon I am sitting among empty cake plates, finger prints cast in wax and abandoned playing cards.

30 Day Photo Challenge

The Age of Uncertainty

Subatomic particles traveling faster than the speed of light, the changing atomic weight of elements, dinosaur feathers and non carbon based life forms ensure the inaccuracy of 5th grade science text book across the globe.  Imagine an electronic text book on a reader type device for a kids, eliminating exorbitant text book costs and schlepping thirty pounds of books around in a backpack.  The concept has the makings for a great sci-fi-post-apocalyptic story in which all knowledge is lost, proving when children are taught how to learn instead of what to learn, they will be able to better navigate a Truth that is fluid.  Also there should be robots and explosions in the story and perhaps a super heroine teacher type person played by Milla Jovovich.

Getting Her Bearings

Last night was school skate night.  The skate rink is as close to a grade school disco as it gets.  Watching one little gangly girl clip clop across the floor with her arms doing a wild and jerky air-swim was as comical as watching another's dance moves in which she leaned way down low, bending at the waist doing a circle motion with her arms in perfect rolling down the river precision. This is where the lip gloss and fingerless gloves cease to be dress up items and become a totally serious part of one's style.  It's where sitting on a wall becomes an art form in cool, not something Humpty Dumpty did and parents are the most un-hip people in the room.  It's where toddlers strive to become feral children under the benches where the carpet glows bright and Cheetos are hitting the floor.  For two glorious hours the world spins in screams of joy and shared nachos.

Blame Game

According to my morning news, Obama will be responsible for:
-Failure of Peace Process,
-Job Killing
-Debt Ceiling Crisis

I'd also like to blame him for my bum knee, this drought and my dog's breath.

I know, how dare I minimize the failure of peace by comparing it to my dog's breath?! But you really don't want her to breath on you, she's 14 and she eats garbage whenever she can.

Let me give you a list of things I like to blame Obama for:
-Repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell
-Osama Bin Laden's death
-Adding 4.6 million to the Veteran's Admin Budget for mental health care professional
-Increasing funding for the Violence Against Women Act
-Cutting prescription drug costs by 50% for Medicare users
-Signing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act
-Increasing Pell Grants for College Students
-Reversing the Global Gag Rule
-Signing New START Treaty
-Getting CHIP for 4 million uninsured kids
-Stem cell research - yay science!
-Creating more private sector jobs in 2010 than during entire Bush years

Plus; giving me cash for my clunker, getting the strawberry milk out of the kid's lunch, making it possible for me to live in Houston and while I'm at it - this incredibly great cup of coffee I am having this morning.

***

Obama talks about Lasting Peace
"Peace will not come through statements and resolutions at the UN – if it were that easy, it would have been accomplished by now."

10 Things I Like

Tassles
Blanket tents
Mermaids
Miniatures
Ribbons
Photos of Cuba
Wing tips
Orange Crush
Squished pennies
Beach glass

Shopping For a Huge Stone

Click Here to Find Fun!

Gateway Breakfast Food

My friend Derek was at the after party last night with a baggie of candied bacon in his pocket.  He'd pull it out and open the bag wafting bacon smell out into your face before the offer "Candied bacon?"  The first one is free kid. Little did I know that one bite of it would lead me out to the food truck outside where they were selling chocolate covered bacon which I loved soo much that later when our coach pulled out a bacon chocolate bar and offer everyone in the room a square, I would put both hands up and yell  "Me! Me! Oooh, me me  me! Pick me!" while hip checking every one in the way, between me and that little square of artery hardening goodness.  I hope last night's binge doesn't lead to a hardcore deep fried butter habit.

***

Dear Greenpeace, sending me an e-mail with the subject line "A Horrible Way to Die" does not entice me to open your e-mail.  Put some candied bacon in your pocket.

These Boots Are Made for Taking the Garbage Out

We are cleaning the entire garage this weekend. I have to. I don't think I can sleep until I do. I took the garbage out last night through the garage and saw a cockroach so big that it made a noise when it ran. It stopped skittering across the floor for a moment and turned to look at me, it's little arm throwing some sort of gang sign at me; it's other little arm grabbing its crotch, all the while yelling "What what! These are MY wet boxes motha fuckah!"  Had I a can of Raid, I'm sure I coulda popped a cap in his ass, but all I had was a longish t-shirt barely covering my bum, a bag of tasty garbage and flip flops. I could have stepped on it, except I had the feeling that I would have felt it's little cockroach muscles flex through my squishy, wimpy, foam flip flop pushing back against my foot and then I'd have to flex my toes into the floor to actually squish it. I couldn't do it. I just slowly backed my way out the side door to the garbage can where I fought off the urge to run and turn over the whole house, furniture, kids, food and dog to the roach. Instead I'm fighting back, armed with various chemicals, a broom and big black boots, every box gets put away, every hunk of garbage is going out and every unwelcome animal obliterated.

A Girl Scout Tell All Post

My kid and I joined Girl Scouts, you know that Radical Feminist Lesbian Agenda Group where women get together and show girls how to be cooperative, capable, adventurous, proactive humans. We're pretty excited about it and hope to learn some things about the Texas wilderness that we can't get from books. Plus - Cookies!

***

When I was a Brownie, my parents agreed to be the cookie warehouse for our troop and we had cases of cookies piled high in our dining room for what seemed like weeks.  Then John Belushi died.  Insert ominous music here.  My Dad and a few of his friends went out to celebrate Belushi's legacy of Belushiness.  Upon returning to our house with the been-out-partying-all-night-munchies they stood in front of that mountain of girl scout cookies and did what any red blooded fans of Animal House would... they shoved as many cookies as they could into their cheeks.  I'm not sure how they sorted out the great cookies shortage of 1982 but I remember my Mom being pretty pissed about them going all Cookie Monster on that mountain and someone had to call Grandma and tell her the Thin Mints were never coming. I don't think I was in Girl Scouts the next year.

***

Dad's are the Original Hipsters

Florida Woman Busted For Assaulting Roommate Over Girl Scout Cookies

The Girl Scouts' Allegedly Radical Feminist Lesbian Agenda

Chart from wired.com

Connected

Tiny Vandal

While my son TPs
the living room, I can drink
coffee he splashed in.

Danger

My pal Kiki, over at I Still Hate Pickles posted today about the wildfires and it got me thinking about what I wish I'd grabbed when we started over in Texas.  George Bush Park was on fire last night, right in the midst of Houston.  The smell of smoke hung heavy and ash rained down over our dry dead grass and brittle pine needles.  I realized, while sitting atop a giant pile of kindling, of all the things I left in Illinois that I wish I kept, a hose might be trump.

***

Heart Attack Jack has the uncanny ability to find the most dangerous thing in the room.  This morning he climbed the stairs to Ella's lair of pink, sparkly, fluff and found the single thumb tack residing in the corner of a night stand drawer and decided it looked pretty tasty.  As I found him teetering down the stairs with a tack in his mouth, I decided that he would make a good bomb squad member, he'll be able to immediately find explosives with his special danger-senses.  

Terrorism

Yesterday's overwhelming news coverage without mention of the 750,000 people facing "imminent starvation" as a direct result of terrorism is a travesty.  By all means vow to never forget, but please also find in your memory those big bellied babies standing in the dirt watching each other shrivel up in the sun while terrorists play politics with relief efforts, because I can't bare to look at the photos again and find one to show you.  I just need you to remember them, and then imagine more than 200 World Trade Centers going down in slow motion over the next year.

Holiday Hair

I was at Half Priced Books a few weeks back and found some Life Magazines from 1942. I took home three.  The articles are terribly interesting and the ads are equally entertaining as well as far more suitable for a Friday morning post.  My favorite line: " -unless you like that shiny, plastered down look which jitterbugs often prefer when they dress up for a rug-cutting session."

Enjoy!  

Kreml Hair Tonic Ad 1942
Click to enlarge 

Texas Fires

There was a haze in the air this morning and the smell of smoke. I found a lovely sunrise and no fire out the window but turned the news on anyway to make sure Ella had school. They are evacuating Magnolia. The fire is moving South-East with the wind and some schools are cancelled, not ours. I closed the windows, turned on the fan and let it filter.

Light morning snacks

I bought Jack a book called Yummy Yucky by Leslie Patricelli, because he likes to eat crayons, paper and loose change.  The book is supposed to teach him the difference between yummy and yucky things.  "Blueberries are yummy.  Blue Crayons are yucky."  He thought the book was yummy. Thanks Leslie.

Break

Locust buzz washes
in and out like waves on air

and the baby sleeps

New Knee News

In three weeks the swelling should be gone and my range of motion back and I go back for a recheck with the surgeon and to schedule an ACL recosntruction. They do it out-patient and depending on which procedure I get done I could be back in good form before 2012. Now I just need to read everything I can about the difference between a hamstring autograft and a bone patellar bone autograft. Anyone had either?

The Seventeenth Floor

I went to physical therapy yesterday and it was glorious. I hadn't straightened my knee out in a week. I was convinced it was locked and there was an obstruction. There wasn't. After an hour of exercising and stretching I was able to get it almost straight and am working on a regime of stretches and squeezes to get full range of motion back. Next, I see the orthopedic surgeon. They say ALC surgery is an art. I want the Rembrandt of Joint Surgeries working on mine. I did a little lopsided celebratory dance when I found he was in network. I see him on Tuesday afternoon. His office is downtown on the seventeenth floor. I've never had an appointment on a floor higher than four before. One day I will take the stairs to his office.

Slower Yet

My spare tire went flat this morning while trying to take the kid to school and we had to walk five blocks. No big deal unless you have a torn ACL and no stroller for your one year old.

Polaroid

Remember when it cost .35 cents to find out one of the twenty eight photos taken included closed eyelids? That was back when picking up photos felt as exciting as getting mail with handwriting on the outside. I'd try to make it at least to the front seat of the car before tearing open the thick packet of shiny photos, but sometimes I'd stand right there in the store reliving a birthday party and feeling incredulous about someone ruining a perfectly good group shot by putting rabbit ears behind someone else. It felt special to get double prints and sometimes I'd send them out to the people who were in them, using the mail, paying for a stamp, writing a note on the back, in cursive.

In total, I took 4 years of photography classes in high school and college. The smell of the dark room still reminds me of the freedom a photography teacher grants to roam the campus or chat away the hour with your lab partner in a tiny red lit closet with frozen moments worth printing, clothes pinned around the room. Getting your photo taken meant you'd better comb your hair, stop horsing around and smile and the only people who looked like models on film actually were models. Fixing a photo took skill, filters, a darkroom, a light hand and patience. Sometimes is was just easier to retake a photo when the zit was gone.

When I see people photobomb, duckface and put a carefully rehearsed grin behind a peace sign, I get wistful for just saying cheese and hoping your eyes are open and your fly is shut. It reminds me, in a game of charades, should I pantomime a photographer focusing a camera, my children will never guess it correctly, just like rolling down a window, dialing a phone number and tuning in a radio station.

I still have eight rolls of film undeveloped in my box of family photos. They are from 1999 the year I saw the Cubs at Wrigley field, we had a New Years Eve party and I got a my first digital camera. I've long since forgotten what could be on those rolls and I suppose I should get them developed before there's nobody left that can remember how. Maybe there will be a good shot or three on each roll or maybe our eyes will be closed in all of them.

The Universe is Slowing My Roll

Last Wednesday night, I twisted my knee funny during a roller derby drill and popped something out of place. It didn't really hurt, it was just bending in ways it didn't before and felt unstable. The next day it was swollen pretty bad and I went to the doctor. They did an X-ray and an MRI, no broken bones and I won't know about the MRI until Monday. I am off skates until further notice.

On the way home from the Boss game last night I got a flat tire. While doing 70MPH on an eight lane highway. The tire shredded and flew off in pieces. There was smoke. I wrestled the car to the side of the road just fine and called roadside assistance who upon arrival said "It's lucky you drive a big car, all that weight kept you from flipping it." Then we found a very flat spare in the trunk and had to tow the whole car home. Let this be a reminder to check your spare!

Today I am staying in the house. Should I go anywhere, I will hobble there and back. There may be beer involved.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

There were relatives and friends, water parks, camping, caves, movies, chocolates, malls, skating, shopping, concerts, cabins, dancing, parties, motorcycles, parks, amazing foods and all round great fun. We were on vacation so long, we got home sick. Today we sign up for second grade and unpack clothes, skate gear, mementos and 1005 photos.

Refreshing

In the car

Me: Can I have some of your Sweet Mint Tea?

Ella: Sure

Me: (chug)

Ella: It's tear free

Me: Huh?... Wait, how do you know it's tear free?

Ella: Because when the light turned green and you drove, I was smelling my tea and it went in my nose. It didn't even sting, so it's tear free.

Me: Did I just drink Sweet Mint Tea that was in your nose?

Ella: Don't worry, not much of it went into my nose.

Kilroy

Jack Was Here

Traveling Light

I'm doing the big trip to the Midwest to visit friends and family in a few weeks and will be traveling light again. Sort of. I'll combine the diaper bag and purse and I'll probably be carrying a one year old in a sling, though we will also bring the stroller and car seat for the airline to check at the gate and of course my one carry on bag with all mine and the baby's clothes and don't forget in there my skate gear so I can make all practices while away and of course a seven year old in tow and all her clothes in her carry on behind her and a travel bag full of crayons and snacks and sparkly things. So traveling light is really sorta funny because I'll be a veritable sweaty camel humping it all through the airport, trying not to check anything and dragging it all behind me and some of it hanging off my arms and no doubt tied around my waist and jammed into my pockets. Anything else I may need will get borrowed or bought upon arrival

First Trip Around the Sun

The Tooth Fairy Talks Tooth Taste

Sometimes you film a thing and then file it away and find it later and it makes you super happy.

again.
Tooth Fairy from Jenny M on Vimeo.

Tiny Beasties

Two Miles with One Stone

I decided Ella should get an allowance and I asked her how much it should be. She said $2.00. I don't make her do anything for the $2.00 and I never threaten to take away her allowance, she just gets it. What I get in return is a shrewd analysis of what is worth buying.

Ella jumping up and down holding a sparking, pink, plastic whatsamagig "Ooooo, can I get it? Can I get it? Can I get it?"

"How much is it?"

"$14.99"

"Do you want to spend your allowance on it?"

"Nah, I don't like it that much. Never mind."

Recently at the We-Have-Everything Store, she decided to spend her allowance. She started by making a list; One gallon fish tank $10.00, Fish food $2.00, Three Tiger Barbs $6.00.

The following pay-day we made the trip, but after reading tiger barbs are aggressive and will nip each other, she considered other fish. She settled on glow light tetra who are docile, only a dollar and promptly died in the little fish tank next to her bed that night. The next morning, I told my tearful child there was nothing we could have done for those little fishes, they were doomed from the beginning. I assured her fish don't feel much because they're just fish and in fact we were going to be eating fish for dinner... talapia not tetra. She didn't think it was as funny as I'd hoped.

After washing the tank, refilling it and letting it run for two days, we ventured out to the pet store and talked to the fish guy who assured us we were doing everything wrong.

"Tetra! Why would you do that? They are delicate and hard to keep."

"A one gallon tank!? Oh boy, you are already stressing any fish, you should just get the ten gallon instead."

"Plastic coral?! I recommend a live plant."

I smiled and explained about the allowance while he continued to talk over me, then we went ahead and bought three little tiger barbs. We're keeping them in the kitchen for three days before moving them to the kid's room and giving them names.

Yesterday, day two, the littlest tiger barb swam in circles and did flips. I announced he was a goner and the kid disagreed, claiming that he just liked adventurous swimming. Last night he was floating at the bottom. I scooped him out before realising he was still trying to breath and put him back in the tank where he just floated at the top.

In 2001, this happened to our long time self-sustaining-cube-guppy, Spike. He was two years old and dying of old age. His floater wasn't working right, he couldn't get off the bottom of the tank and for two days I hand fed him with a toothpick, a half a food flake stabbed onto the end. When he started looking bad and no longer eating, I fretted and made Dan get Spike out of the cube and chop it's head off with a pairing knife. It was the quickest thing I could think of. Later a biologist pal informed me Dr. Kevorkian would put Spike to sleep in the freezer.

So now, I have a tiny tiger barb flavored fish-sicle in my freezer next to the talapia.

Corn Syrup + DHA + Pro-biotics = Toddler Food?

I got this stuff in the mail today. The first few ingredients include whole milk powder, corn syrup solids, galactooligosaccarides...

Why in the world would you make the second ingredient corn syrup? and why would this product have so much sodium in it? I just don't understand why this is better than actual milk and food.

Ok I just looked at the add and it says;

" milk lacks, like Iron, Vitamin C, and DHA - a building block of the toddler brain."

But I'm pretty sure feeding a baby other things in addition to milk at one year old will do the same job. They pretty much want to put things in their mouths and that's the baby's way of yelling to you "Feed me things with vitamins and minerals in them!" It's called learning to eat.

I'm still not sure exactly what DHA is. When I looked and it seems to be in a bunch of food I've been told not to feed the baby yet; egg yolks, fishes, sea weeds. Also the third ingredient "galactooligosaccarides" is a pro-biotic that helps the baby digest the stuff his gut is not really built to digest yet that delivers the supplements that replace the foods he's not supposed to eat. Does this sound stupid yet?

So in total the idea is, don't feed him the foods he needs to grow his brain, instead feed him this undigestible supplement requiring a pro-biotic that will change the flora in his gut so that he can digest the supplement we say is necessary and by the way it contains a crap load of corn syrup so that it's palatable.

I'll probably throw it in the garbage and opt for actual milk and in a month or so scrambled eggs.

Summer

Dusty

Living on a corner in the city of Houston is dusty business. I try to keep the windows open often to counter the smell of ageing dog and children on summer vacation. The cars drive by in this drought and send a layer of red topsoil and yellow pollen to settle on my sills. The house smells of earth so I consider it an even trade.

Dancing Jack

Late at night, me and my favorite guy, we boogie down. He picks the tunes.

Things she said that I want to remember.

All of everyone on the planet is related somehow, we are all a big family and we should take care of each other.

***

It's time to get up the late birds are singing.

***

I won't ever hate you even when I'm 14.

Four Things on a Sunday

Is cursive going to be obsolete? My kid wants to learn it so bad and I spent years perfecting mine and I still like using it. Perhaps in the future I'll be able to write secret notes to other old people in the retirement community in cursive.

***

Jack has big eye brows, I only noticed today when we went to the pool and they were wet and stuck half way up his forehead.

***

A moment ago I felt something crawling on my shoulder, I grabbed it and it was a spider. I put it outside and then leaned way down over the sidewalk to learn it was a wolf spider.

***

This is the Edmonton roller derby eville Orange Crushers logo, I heart it and want it on a shirt.

First Day of Summer

So far nothing on the list crossed off, but the day was epic anyway.

Summer List 2011

Today is the first day of summer vacation and the ladies in the neighborhood keep asking me what summer camps we've signed up for. Perhaps I'm just a glutton for parenting or perhaps I can think of better ways to spend $250.00 in a week, but the answer is none. That's right, no summer camps, no summer tutoring, no summer programs. Instead we are making a list of 50 things we'll do this summer. Maybe you'd like to help...

So far on the list:

1. Visit Grandparents

2. Watch Astro's game

3. Get in the ocean

4. Slide at the water-park

5. Swim in the neighborhood pool

6. Tour a Cave

7. Bear Hunt

8. Play video games in PJs all day

9. Get new glasses

10. Picnic

11. Learn to ride a bike without training wheels

12. Hear music at a folk festival

13. Climb tree

14. Go to the library

15. Hula hoop

16. Jump rope

17. Make a very short movie

18. Learn a new magic trick

19. Children's museum

20. Eat something new

21. See a movie at the theater

22. Build blanket fort

23. Make a painting

24. Play outside with pals

25. Make a greeting card

26. Finish this list

27. Roller skate

28. Sing Happy Birthday to someone on their birthday

29. Teeter totter

30. Wish on a star

31. See fireworks

32. Sleepover

Additions:

33. Read a book

34. Catch lightning bugs

35. Visit a state park

36. Make popsicles

37. Make and eat S'Mores

The Accompanying Video

For this post

Walking Jack

Brilliantly Awkward

Living with a lanky seven year old can be like living with Kramer from Seinfeld. Not only is she skittering into a room and tripping over her growing limbs constantly, she often has these ideas for businesses she'll start when she grows up.

"I'm going to start a business that shops for the groceries for you and then brings them to your house, I'll call it 'Food Getters.'"

Turn It Off

How much energy does it take to run an escalator? They can't be used by people with strollers of wheelchairs, so I think they're limited to to people who can use stairs but just don't want to. Maybe we should burn less fossil fuels and a more fat to get to the second floor?

Papua New Guinea man sees an escalator for the first time.

Tits and a Dead Terrorist!

Facebook won't let people post photos of breastfeeding mothers but yesterday I was inundated with pictures of a dead terrorist. I read comments about drawing and quartering a human, letting people spit on a grave, parading a decapitated head around the country for all to see. If these thoughts are less offensive than milky breasts to the public then we have lost our way.

Thank You, Fresh Meat

I'm skating in the third bout in three weeks tomorrow. This on the tail end of something derby related every night this week. I was starting to suffer overload and then today I went and helped at try outs and there is nothing like seeing derby through a new skater's eyes. It's like watching a kid ride the Ferris wheel the first time, sheer terrified excitement followed by giants smiles and a willingness to go around again. Thank you for making it new again ladies.

Definition

Courage: to let your seven year old romp around in the waves even after they crash over her head and get salt water up her nose.

Definition

Courage: to nurse a tired teething baby

Little Things

-Stickers

-Instant coffee and strudel

-Cool dry breezes

-Tropical bird noises

-Sleepy children with dirty feet

-Old photos

-Threadbare t-shirts

-Polka

Wimpiest Cops in the World Part IV

In which 'Officer Davis' on a middle school playground in Mesquite Texas pepper sprays a baby squirrel in front of the kids.

Police Officer Complaints: ... 972-216-6236

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work

Stolen straight from the I Blame the Patriarchy post Toronto Activists Take Back the Slut in wich she attributes it to an email. Because it's worth the repost and I encourage you to pass it on.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work

1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.

2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.

3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.

4. If you are in a lift and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.

5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.

6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.

7. When you lurk in bushes and doorways with criminal intentions, always wear bright clothing, wave a flashlight, or play “Boys Who Rape (Should All Be Destroyed)” by the Raveonettes on a boombox really loud, so women in the vicinity will know where to aim their flamethrowers.

8. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you when lurking in shadows.

9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape a woman, you can hand the whistle to your buddy, so s/he can blow it to call for help.

10. Give your buddy a revolver, so that when indifferent passers-by either ignore the rape whistle, or gather round to enjoy the spectacle, s/he can pistol-whip you.

11. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

In other words, the best way to prevent rape is to not rape anybody.

Mexican Pointy Boots, The Movie!

Wimpiest Cops in the World Part III

Just go ahead and add Lakewood Police Officers in Colorado to the wimpiest cops in the world list for pepper spraying an eight year old Glennon Heights Elementary School second grader, twice.

Housewife Confession

I am frugal. I like a store sale. Give me 50% off this rack because you need to make room for new things, but please keep your coupons to yourself. It's all I can do to remember a shopping list and my recyclable grocery bags. Coupons must be clipped, sorted, brought and then the item must be hunted within the specified dates, there are rules and regulations and governing bodies to coupons. Besides all of that, in theory coupons really piss me off. I think if it's possible for a company to charge less for milk or diapers then they just should. It's the same way I can't stand when companies offer to give starving orphans, crippled puppies and cancer patients a dollar if I spend the time to wash my yogurt lids before depositing them into a hand addressed envelope and mailing them to El Paso. The company should skip the hoop jumping and give the money to the needy already, or perhaps cancer doesn't get cured this year for the want of one more dollar because I refused to be held hostage in the crazy lid scheme. It's a lot of guilt I don't need during and afternoon yogurt snack.