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Gateway Breakfast Food

My friend Derek was at the after party last night with a baggie of candied bacon in his pocket.  He'd pull it out and open the bag wafting bacon smell out into your face before the offer "Candied bacon?"  The first one is free kid. Little did I know that one bite of it would lead me out to the food truck outside where they were selling chocolate covered bacon which I loved soo much that later when our coach pulled out a bacon chocolate bar and offer everyone in the room a square, I would put both hands up and yell  "Me! Me! Oooh, me me  me! Pick me!" while hip checking every one in the way, between me and that little square of artery hardening goodness.  I hope last night's binge doesn't lead to a hardcore deep fried butter habit.

***

Dear Greenpeace, sending me an e-mail with the subject line "A Horrible Way to Die" does not entice me to open your e-mail.  Put some candied bacon in your pocket.

These Boots Are Made for Taking the Garbage Out

We are cleaning the entire garage this weekend. I have to. I don't think I can sleep until I do. I took the garbage out last night through the garage and saw a cockroach so big that it made a noise when it ran. It stopped skittering across the floor for a moment and turned to look at me, it's little arm throwing some sort of gang sign at me; it's other little arm grabbing its crotch, all the while yelling "What what! These are MY wet boxes motha fuckah!"  Had I a can of Raid, I'm sure I coulda popped a cap in his ass, but all I had was a longish t-shirt barely covering my bum, a bag of tasty garbage and flip flops. I could have stepped on it, except I had the feeling that I would have felt it's little cockroach muscles flex through my squishy, wimpy, foam flip flop pushing back against my foot and then I'd have to flex my toes into the floor to actually squish it. I couldn't do it. I just slowly backed my way out the side door to the garbage can where I fought off the urge to run and turn over the whole house, furniture, kids, food and dog to the roach. Instead I'm fighting back, armed with various chemicals, a broom and big black boots, every box gets put away, every hunk of garbage is going out and every unwelcome animal obliterated.

A Girl Scout Tell All Post

My kid and I joined Girl Scouts, you know that Radical Feminist Lesbian Agenda Group where women get together and show girls how to be cooperative, capable, adventurous, proactive humans. We're pretty excited about it and hope to learn some things about the Texas wilderness that we can't get from books. Plus - Cookies!

***

When I was a Brownie, my parents agreed to be the cookie warehouse for our troop and we had cases of cookies piled high in our dining room for what seemed like weeks.  Then John Belushi died.  Insert ominous music here.  My Dad and a few of his friends went out to celebrate Belushi's legacy of Belushiness.  Upon returning to our house with the been-out-partying-all-night-munchies they stood in front of that mountain of girl scout cookies and did what any red blooded fans of Animal House would... they shoved as many cookies as they could into their cheeks.  I'm not sure how they sorted out the great cookies shortage of 1982 but I remember my Mom being pretty pissed about them going all Cookie Monster on that mountain and someone had to call Grandma and tell her the Thin Mints were never coming. I don't think I was in Girl Scouts the next year.

***

Dad's are the Original Hipsters

Florida Woman Busted For Assaulting Roommate Over Girl Scout Cookies

The Girl Scouts' Allegedly Radical Feminist Lesbian Agenda

Chart from wired.com

Connected

Tiny Vandal

While my son TPs
the living room, I can drink
coffee he splashed in.

Danger

My pal Kiki, over at I Still Hate Pickles posted today about the wildfires and it got me thinking about what I wish I'd grabbed when we started over in Texas.  George Bush Park was on fire last night, right in the midst of Houston.  The smell of smoke hung heavy and ash rained down over our dry dead grass and brittle pine needles.  I realized, while sitting atop a giant pile of kindling, of all the things I left in Illinois that I wish I kept, a hose might be trump.

***

Heart Attack Jack has the uncanny ability to find the most dangerous thing in the room.  This morning he climbed the stairs to Ella's lair of pink, sparkly, fluff and found the single thumb tack residing in the corner of a night stand drawer and decided it looked pretty tasty.  As I found him teetering down the stairs with a tack in his mouth, I decided that he would make a good bomb squad member, he'll be able to immediately find explosives with his special danger-senses.  

Terrorism

Yesterday's overwhelming news coverage without mention of the 750,000 people facing "imminent starvation" as a direct result of terrorism is a travesty.  By all means vow to never forget, but please also find in your memory those big bellied babies standing in the dirt watching each other shrivel up in the sun while terrorists play politics with relief efforts, because I can't bare to look at the photos again and find one to show you.  I just need you to remember them, and then imagine more than 200 World Trade Centers going down in slow motion over the next year.

Holiday Hair

I was at Half Priced Books a few weeks back and found some Life Magazines from 1942. I took home three.  The articles are terribly interesting and the ads are equally entertaining as well as far more suitable for a Friday morning post.  My favorite line: " -unless you like that shiny, plastered down look which jitterbugs often prefer when they dress up for a rug-cutting session."

Enjoy!  

Kreml Hair Tonic Ad 1942
Click to enlarge 

Texas Fires

There was a haze in the air this morning and the smell of smoke. I found a lovely sunrise and no fire out the window but turned the news on anyway to make sure Ella had school. They are evacuating Magnolia. The fire is moving South-East with the wind and some schools are cancelled, not ours. I closed the windows, turned on the fan and let it filter.

Light morning snacks

I bought Jack a book called Yummy Yucky by Leslie Patricelli, because he likes to eat crayons, paper and loose change.  The book is supposed to teach him the difference between yummy and yucky things.  "Blueberries are yummy.  Blue Crayons are yucky."  He thought the book was yummy. Thanks Leslie.

Break

Locust buzz washes
in and out like waves on air

and the baby sleeps

New Knee News

In three weeks the swelling should be gone and my range of motion back and I go back for a recheck with the surgeon and to schedule an ACL recosntruction. They do it out-patient and depending on which procedure I get done I could be back in good form before 2012. Now I just need to read everything I can about the difference between a hamstring autograft and a bone patellar bone autograft. Anyone had either?

The Seventeenth Floor

I went to physical therapy yesterday and it was glorious. I hadn't straightened my knee out in a week. I was convinced it was locked and there was an obstruction. There wasn't. After an hour of exercising and stretching I was able to get it almost straight and am working on a regime of stretches and squeezes to get full range of motion back. Next, I see the orthopedic surgeon. They say ALC surgery is an art. I want the Rembrandt of Joint Surgeries working on mine. I did a little lopsided celebratory dance when I found he was in network. I see him on Tuesday afternoon. His office is downtown on the seventeenth floor. I've never had an appointment on a floor higher than four before. One day I will take the stairs to his office.

Slower Yet

My spare tire went flat this morning while trying to take the kid to school and we had to walk five blocks. No big deal unless you have a torn ACL and no stroller for your one year old.

Polaroid

Remember when it cost .35 cents to find out one of the twenty eight photos taken included closed eyelids? That was back when picking up photos felt as exciting as getting mail with handwriting on the outside. I'd try to make it at least to the front seat of the car before tearing open the thick packet of shiny photos, but sometimes I'd stand right there in the store reliving a birthday party and feeling incredulous about someone ruining a perfectly good group shot by putting rabbit ears behind someone else. It felt special to get double prints and sometimes I'd send them out to the people who were in them, using the mail, paying for a stamp, writing a note on the back, in cursive.

In total, I took 4 years of photography classes in high school and college. The smell of the dark room still reminds me of the freedom a photography teacher grants to roam the campus or chat away the hour with your lab partner in a tiny red lit closet with frozen moments worth printing, clothes pinned around the room. Getting your photo taken meant you'd better comb your hair, stop horsing around and smile and the only people who looked like models on film actually were models. Fixing a photo took skill, filters, a darkroom, a light hand and patience. Sometimes is was just easier to retake a photo when the zit was gone.

When I see people photobomb, duckface and put a carefully rehearsed grin behind a peace sign, I get wistful for just saying cheese and hoping your eyes are open and your fly is shut. It reminds me, in a game of charades, should I pantomime a photographer focusing a camera, my children will never guess it correctly, just like rolling down a window, dialing a phone number and tuning in a radio station.

I still have eight rolls of film undeveloped in my box of family photos. They are from 1999 the year I saw the Cubs at Wrigley field, we had a New Years Eve party and I got a my first digital camera. I've long since forgotten what could be on those rolls and I suppose I should get them developed before there's nobody left that can remember how. Maybe there will be a good shot or three on each roll or maybe our eyes will be closed in all of them.

The Universe is Slowing My Roll

Last Wednesday night, I twisted my knee funny during a roller derby drill and popped something out of place. It didn't really hurt, it was just bending in ways it didn't before and felt unstable. The next day it was swollen pretty bad and I went to the doctor. They did an X-ray and an MRI, no broken bones and I won't know about the MRI until Monday. I am off skates until further notice.

On the way home from the Boss game last night I got a flat tire. While doing 70MPH on an eight lane highway. The tire shredded and flew off in pieces. There was smoke. I wrestled the car to the side of the road just fine and called roadside assistance who upon arrival said "It's lucky you drive a big car, all that weight kept you from flipping it." Then we found a very flat spare in the trunk and had to tow the whole car home. Let this be a reminder to check your spare!

Today I am staying in the house. Should I go anywhere, I will hobble there and back. There may be beer involved.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

There were relatives and friends, water parks, camping, caves, movies, chocolates, malls, skating, shopping, concerts, cabins, dancing, parties, motorcycles, parks, amazing foods and all round great fun. We were on vacation so long, we got home sick. Today we sign up for second grade and unpack clothes, skate gear, mementos and 1005 photos.

Refreshing

In the car

Me: Can I have some of your Sweet Mint Tea?

Ella: Sure

Me: (chug)

Ella: It's tear free

Me: Huh?... Wait, how do you know it's tear free?

Ella: Because when the light turned green and you drove, I was smelling my tea and it went in my nose. It didn't even sting, so it's tear free.

Me: Did I just drink Sweet Mint Tea that was in your nose?

Ella: Don't worry, not much of it went into my nose.

Kilroy

Jack Was Here

Traveling Light

I'm doing the big trip to the Midwest to visit friends and family in a few weeks and will be traveling light again. Sort of. I'll combine the diaper bag and purse and I'll probably be carrying a one year old in a sling, though we will also bring the stroller and car seat for the airline to check at the gate and of course my one carry on bag with all mine and the baby's clothes and don't forget in there my skate gear so I can make all practices while away and of course a seven year old in tow and all her clothes in her carry on behind her and a travel bag full of crayons and snacks and sparkly things. So traveling light is really sorta funny because I'll be a veritable sweaty camel humping it all through the airport, trying not to check anything and dragging it all behind me and some of it hanging off my arms and no doubt tied around my waist and jammed into my pockets. Anything else I may need will get borrowed or bought upon arrival

First Trip Around the Sun

The Tooth Fairy Talks Tooth Taste

Sometimes you film a thing and then file it away and find it later and it makes you super happy.

again.
Tooth Fairy from Jenny M on Vimeo.

Tiny Beasties

Two Miles with One Stone

I decided Ella should get an allowance and I asked her how much it should be. She said $2.00. I don't make her do anything for the $2.00 and I never threaten to take away her allowance, she just gets it. What I get in return is a shrewd analysis of what is worth buying.

Ella jumping up and down holding a sparking, pink, plastic whatsamagig "Ooooo, can I get it? Can I get it? Can I get it?"

"How much is it?"

"$14.99"

"Do you want to spend your allowance on it?"

"Nah, I don't like it that much. Never mind."

Recently at the We-Have-Everything Store, she decided to spend her allowance. She started by making a list; One gallon fish tank $10.00, Fish food $2.00, Three Tiger Barbs $6.00.

The following pay-day we made the trip, but after reading tiger barbs are aggressive and will nip each other, she considered other fish. She settled on glow light tetra who are docile, only a dollar and promptly died in the little fish tank next to her bed that night. The next morning, I told my tearful child there was nothing we could have done for those little fishes, they were doomed from the beginning. I assured her fish don't feel much because they're just fish and in fact we were going to be eating fish for dinner... talapia not tetra. She didn't think it was as funny as I'd hoped.

After washing the tank, refilling it and letting it run for two days, we ventured out to the pet store and talked to the fish guy who assured us we were doing everything wrong.

"Tetra! Why would you do that? They are delicate and hard to keep."

"A one gallon tank!? Oh boy, you are already stressing any fish, you should just get the ten gallon instead."

"Plastic coral?! I recommend a live plant."

I smiled and explained about the allowance while he continued to talk over me, then we went ahead and bought three little tiger barbs. We're keeping them in the kitchen for three days before moving them to the kid's room and giving them names.

Yesterday, day two, the littlest tiger barb swam in circles and did flips. I announced he was a goner and the kid disagreed, claiming that he just liked adventurous swimming. Last night he was floating at the bottom. I scooped him out before realising he was still trying to breath and put him back in the tank where he just floated at the top.

In 2001, this happened to our long time self-sustaining-cube-guppy, Spike. He was two years old and dying of old age. His floater wasn't working right, he couldn't get off the bottom of the tank and for two days I hand fed him with a toothpick, a half a food flake stabbed onto the end. When he started looking bad and no longer eating, I fretted and made Dan get Spike out of the cube and chop it's head off with a pairing knife. It was the quickest thing I could think of. Later a biologist pal informed me Dr. Kevorkian would put Spike to sleep in the freezer.

So now, I have a tiny tiger barb flavored fish-sicle in my freezer next to the talapia.

Corn Syrup + DHA + Pro-biotics = Toddler Food?

I got this stuff in the mail today. The first few ingredients include whole milk powder, corn syrup solids, galactooligosaccarides...

Why in the world would you make the second ingredient corn syrup? and why would this product have so much sodium in it? I just don't understand why this is better than actual milk and food.

Ok I just looked at the add and it says;

" milk lacks, like Iron, Vitamin C, and DHA - a building block of the toddler brain."

But I'm pretty sure feeding a baby other things in addition to milk at one year old will do the same job. They pretty much want to put things in their mouths and that's the baby's way of yelling to you "Feed me things with vitamins and minerals in them!" It's called learning to eat.

I'm still not sure exactly what DHA is. When I looked and it seems to be in a bunch of food I've been told not to feed the baby yet; egg yolks, fishes, sea weeds. Also the third ingredient "galactooligosaccarides" is a pro-biotic that helps the baby digest the stuff his gut is not really built to digest yet that delivers the supplements that replace the foods he's not supposed to eat. Does this sound stupid yet?

So in total the idea is, don't feed him the foods he needs to grow his brain, instead feed him this undigestible supplement requiring a pro-biotic that will change the flora in his gut so that he can digest the supplement we say is necessary and by the way it contains a crap load of corn syrup so that it's palatable.

I'll probably throw it in the garbage and opt for actual milk and in a month or so scrambled eggs.

Summer

Dusty

Living on a corner in the city of Houston is dusty business. I try to keep the windows open often to counter the smell of ageing dog and children on summer vacation. The cars drive by in this drought and send a layer of red topsoil and yellow pollen to settle on my sills. The house smells of earth so I consider it an even trade.

Dancing Jack

Late at night, me and my favorite guy, we boogie down. He picks the tunes.

Things she said that I want to remember.

All of everyone on the planet is related somehow, we are all a big family and we should take care of each other.

***

It's time to get up the late birds are singing.

***

I won't ever hate you even when I'm 14.

Four Things on a Sunday

Is cursive going to be obsolete? My kid wants to learn it so bad and I spent years perfecting mine and I still like using it. Perhaps in the future I'll be able to write secret notes to other old people in the retirement community in cursive.

***

Jack has big eye brows, I only noticed today when we went to the pool and they were wet and stuck half way up his forehead.

***

A moment ago I felt something crawling on my shoulder, I grabbed it and it was a spider. I put it outside and then leaned way down over the sidewalk to learn it was a wolf spider.

***

This is the Edmonton roller derby eville Orange Crushers logo, I heart it and want it on a shirt.

First Day of Summer

So far nothing on the list crossed off, but the day was epic anyway.

Summer List 2011

Today is the first day of summer vacation and the ladies in the neighborhood keep asking me what summer camps we've signed up for. Perhaps I'm just a glutton for parenting or perhaps I can think of better ways to spend $250.00 in a week, but the answer is none. That's right, no summer camps, no summer tutoring, no summer programs. Instead we are making a list of 50 things we'll do this summer. Maybe you'd like to help...

So far on the list:

1. Visit Grandparents

2. Watch Astro's game

3. Get in the ocean

4. Slide at the water-park

5. Swim in the neighborhood pool

6. Tour a Cave

7. Bear Hunt

8. Play video games in PJs all day

9. Get new glasses

10. Picnic

11. Learn to ride a bike without training wheels

12. Hear music at a folk festival

13. Climb tree

14. Go to the library

15. Hula hoop

16. Jump rope

17. Make a very short movie

18. Learn a new magic trick

19. Children's museum

20. Eat something new

21. See a movie at the theater

22. Build blanket fort

23. Make a painting

24. Play outside with pals

25. Make a greeting card

26. Finish this list

27. Roller skate

28. Sing Happy Birthday to someone on their birthday

29. Teeter totter

30. Wish on a star

31. See fireworks

32. Sleepover

Additions:

33. Read a book

34. Catch lightning bugs

35. Visit a state park

36. Make popsicles

37. Make and eat S'Mores

The Accompanying Video

For this post

Walking Jack

Brilliantly Awkward

Living with a lanky seven year old can be like living with Kramer from Seinfeld. Not only is she skittering into a room and tripping over her growing limbs constantly, she often has these ideas for businesses she'll start when she grows up.

"I'm going to start a business that shops for the groceries for you and then brings them to your house, I'll call it 'Food Getters.'"

Turn It Off

How much energy does it take to run an escalator? They can't be used by people with strollers of wheelchairs, so I think they're limited to to people who can use stairs but just don't want to. Maybe we should burn less fossil fuels and a more fat to get to the second floor?

Papua New Guinea man sees an escalator for the first time.

Tits and a Dead Terrorist!

Facebook won't let people post photos of breastfeeding mothers but yesterday I was inundated with pictures of a dead terrorist. I read comments about drawing and quartering a human, letting people spit on a grave, parading a decapitated head around the country for all to see. If these thoughts are less offensive than milky breasts to the public then we have lost our way.

Thank You, Fresh Meat

I'm skating in the third bout in three weeks tomorrow. This on the tail end of something derby related every night this week. I was starting to suffer overload and then today I went and helped at try outs and there is nothing like seeing derby through a new skater's eyes. It's like watching a kid ride the Ferris wheel the first time, sheer terrified excitement followed by giants smiles and a willingness to go around again. Thank you for making it new again ladies.

Definition

Courage: to let your seven year old romp around in the waves even after they crash over her head and get salt water up her nose.

Definition

Courage: to nurse a tired teething baby

Little Things

-Stickers

-Instant coffee and strudel

-Cool dry breezes

-Tropical bird noises

-Sleepy children with dirty feet

-Old photos

-Threadbare t-shirts

-Polka

Wimpiest Cops in the World Part IV

In which 'Officer Davis' on a middle school playground in Mesquite Texas pepper sprays a baby squirrel in front of the kids.

Police Officer Complaints: ... 972-216-6236

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work

Stolen straight from the I Blame the Patriarchy post Toronto Activists Take Back the Slut in wich she attributes it to an email. Because it's worth the repost and I encourage you to pass it on.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work

1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks.

2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone.

3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her.

4. If you are in a lift and a woman gets in, don’t rape her.

5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her.

6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her.

7. When you lurk in bushes and doorways with criminal intentions, always wear bright clothing, wave a flashlight, or play “Boys Who Rape (Should All Be Destroyed)” by the Raveonettes on a boombox really loud, so women in the vicinity will know where to aim their flamethrowers.

8. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you when lurking in shadows.

9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape a woman, you can hand the whistle to your buddy, so s/he can blow it to call for help.

10. Give your buddy a revolver, so that when indifferent passers-by either ignore the rape whistle, or gather round to enjoy the spectacle, s/he can pistol-whip you.

11. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her.

In other words, the best way to prevent rape is to not rape anybody.

Mexican Pointy Boots, The Movie!

Wimpiest Cops in the World Part III

Just go ahead and add Lakewood Police Officers in Colorado to the wimpiest cops in the world list for pepper spraying an eight year old Glennon Heights Elementary School second grader, twice.

Housewife Confession

I am frugal. I like a store sale. Give me 50% off this rack because you need to make room for new things, but please keep your coupons to yourself. It's all I can do to remember a shopping list and my recyclable grocery bags. Coupons must be clipped, sorted, brought and then the item must be hunted within the specified dates, there are rules and regulations and governing bodies to coupons. Besides all of that, in theory coupons really piss me off. I think if it's possible for a company to charge less for milk or diapers then they just should. It's the same way I can't stand when companies offer to give starving orphans, crippled puppies and cancer patients a dollar if I spend the time to wash my yogurt lids before depositing them into a hand addressed envelope and mailing them to El Paso. The company should skip the hoop jumping and give the money to the needy already, or perhaps cancer doesn't get cured this year for the want of one more dollar because I refused to be held hostage in the crazy lid scheme. It's a lot of guilt I don't need during and afternoon yogurt snack.

Bibliophilia

I stood at Goodwill among the stacks of used books scanning each spine for something interesting when I happened upon a pink book stuck spine inward. I grabbed and turned it about before putting it back in the stacks and finding a little brown wrapped text book next to it.

The old brown wrapper is oily and smooth from being used and covers a beautiful red text book called "Mathematical Tables - From Handbook of Chemistry and Physics Seventh Edition" compiled by Charles D. Hodgman, M.S., Associate Professor of Physics at Case School of Applied Science from Chemical Rubber Publishing Co. 2310 Superior Ave. N.E., Cleveland, Ohio. 1941

It's a relic befitting of a shelf with a slide rule and a Kodak Duaflex IV twin lens camera also perched on it. It's a book I'll not take the time to read, understand or use, but a book I instantly fell in love with. On the inside cover Eugene Anthony Tiernan, who later co-authored "New Technology in Oilseed Proteins," carefully wrote the log shortcuts he wanted to easily access while he was in Iowa State College's Chem E. Class. It was a time when instead of buying a cell phone case, one bought a brown book cover to wrap a book in and had phone number like "2183-J" that an operator had to connect you to.

On the inside of the buttery little book are pages and pages filled with patterns of numbers in tables carefully typeset in something like a Bookman font. The pages are thin, smooth and abundant. The whole book lightweight and satisfyingly convenient in size. It made utterly no sense for me to buy it other than I wanted it. I paid $1.50 and with the original selling price at 55¢, if my math is right, I figured it to be a terrific investment already appreciating by almost 300%.

Hyper Kid

As parents I think we really need to stick together and build each other up. There's plenty of judgement and blame for parents to go around, but I can no longer stay silent watching folks put their six and seven year old kids in strollers at the zoo. I don't think it's wrong to make a little person walk at the zoo until they complain their legs hurt, that's when it's time to get lunch or go home. And I promise, after walking outdoors all day, they will go straight to sleep that evening.

TINY DRAWINGS BLOG!

Learning to Eat

I keep giving Jack pieces of banana and sometimes peas even a few corners of toast. The only thing he's managed to feed himself is two scraps of black construction paper and a kernel of dry dog food.

Irish Need Not Apply

How many people do you know that will proudly recite how many quarters, eighths and one sixteenths French, German, Irish, Cherokee, Jamaican, and Italian they are when asked? How many will proudly share with you a family recipe from the old country when asked? Or agree the Statue of Liberty is a powerful symbol of America? Are they the same people who would vote for the politicians in this video? Or chant USA in the face of a child who's skin is brown?

This Saturday

I'll be skating here this Saturday.

http://www.thehotrodhoedown.com/

Link

Parents Are Taking the Fun Out of Toys

By Lenore Skenazy

Shake Me Up

Last year about this time I stopped at McDonald's and asked for a Shamrock Shake, the voice on the other end of the speaker said "You want a what?" I said "A Shamrock shake... you know, the green ones...?" I was met with silence. "What kind of shakes do you have?" I demanded "Um, vanilla, strawberry and chocolate." Now I was silent while taking in the possibility that McDonald's didn't have a Shamrock Shake in Texas. I started again "I'm from the Chicago area and every year for St. Patrick's Day McDonald's makes a minty green shake called a Shamrock Shake and I guess you don't have them here." The voice on the other end said "Oh what a great idea, when is St. Patrick's Day?"

Asking a Illionian when St. Patrick's Day is, is like asking a Texan when Cinco De Mayo is.

Find your nearest Shamrock Shake here www.shamrockshake.com

Love's Aftermath

First grade class valentines; all have a prize (candy, tattoo, pencil or sticker) attached to them, are often poured over with the assumption that Kaitlyn really means it when she says best friends are fur-ever with a kitten on the front, must be hand addressed to each kid, bewilder me in how long we're supposed to keep them, enable bits of sweet tart wrappers to be stuffed into the couch.

Things Kid's Believe

I hocked roller derby t-shirts for the league at the Governor's cup this weekend. A league-mate's daughters got bored at their booth across the aisle and came to play with Jack. He had great fun playing with the elder girl's necklace. To her little sister's horror, she took it off and swung it back and forth in front of him. The little sister exclaimed "No! Don't hypnotize him!"

Almost Crawling

Restart

I started my day with coffee, Bach's Toccata en Fugue in D Minor on Organ and a falcon in my front yard eating a dead crow next to the gnarls of frozen dead bushes. I was going to work on my plan of world domination but decided I'd better nap when the baby naps and instead went back to bed. Upon waking the second time the sun was out and so was Mozart. World domination sounded like a great deal of responsibility I didn't need on top of the artwork and housework I need to finish today.

How to do Amazing Things

Put that Kool Aid Down

She came home excited about selling magazine for the school and was distressed when I told her we wouldn't be selling anything. She pleaded "What about the GIFT CARD! We could get a gift card if we sell enough?!" I stood my ground explaining if the school needs something I am more than happy to provide a donation for the thing they need, but I wasn't sure where the money was going or what the school was raising the funds for and the whole things seemed too convoluted to be useful. She pleaded while kicking her feet that she needed that prize. I asked what it was she wanted to buy with the gift card, was there something she needed or wanted that she didn't have? The answer was no, and so I stood my ground, "We do not sell tchotchkes to make money for the school to buy more tchotchkes for a classroom just dying to win the tchotchkes."

We are a country of consumers surrounded by stuff with the driving need to consume more stuff. When the kid's teacher sends home a note asking for parents to send dry erase markers or books or paper towels, I am all for sending these things, and I would even donate directly to a fund sending the teachers to conferences and classes that will extend their educations, but ask me to sell something so that part of the proceeds can go towards who knows and I'll be giving you a firm "no." It really pisses me off that the school takes away learning time to let a high pressure inspirational speaker try to transform our kids into little peddlers of crap*.

First and foremost any time someone is trying to raise money it helps to say why. I can get behind a campaign for more library books or better food in the cafeteria but I'm afraid sometimes the goal is unknown because just like my child, they're sure they want something they just don't know what it is yet. Consume, consume, consume! Once the school figures out what they need I propose some better fund raising ideas.

Here are some that are far more sincere and I think would be way more fun:

-Let the kids do a victory garden and sell the produce in the fall at a farmers market. Advertise that it's premium, gourmet, student grown produce - charge a premium.

-Art auction/sale. Invite parents and grandparents, put lots of art in. After all, who leaves their child's art un-bought. (I still invite my mom to any art auction my work is in - thanks mom.)

-Just write a letter and ask for money for the several things needed. Give people the opportunity to buy a floor buffer, flower pots, chalk board... Maybe you don't even know that one of the parents owns a floor buffer company and will just donate the thing.

- A giant fancy dress up dinner prepared by the lunch ladies. I'm talking about really just regular cafeteria food, but you ask parents to pay $10.00 to come in dressed up nice and eat it with their kids in the cafeteria. A family date nite, maybe even dancing at the end?

-Suggest a small donation at every evening school program. Some may not donate, but you'd be surprised how many people might drop a $20 in there knowing they wont have to buy a roll of $15.00 Christmas wrapping paper later.

Random Hilarity:
How To Sell Girl Scout Cookies

*Girl scout cookies are the only exception. Those cookies rule!

Grace Laughed at Me

I went to the court house yesterday to renew my car license registration. The line went out the door. There were cobwebs hanging off the people. I hoped that the office with no line was the one I needed to visit, but the lady behind the desk with no line told me to get in the line. I asked her if she thought it would move fast enough for me to get out of there in time to pick the kid up from school in three hours. She laughed at me and said I should come back today early in the morning. I left. I didn't think it was nice of her to laugh. I didn't go back today. I tried to do it online. Since we moved I have to go in person. I'm hoping tomorrow, day three of the five day overdue grace period, will be less crowded and the morning won't feel so early or funny.

These Boots Were Made For

www.chuntaritos.com/botas-exoticas

Truth?

I had the following exchange with a nurse practitioner at Jack's pediatrician's office when he was 4 months old.

"So you're going to give him these vitamin D supplements..."

"Wait, who makes these?"

"Enfamil"

"I gotta tell you, I will probably not give them to him."

"Studies show breast fed babies..."

"How about I just take him outside once in a while."

"Studies show..."

"I'm so sorry, I'm absolutely not going to. We can just move on to the next thing."

She seemed very annoyed with me and slightly shaken, but I knew what I was talking about. You see when Jack was born I was worried he was a tad jaundiced as he was so tan. When I took him in for his two week check up with the doctor at the very same clinic he said

"Nah, he's perfectly fine, you just take him for walks in the stroller and this Texas baby will get lot's of vitamin D the natural way."

After that, anything that nurse practitioner said to me was suspect, I doubted the measurement of his head that day.

I like to be an informed patient, often reading everything I can get my hands on about a diagnosis before accepting it. Sometimes I read contradictory articles and have to have long discussions with doctors addressing giant list of questions I've prepared. Today when I found Sharon Begley's article in Newsweek "Why Almost Everything You Hear About Medicine is Wrong" I was relieved to know I wasn't just overly skeptical, I'd just been paying attention and using some basic critical thinking skills. It's a good article explaining how we read about one study in the news and a few years later read the exact opposite.

This is just one part of a larger issue in reporting that we face. Anxious news outlets have been trading integrity for sensational ratings for some time now trying to compete with instant internet news, firing actual reporters and just regurgitating whatever press release is sent, slapping outrageous titles on already outstanding articles (see above mentioned link.) Network news panders instead of educating to keep us tuned in and today I see even medical journals cave to the pressure of exciting pharmaceutical rhetoric.

Critical thinking skills and healthy skepticism is a necessity in this era. From questioning a doctor's diagnosis to realizing a magazine cover is airbrushed, we must foster a classical education for ourselves and our children instead of memorizing facts and teaching to the test. It doesn't mater if one can recite the atomic weight of every element on the periodic table if later it changes and Pluto isn't a planet and life forms aren't strictly carbon based. I'm not saying throw it all out the window and go on faith, I am just saying - think.

Oldies

When riding in the car, I like the oldies station aka the Nirvana channel but sometimes I put the local pop station on in an attempt to stay fresh and hip with the kids. Unfortunately I keep hearing Hold It Against Me by Brittany Spears. The lyrics remind me of a thirty year old man with a half exposed hairy chest adorned with gold chains above tight polyester pants. Yes, I believe her lyrics were written by Larry Dallas of Three's Company;

"...If I said I want your body now

Would you hold it against me..."

I can only guess the rest of the album includes other early 80s classics such as "Hey baby, what's your sign?" "Do you come here often?" and "My place or yours?"

What Jack Likes

Scootching around the living room floor on his belly

Chewing on books and crinkling paper

Sweet potatoes

Pulling the dog's hair

Standing up while holding onto his toy box

Music

Shaking things that rattle

Football

Dropping things from the side of his highchair

Chewing on fabric

Checking out the menu so he can order for everyone

Midnight

Today was "dictionary day" at the grade school. People are supposed to dress as a dictionary word. Kids were encouraged to learn a new word, not wear a "costume" and be creative. Ella went as "Midnight" wearing all black with a few silver sparkles, a definition and picture of a clock on a black ribbon necklace. Upon dropping Ella off I saw a pink feather boa, a pink wig, some saddle shoes and a few other odd outfits, but next to Ella's the absolute best was the dude directing traffic in a tuxedo with a conductor's wand. He was so enjoying his job this morning.

isms

I like a young lady doctor, someone fresh out of medical school with all the newest information and procedures on the top of their brain, a fresh optimism and a slight looming fear of messing up, creating a need to double check everything they do. Except when picking an obstetrician, then I want a small experienced woman who has birthed children of her own and has very tiny hands.

I like an old insurance guy, someone who's been around and knows everyone in every department and is familiar with the tricks and shortcuts of getting things done. I want the guy that realizes what an easy and valuable thing good customer service is, he will come to my house when the siding gets blown off and look at it, and he goes to the country club and golfs with all the other guys that need to process my claim.

These are my sexist, ageist preferences. What are yours?

Limited Time Offer

Ella found one pink glove. She's wearing it. She mentioned to me "If you need me to touch anything cold, I will touch it."

Sleep Button

I hate the little sleep button on my keyboard. You know, the one with the moon on it, that when accidentally looked at too hard sends a computer into a narcoleptic fit of frozen, leaving me wondering what the heck just happened. Yeah, that button. I never use it, or more accurately, I never mean to use it. That button can suck it.

Chilly Scene

Kiki over at

is still doing 365 skies and this morning, I remembered while standing in my front yard looking up and thinking that this grey cold sky is making me home sick, I want to be included in the Friday Sky Roundup. So here is the cold grey Texas sky. While friends and family back home are trying to stay warm on the day they cancelled school because it was -25°, we were forced to get gloves and hats out for 32° .

One Tall Please

I received a French press for Christmas. I use it every day. It makes the best coffee in the history of coffee. Even better than the expensive coffee shop coffees and in fact the few times I went through Starbuck's drive-through and ordered a regular coffee because I've given up dairy, I received burnt coffee like sludge for $4.00, even worse than the stuff in that brown topped pot at the local gas station. When you remove all the chocolate sauce and cream what's left tastes acidic and gross. I guess the Barista Index is on the swing, all the good drink makers have left their crap ass coffee shop jobs for real ones and left the teenagers and the inexperienced olfactory challenged freaks to burn the drinks.

Knots and Mashups

We're all moved in and mostly unpacked. The bigger space has me feeling less knotted up. The handyman is coming today to do small repairs. Tomorrow is the first day back to school.

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Why is it impossible to make the back of my computer look nice? I sat down with zip ties last night and coiled up cords, yet is still look like Medusa is lurking in between my desk and my shelves.

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Go here and listen to "Imagine a Jump", "Smells Like Rockin' Robin" and shake your groove thang to "Gimmie Gimmie". Or just download the whole thing for free!

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010111

This year I resolve to let the kids eat more dirt, let the dirty dishes sit longer, skate smarter and soak in the tub longer.

Fragile

I’m packing things up today. For the first time ever we’ve hired movers. As I pack for the third time in eighteen months and realize how tired of schlepping things from place to place I am, broken things I meant to glue or sew are getting tossed, little slips of paper that remind me of something that normally would get hoarded away into a nook or the bottom of a desk are going away. I am tallying the last eighteen months as I put it all into boxes again and I keep just marking FRAGILE on everything.

The Bombadee Report

We are moving again. This time from the coast, inland and my address will officially be Houston, TX instead of a the little town next to Houston, TX. We found a house we like and so we're packing up for Christmas and moving the week of the 27th. We'll miss the kids at the apartments, but we've had over 25 days (not in a row) with either no water or no hot water and just after Thanksgiving I hit my limit of broken pipes in the complex and called a realtor. It was when I just changed a particularly messy baby and turned to wash hands to find the water just off, with no warning. At that moment I decided that even camping would be better because at least I would have water.

The new house has 4 bedrooms (so ya'll can come visit) hard wood floors, a two car garage, and is about five houses down from the neighborhood pool and toddler splash pad. It's twenty minutes from Dan's job and the skate rink and forty-ish minutes to downtown Houston. It's an hour and twenty to the beach. We'll have big trees and bike paths and I'm sure all new kids to play with and best of all, we'll be closer to everyone we know in Houston. Somehow, every friend we've made through work, gaming or derby have all been Northsiders. So yay for being able to visit people without the hour drive.

I don't think I have enough furniture to fill the new space. We really paired down for apartment living so 2011 will bring with it furniture shopping and auctions. I need a couch, bar stools, some patio furniture, a grill (is that furniture?), a chair, a china hutch and maybe a few rugs. Oh, and a washer and dryer but that's really less exciting than couch shopping (Craig's list.) Then when we get there I have to get the Kid registered for school, plan a birthday party, find an exterminator, and a lawn guy and get ready for my first away game since 2009.

The Extra Special Super Duper Seventh Birthday Sleepover Extravaganza will take place all at the new house. We're going with traditional cake, ice cream, balloons and party games and then her best pal will sleep over. My first baby is turning seven. There will be more on this later.

I've joined the Houston Roller Derby Knockouts, we're a travel team but not THE travel team (The HaRD Knocks.) At the beginning of January we're going to Baton Rogue to play against Red Stick Roller Derby. I'm pretty excited about it. We decided instead of schlepping the whole family out for one night, just I am going to to with my team mates. On top of moving to the new place, it's the best Christmas present ever. Yes, sometimes a woman, a mom, and full-time housewife who loves her family dearly, enjoys time off. Thank you Husband.

Texas Skies

When we drove into Texas in the moving truck I said "Everything really is bigger here." I was so inspired I started a series of paintings revolving around Texas Skies (I haven't finished the first one yet*.) Well, I'm not the only one who is in love with the skies around here, my pal over at I Still Hate Pickles is starting a wonderful project called Texas 365. She's posting 365 Texas Skies, and is asking for participants from wherever you are in the world. You just post a sky on Friday and link up & put a comment on her blog. Ok, ok as usual I'm late.

On the way to practice Saturday morning, taken with my phone.

*Promises to post the painting when it's done.

Recruiting First Graders

The Kid: Nathan's dad came to school today, he's in the army and he told us all about it. I want to be in the army.

Me: What does Nathan's dad do in the army.

The Kid: He fights, but there are army people who don't do fighting, that's what I'm going to do.

Me: Oh, what will you do?

The Kid: I will be a messenger and give the fighters information.

Me: Or you could also be in the Air Force and fly planes or the Navy and be on a ship.

The Kid: Doesn't the Navy just handle odd and weird things?

Me: What do you mean?

The Kid: In a movie, when odd and weird things start to happen, or monsters show up, they always call in the Navy. I'm not so sure that's for me.

Something New

Jack Tries Something New (Food) from Jenny M on Vimeo.