My Last Whopper

When I was in third grade my mom was pregnant with my littlest brother.  Being the oldest and already jilted from hogging all the attention by my middle brother, I enjoyed the audience of my peers at school.  I think it was the first time I worried about being cool or belonging to a clique.  Plus there was a new girl in class who was uber cool with her carmel blond hair and tan skin, she was bilingual and super tall, and everyone wanted to hang out with her.  Suzie didn't like me.  I don't know why, maybe because I was bossy and bull headed and a bit of a rough and tumble kid, maybe I talked too much or maybe I was just annoying, or maybe she just didn't.  I actually got into a fight with her once during recess.  I cried.  Mostly because she wouldn't stand close enough for me to do some karate punches on her face, instead she stood far away from me and kicked with her long legs.  Pretty much she was the coolest person in class.

I loved show and tell that school year.  It was a chance to stand in front of the class and star in your own show about whatever you wanted to tell about.  I signed up every week.  But pretty soon after a few months I was out of stuff to show or tell about, the show got stale as I was standing in front of twenty-five of my beloved peers trying to make my yellow number two pencil sound interesting.  Finally the teacher stepped in and very diplomatically announced to everyone "If you don't have something extraordinary to share, please don't sign up for Show and Tell."  I signed up anyway.  It came to my turn and I had nothing.  My mind raced.  I walked to the front of class and blurted out, "My Mom is having a baby."... I meant in general.  She was about eight and a half months pregnant and she was going to have a baby but how it was interpreted was she was having a baby that day, that morning, right then.  The kids in my class went nuts. The teacher hugged me.  I went with it.  It was exciting.  Everyone was all smiles thinking about little babies.  I felt like a million bucks.

The following day people wanted to know if I had a little brother or a little sister. I had a fifty-fifty shot at guessing right so I wished my baby sister right into existence.  Then I wished my baby into the Hall of Cool by telling everyone we had named her Suzie.  Then I changed the subject. We went on Christmas break and my brother Joe was born just before the new year.  In January I forgot about baby Suzie until Anita confronted me at lunch, "My little sister is in your younger brother's class, and he told her your mom had baby boy and his name is Joseph." I denied my brother Joe.  I denied my brother Andy's story.  I may have even made out like my middle brother Andy was kookoo.  I pretty much betrayed my whole family right then and there to keep face.  

The rest of the school year was followed by me spinning stories about pink frilly baby things and begging my parents to not come to school events.  This all culminated in a parent teacher conference my mother had to bring the baby to.  I was in knots thinking about being busted.  I may have even cried while begging for us to please leave that baby at home.  I imagined my teacher taking one look at that cherry-cheeked baby, dressed in corduroy blue overalls, and marching me in front of the class the next day to spill my guts. I was dying inside.

It never happened.  Mom went to the conference, with my baby brother Joe.  I sat in the hallway trying to stretch my ears into the room to see what was said and to my astonishment, they just talked about school stuff.  I waited for Mom to bring it up in the car on the way home, she didn't.  I waited for my teacher to pull me aside the next day for questioning, she didn't.  In later years whenever somebody mentioned Suzie again, I remember throwing out random little lies to keep up that first whopper and somewhere in maybe sixth grade I started saying I had another brother named Joe and soon people didn't care anymore.  I was relieved to go off to junior high in a different district and reinvent myself; a cool kid with long bangs, lots of eye-liner and a family who was none of your business.

Bear Hunt 2010

We've been in Texas long enough for me to learn most of the poisonous spiders, snakes and plants and feel comfortable taking the kids on a bear hunt. So, this afternoon when Jack was restless and bored with all of his toys and I looked out the window and saw Ella climbing that old climbing wall for the quadrillionth time I declared a bear hunt and got the stroller and the camera. We barely made it to the border of the parking lot when we were chased down and detained by the ice cream truck and after paying the driver a handsome bounty we embarked on our expedition with ample supplies; a blue raspberry Two Ball Screwball in Ella's hand and a cherry one in mine.

Upon stepping foot out into the wild we quickly found a trail to follow, something we believed the local wildlife to use often and only after 1/16^th of a mile did we realize how treacherous the path could be.

We barely made it around this banana peel.

Next we encountered what I thought may have been a crude native ceremonial facade over the opening to a volcano, but upon closer inspection, Ella reported it to be either an abandoned jewel mine shaft or possibly a storm drain covered with an old broken pallet. Either way we were sure there were snakes and spiders down there.

Shortly after we encountered this new species of flora we could not identify.

I noticed it was the same color as the blue raspberry Two Ball Screwball which lead me to believe the cuisine sold at the border of the parking lot may be grown locally.

Another specimen, in bloom.

We continued our search for bears who obviously were keeping cunningly concealed, and despite the many interesting specimens gathered on the expedition we are disappointed to announce we failed to get a bear, however we did capture a small wild panther.

Upon our return trip also spotted what we are sure is an alligator foot and tail print. Ella placed her hand beside the footprint for comparison. We estimate this alligator to be about 100 inches.

Back at the lab we spread out all our finds and set to work labeling and cataloging. Pictured below: (2) Fairy lanterns, (1) Lizard lick, (1) Sign of fall, (1) Shell, (1) Lucky fuzz ball, (1) Spherical seed pod, (1) Flower, (1) Golden spiky ball, (1) Lizard hat, (1) Bunch of poison berries, (1) Wild panther, (1) Horton hears a who flower and (2) Brave bear hunters.

Our last expedition was in July 2007, before Adventurer Jack joined the troupe. We hope to be able to embark on them more often in the future.

Crazy Hour

Most days at about six pm, imps raid my apartment for easy afternoon marauding. They tell the dog if she feels barfy that she should lie down on the couch next to the sleeping baby and that will certainly help expel the grass she ate. The rest of the gang topples delicately stacked clean laundry from the top of the dryer directly into the garbage and a third faction makes sure to incite riots on the play ground insuring the kid will be outraged and in tears when she bursts in the door. The imps make a hasty exit as the dominoes of chaos clack into each other and I grasp desperately both simultaneously trying to stop the progression and knocking down completely new sequences. Sometimes I burn dinner, overflow a bath tub or shatter a glass and assuredly this is the time slot teachers, doctors, my husband and publisher's clearing house choose to call. I stopped being upset and surprised and even ceased bracing for it. Sometimes the imps come on Saturday at ten am or Thursday mid-day just before parent teacher conferences. So if you happen to call me and on the other end of the line you hear a crash and I say “Let me call you back, crazy hour just started,” now you know.

We Went to the Zoo

We went to the Houston Zoo last weekend. The animals were... well they were zoo animals, just like any other zoo. Elephants and monkeys and otters all that, which is indeed exciting to look at but by far the favorite exhibit of The Kid was the new animatronic dinosaurs. For an extra two bucks we wandered through a little side exhibit and stared down the nose of a T-Rex that moved (it made the hair on my neck stand up a little.)

Jack's favorite was the little salt water aquarium (I think a trip to the big aquarium is in order soon)

And I liked the landscaping. Seriously, there are bamboo and palms and other amazing tropical looking plants that most Houstanites grew up with in their back yard, that still make me feel as if I'm on vacation, planted all over the zoo. I may never get over how beautiful a palm tree is.

In the afternoon, we all got crabby...

So, we decided to get some eats. Please note, the food at the zoo is overpriced and gross, imagine my surprise <- sarcasm. Next time we'll bring sandwiches from home. Despite the floppy greasy pizza, we had a great time.

The Internet Told Me

"WHY I CAN'T MAKE MOM FRIENDS" by-AGGAL02

Happy Monday - 6 New Things

Jack gets to go home today. Sunday morning his IV fell out and the doctor opted to give him once a day shots instead of restarting an IV (very difficult when the patient has tiny veins.) Since the shot is good for 36 hours his last dose is today and after that I can bust Jack outta this joint. That gets me home in time to get Ella off the school bus. I wasn't sure what I was going to do today, Dan couldn't leave work early because it's his first day at his new job. Yes, amidst the chaos of Jack being sick Dan switched jobs and bought a car. On the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale we are off the charts this week, I'm sure.

Dan accepted the new job a little more than a week ago and Friday he had to turn in his work truck. We thought about managing with just one car, but this week posed a problem and we suspected every week would pose a problem. We bought a used car and because it's just for me to run to the grocery or whatever place we tool around during the day we had the luxury of getting something totally unreasonable. We looked at convertibles, we thought about a Mustang but in the end we decided it needed to fit car seats so we went all out and got the luxury ride - 2005 Mercury Grand Marquis with leather bench seats, tinted windows, automatic everything and a trunk I could fit a gangster in. I named it Marquis Mark, and sure - I think we will be the funky bunch riding around in there. I get to drive it the first time today home from the hospital.

So this few months is a plethora of new things:

New Baby for us

New Health for Jack

New School for Ella

New Job for Dan

New Car for us

New Roller Derby Regime for me

Dear Universe, Thank You.

3:12 Update

It's late onset Group B Strep. We'll be here for at least ten more days getting antibiotics. We caught it early and dodged a bullet. I was tested for it during my pregnancy but must've got it after they tested, I passed it to Jack and it sat around in his body for 30 days building up an army. Penicillin would kick it's ass but Jack is going to get some good stuff just to make sure. We are limiting new germs so Ella will get to wear a mask when she comes up. We are hoping for a very boring ten days.

Getting Better

They are done trying to pinpoint a cause or a specific infection and ruled out some serious things (meningitis, blood infection,) they are treating it like a staph infection that could have some from a mosquito, a scratch, anywhere. He's getting broad band super antibiotics still and will continue to get that for a few more days. His body is doing what it needs to do. He's also getting something for the nausea as well as regular blood test to make sure his kidneys can handle the super antibiotics.

He is happier and fussier and more alert today. Still nursing great. The hard red swelling on his neck is almost gone and some of the rash is back but this time it's different, smaller, more like little milk pimples. We may be able to go home and take oral antibiotics in a few days instead of the projected two weeks we originally thought. We are relieved and still tense waiting to make sure his body and the antibiotics keep doing what they should.

Thank you everyone for the well wishes, prayers, thoughts, rosaries, offers to babysit and or bring food, and in general all the good juju. We feel blessed to have such a great community surrounding us both online and in three states.

Ella went to her BFFs last night and the first day of school is tomorrow. Dan will go to work late and get her on the bus, I'll leave here and get her off the bus and bring her up here until Dan gets off work. We can do that for this next week if needed and hopefully we'll all be home after that.

My cousin Kelly said a nurse once told her when her son was ill "little babies get sick very quickly but they also bounce back very quickly." Luckily that seems to be the case for us. And yes Kelly, I think I have three years of grey hairs in these three days.

Jack is Sick

We took the big trip back to IL and while we were there Jack developed an acne like rash all over his head and shoulders. After a call to the pediatrician we thought is was just baby acne. Two days after our return home he wouldn't eat and wouldn't stop whimpering with every breath. After about 40 minutes of listening to him whimper on my shoulder and waiting for a burp I called Dan and then the doctor. I took his temp it was 99.2 by the time we got to the doctor's office an hour later it was 102. They sent us straight to the emergency room.

After a blood culture, a urinalysis, a spinal tap, and an x-ray they called it sepsis and started pumping him full of antibiotics. His neck swelled up, they did two ultrasounds to make sure it wasn't closing off any airway or blood flow then they could decide if he needed to go to the bigger hospital and have surgery. They didn't find anything, just swollen tissue, so no surgery. We are on hour 30 in the intensive care unit and his fever is down, he's nursing well, his color is no longer a waxy yellow. He's still clearly in pain, and occasionally throwing up. We don't know where the infection is coming from , though the doctor asked if he'd been bitten by any mosquitoes. It's a possibility. We have the best nurse in the world. That's all I know.

Mother Mayhem

A friend asked me how my day was going and I replied "I live in a sort of quiet crazy these days, one in which I crave coffee and a shower, nonstop." I wake up each morning with such optimism and verve, by mid afternoon my optimism has churned into a plea to the universe for quiet and a sandwich and by late evening I am reduced to an animal clothed in ill fitting maternity and/or pre-maternity clothes covered in sticky, dried milk and other fluids that aren't my own and hoping for enough time with two hands free to make a bowl of cereal. This is fret-filled life with a newborn. In between coos, gorgeous little hiccups, the sleepy smiles of a new person, and the adoring cuteness of siblings, are all the uncertain maintenance life with two children and a dog require.

I keep wondering what would make the first month easier; a magic swing of endless entertainment? an accurate prediction of sleep pattern? a third arm? I just can't find a solution to the chaotic breakdown of one's life after adding a brand new person to the household. It must be necessary to completely destroy any hope of order and fully embrace the bedlam before deciding how to rebuild schedules, relationships and goals.

Then, moments like this make everything totally easy.

Stark

The things you think you need when you have your first baby fill a book and the things you know you need with the second baby you can count on one hand.

Jack's favorite nap time laundry basket

A Labor Story

Preface: It's long. I want to get it all written so I remember and so other pregnant ladies can read a story that isn't so awful. There is not much gore.

Jack was late. 5 days late and the doctor wanted to induce labor. I read everything I could get my eyes on about induction and found an extreme amount of scary information on the internet. Horrible stories about Pitocin and c-sections, epidurals that didn't work, the whole schlemiel. So when I was sufficiently spooked I decided that the very minimal amount of induction was going to have to work. The doc said I'd go in on Wednesday night for the very minimum, Cervidil (a cervix softener) and if nothing happened by Thursday morning she'd start a tiny tiny bit of Pitocin to see if it would kick start labor and if that didn't work, we'd go from there.

This made me angry. When receiving any medication for labor, hospital policy is to keep you hooked up to every monitor ever invented to make sure you or the baby aren't stressing/palpitating/tensing/breathing/bloodpressuring too much or too little. These monitors are the instruments used to indicate when to start major abdominal surgery and pull that child out the front of you instead. So of course I placed all blame for c-sections squarely on the monitors (not the condition they report - silly really.) I have spent the last 9 months avoiding tight elastic around my circumference, so the last thing I wanted was two itchy straps around me tethering me to a beeping scribbling machine during what I was really hoping to be a magical hippy earth mother experience.

In short, I hated this plan, but the alternative was to wait until the contractions I had been feeling over the last two days could throw a party in which all of them showed up on time (within three minutes of each other) and did their worst. I sent out the invitations to the contractions after walking all day and night and lifting heavy things and eating spicy food and drinking raspberry teas with pineapple and every other thing you've read but the contractions popped in fashionably late to say hello and left for another better party somewhere else. We almost got a dance party going one morning when a bunch of them showed up all at once squeezing my insides to bits, but when I got tired and laid down, they got bored and left. So, I boarded the induction ship that I was certain would dock last at C-sectionville.

I went in on Tuesday to do a "pre-op" appointment. It had two parts. In the first part Billing makes sure they have all the information they need to stalk you for the next fifty years yelling "I want my two dollars!" in addition to asking you for $900.00 out of your pocket right then and there. I told them when they deliver the services I need, then I will have a look at the bill and give them some money but until I knew I would even make it to the hospital for labor I wasn't paying anything. Billing didn't want to be my BFF after that. I wasn't sad.

The second part consisted of me leaving some blood and me signing off on every procedure they could possibly need to do to a woman. I didn't sign everything. I just couldn't. Next to hysterectomy, cesarean, removal of all lady parts, lobotomy and a few others, I wrote "will have to discuss at the time of procedure" and initialed it. The nurse said "What if you're unconscious?" and I said "Then you'll have to talk to my husband" and she said "Does he have power of attorney?" and I said "He's... my husband." really slowly so that she could understand and she said "Oh - yeah" and left me alone after that. I also had to sign a piece of paper stating I would NOT like the doctor to take pictures of my abnormal/unusual/amazing/superb anatomy for later use in a text book/teaching hospital/ laughing at in the doctors lounge/sharing on Face book.

At this point I called my doctor and said I was having second thoughts about inducing and that all the preparation for the worst case scenario was not generating any confident in the success of these procedures. I said I didn't want to hear any more anecdotal stories about what happens during an induction or what can happen if you didn't do it and I needed cold hard statistics. She quoted some percentages and I said I'd have to think about it some more, but secretly I was whispering inward to the boy telling him that it was time and he'd better get a move on or he'd be in big trouble mister.

Wednesday night loomed. At 7:30pm, during the beginning of what was almost called tropical storm Bonnie (except the storm couldn't seem to get itself together anymore than my contractions) the hospital called. They said "Women are in labor everywhere and we're out of rooms tonight you can't come in, but we'll call you back when you can." The whole world was out in the streets partying it up, birthing babies left and right and I wasn't invited. I was disappointed but then relieved for the reprieve, a scant few more hours for things to get started on their own. I paced. I barely slept. They called back at 4:30am. They had room for me.

Dan got up for a shower, I told him to take his time. I lay in bed. I stood up to get ready and there was a contraction. I brushed my teeth, another. I double checked what I'd packed and another. I hoped for the best and we went to the hospital. Upon arrival the nurse said "Let's get you hooked up for Pitocin" I almost fainted just before I said "No, we're supposed to do other things first, less drastic things!" She explained it was too late for that and if I wanted to reschedule for Saturday night we could. This time Dan almost fainted. There was a great deal of preparation that went into what to do with the dog and Ella and my mom's flight and time off work, but he looked at me and said "Whatever you want to do." Then the nurse left and came back with the news that they already had 4 inductions scheduled for Saturday night and maybe they could fit me in on Sunday, oh wait Sunday is full too, how did Monday look? Then I got panicky thinking about waiting. I had prepared, I left the canoe on the bank hours ago and was ready to roll on down the river. I was ready to float or drown or scream while going over the falls. My head was spinning and the nurse said "Let's do an ultra sound first and see if that narrows our choices at all." I let the current float me to ultrasound room.

Our amniotic fluids were low, just 4 centimeters. This changed things and suddenly we needed to figure out a new plan today, that morning, right now. The options were a bit of Pitocin or having my water broken. At 7:30am I opted for the later, immediately sending me into productive and painful contractions. I was off the monitors. I walked. I sat on a birthing ball. I listened to soothing music. I got annoyed at the world. I found my happy place. I hummed. I rocked. I prayed.

I labored like that until I threw up during a big hard contraction and said "I can do this for another hour, how long do you think it's going to be?" The nurse said "maybe two or three" and I said "Get The guy." (The anesthesiologist aka the holy bringer of numbness.) My amazing

nurse asked me if I really wanted The guy. And we had a brief but very important discussion about my end goals. My end goals were a healthy baby and a stitch free labor. I explained that I wanted to labor under no anesthetic because I wanted to be able to change positions thus encouraging everything remain in tact at the end. This magnificent nurse told me the exact thing I needed to hear. If I had an epidural then I would probably have better control when pushing and when a woman has better control over her pushing she can give the doctor the time to do ice packs and mineral oils and the no stitch plan. I almost cried I loved her so much at that moment.

When The guy arrived I was moving through the contractions counting and breathing and humming. I greeted him with a smile of relief. He tried to do his part, inserting a tiny tube into my back and taping it all in place. Unbeknownst to anyone the thing fell out and I laid flat on my back through another forty-five minutes and at least dozen hard contractions waiting for the numbing to start. Those waves hurt more when the hit me because I couldn't move with them and I was on my back. I worked at controlled breaths with the instructions of the nurse and wailed and gripped the sides of the bed. This scared the hell out of my husband who could only stand by with words of encouragement. Next they called in the head of anesthesiology who came and redid the procedure. I had numbness within the minute.

Dan was as relieved as I and we calmly talked through the next hour and waited until my body did all the things it was supposed to do. When I was almost ready to push I learned my doctor had an emergency she was tending to. If I could wait another hour not only would my body finish moving the last little bit aside to make way for Jack but she could finish up and make it to my room. I agreed to hang on for as long as I could. My nurse reminded me of the surf scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and said "Do less." I used it as my mantra until my doc showed up and said "Let's go, he's right there." The rest was simple, three strategic, long hard pushes, no stitches, healthy baby, healthy me.

Meet Jack

Born on 7/8/10 at 3:20pm a healthy and content 7lbs 10oz and 20inches. We are all happy and healthy and tired. I will have more to say when I can get enough sleep to think beyond how joyous I am.

Reassurance

We got the cradle today. Mom sent it. It had a sock monkey in it from Rockford, my home town. We put it together. I unpacked little clothes and baby sheets. And the dog got fidgety. She laid near the cradle uncomfortably watching. While I moved things around in the closet and bustled about I heard the Kid telling the Dog

"Don't worry, I know it looks like a lot, but when the new baby comes even though there will be less time for us she will still love us."

One More Bedroom

We moved a few boxes today to the new apartment and started a checklist of things that need to be fixed (mostly cosmetic stuff.) Ella already scoped out her favorite swing at the playground in direct eye-site from my living room window and I found a nice place on the enclosed patio for my easel. I also walked around the wood floors in my bare feet and despite the AC being set at 78 and the 98 degree heat outside, the floor was nice and cool. Tomorrow the truck and the fellas from Dan's work arrive to do the big move.

I am not allowed to do much. When I stand too long or lift anything more than a gallon of milk, my belly tightens up and I have to lean over. Tomorrow I think I'll mostly be hanging out with the kid and the dog and packing up last minute things like tooth-brushes and the last few dishes, perhaps a little picture hanging (small pictures).

I'm excited, it seems every porch has tricycles and skateboards, the pool was full with kids yelling "watch this cannon ball!", one of the trees in the courtyard had a rope swing on it, my closet is almost as big as Dan's old office and there is clover mixed into the not overly landscaped grass. There will a giant pool party for the kids the weekend after school lets out and I'm looking forward to meeting some of the other parents and neighbors.

Go Read

If you haven't already read The Box Car Kid's Blog - One Family's Reflections on Being Part of the Great Recession, I suggest you go give it a look.

33, 30, 18

I'm on week 33, I've gained about 30 pounds and I don't own any clothes that are comfortable any more. I have maternity things in the sizes I need, I just have an aversion to clothes, so I've taken to wearing togas around the house and just not going anywhere. This is also conducive to the 18 hours of sleep I need in a day. Everyone is healthy and good. I'd tell you more, but I really rather go lay down.

Hard Explanations

There are times when one has to explain things to a child that are difficult. Sometimes it's because I haven't pinned down my own beliefs on the subject like when asked about God and Angels and Ghosts. Sometimes it's because I'm trying to determine on the spot how much information is appropriate like explaining when it's ok to kiss a boy and beyond. Sometimes it's just because it's hard to admit the world we live in isn't fair like when I have to explain the Arizona immigration laws to the kid after she's heard bits of a news story on NPR.

Let me tell you, that last one was the hardest of them all so far. I've practiced what to say in the other instances, discussed it with my husband other parents and even bought books to help me explain, but it is hard to explain bigotry to a kid when the question presented over and over is "Why?" or the heart breaking "Didn't they learn about Doctor King in Kindergarten?" I took a minute to think about it from different angles to see if there was a way to explain just the facts. I want her to form a fair opinion, one not too swayed by my personal beliefs and there is no way to explain what is happening in AZ to a six year old that doesn't involve the words "mean," "unfair," and "skin color." She's outraged and I am glad.

I hope next time the question is easier, like why do little kids get cancer, or something like that.

Image from Guanabee

This Smiling Boy

My Breech baby boy at thirty weeks

The Lost Six Hours aka Welcome to the World Kid!

I stopped by the labor and delivery floor of the hospital connected to my OB's office today. A very nice nurse was kind enough to give me a quick tour and answer some questions. The good news was most of my labor options are up to me and my OB, like being able to eat or drink during labor, getting into the jacuzzi, or what monitoring I'd prefer. That was all great news as I vetted my new doctor with great care and I adore her. The not so good news was what happens to baby boy after being born at this hospital. I had the following eye opening conversation with the very nice nurse.

Nurse: We allow* the baby to stay in the room with you for about an hour and then we take him over to the nursery for four to six hours, for his first bath and tests while you recover.

Me: What do they do that takes four to six hours?

Nurse: We do a vitamin K injection and the Hepatitis B vaccine, PKU Screen and eye ointment, all according to your pediatrician's orders of course. Then we give baby a bath and put baby under the heat lamps to warm up and regulate body temperature. You know clean baby up, put a little hat on and blanket before bringing baby back.

Me: Wait, the nurses give the baby his first bath? Why not the parents?

Nurse: Well sometimes you can ask the nurses on staff and they'll let you participate**, otherwise you or a family member can certainly come down and watch through the glass.

Me: So, why does the baby need to have his body temperature regulated?

Nurse: After the bath they are cold and are wet and so we put them in the warmer to get their body temperatures back up. It can sometimes take a few hours.

Me: Why don't they do that in the room with me if there's a warmer in each room or better yet, why don't they just put the baby on me so I can warm him up while nursing?

Nurse: Well, again it depends on who's on that day, you can certainly ask them, but most of the time you really need some time to recover and we need to monitor the baby closely, so it's best to let the nurses do their job***.

Me: Ok, how about giving the baby a bottle? Last time the hospital did it despite my instructions not to. I plan to breast feed.

Nurse: Well, if the baby's blood sugars are low, we do give a bottle of sugar water to get them back up to speed.

Me: But if you let the mother nurse instead of making the baby wait for six hours won't that automatically keep the blood sugars up?

Nurse: Well, you know usually your milk doesn't come in for a few days.****

Me: Ok, thanks, I think those are all the questions I needed answered.

*Yes, she really used the word "allow" and it made me bristle.

** Again with the "letting" and "allowing"! While we leave the treatment of my newborn son and my participation or non-participation of his first moments all up to the random chance of who's on call and what mood she's in. I may get to watch through the glass. Good grief.

***In other words, you are asking hard questions and now I must make you feel silly so you'll shut up.

****I guess this nurse never heard of Colostrum.

So to paraphrase the whole conversation, she told me "Your baby will be born and whisked away for our nurses to wash off all the natural protective moisturizer he's born with, under cool water, perform a shit load of unnecessary tests and vaccines that one should actually wait to do and then plop him alone under a heat lamp like a Chicken McNugget while we don't feed him. After a few hours we'll give him a bottle of sugar water to correct the starvation we just imposed, totally derailing your efforts to breast feed. But he'll be fashion forward in a cute knitted hat, shiny clean and you should be all rested up in six hours!"

I will tour a different hospital next week.

***

I found this amazing resource GivingBirthNaturally.com that helped me learn about the mystery of this lost six hours. These are the things they do not tell you in the hospital birthing class.