Cindy Lou Who

She's not more than 2














Some time ago I uploaded this picture and seems people have been goggling "Cindy Lou Who" and this is the what they have in their heads when they google it - it was what was in my head when I googled it. Well, after uploading I earased it but now it still sppears here only very very tiny and so you can't find it in the blog just up above the google image divider. So now, today ( a year later) I am inserting the photo for you all here to see. Enjoy dear internet and if you please click surf around the blog - click on Bombadee's Garden and read someting recent or catch a classic like "Toddlers in the Mist" or the haorrowed tale "You are Marching in it" and Happy Holidays everyone!

The Beginning of the End

Ella and I were in the tub this morning having a discussion about babies and little girls. We have decided that Ella is a little girl now because:

1. She can talk
2. She can get her shoes on by herself
3. She doesn’t have a bottle

Naturally I steered to the topic of mommy’s milk. I told Ella that since she’s a little girl now that she could probably say bye-bye to mommy’s milk. She nodded and waved bye-bye. We talked about how if we say bye-bye to mommy’s milk we could maybe get a new baby at our house (there’s some biology/timing issues here). She was very excited about this idea exclaiming “Ella want new baby at house!” We went on with our bath; washing hair and playing with beloved Ducky and Peoplepottomus. When Ella absent mindedly had a sip of milk (mommy’s milk) I asked her if she still wanted mommy’s milk even though she was a little girl and do you know what she did… she spit it out. My heart simultaneously leapt and broke. She’ll be two soon.

Bombadee's Beer Garden

Here is a rare glimps into Bombadee's Beer Garden, from last night. I will have you all know I drank coffee and sobered before I drove home - where the Kaluha flows freely.

"Drunkitey, drunk, drunk, drunkeliciouse! Oh yeah internets I'm toasted on beers and Kaluha and creams (actually vit D milk, but same same taste). Reed Vanderwobble put a hand full of pop corn in my purse this evening and then I put the unpopped beebee like kernels in his beer - he's such a munch. Oh and Stinky Ferret Boy totally drank beer with me and we swapped teacher stories till we giggled like crazy. Lovely evening folks. Oh plus we drunk dialed Piefer and thought her daughter was she. Good thing I didn't say anything too incriminating. I took a picture with my brother and I totally said "Hey lets try and look like each other" and then we both smiled. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Little Brother! We played some "Mr. Roboto" on the juke box. Then there were many jokes about garbge trucks and Mexican shaman oh and of course handle bar moustachios... Ya had to be there. I'm not even sure I got all the jokes but I pretended like I did by laughing like mad. Ella is sleeping, Dan is up - Woooooooo hoooooo!"

Here's Mud in Your Eye

What color would you say these eyes are?

Plant Lilacs etc

Oh joy! A reason to make a list. And you know I’ll take any excuse to do so.

Here comes my year end review. I have to dig out the list from last year and see what I can check off. Alas I don’t think I made a list last year and this might explain why I didn’t do anything worthy of putting in a Holiday Letter.

So here’s the list for 2006:

Finish painting the kitchen
Finish painting the bathroom
Paint the outside of the house
Get quotes on a new porch and front doors
Have the chimney taken down
Get Ella potty trained
Wean Ella
Build another baby
Get my photos onto CD before they get lost forever
Make at least one short movie
See a hockey game with my friends
Go dancing till I’m dripping in sweat
Renew wedding vows in Las Vegas
Have way more sex
Get a good plate of scallops
Perfect a bread pudding
Find a nice china cabinet for less than $200.00
Sell my old digital camera to pay for china cabinet (Piefer - ask me about this!)
E-bay everything we don’t use
Get the pool table cleaned off enough to actually play a game
Find the perfect strappy sandals for Vegas
Organize a dinner for the Library
Start waking up before Dan leaves so we can have a 'family breakfast'
Write more letters
Finish one painting
Start writing my business plan
Get to Milwaukee for African food
Maintain
Vacuum out the van more than one a year
Attend a bonfire
Plant a veggie garden
Camp out
Plant lilacs
Karaoke with the Casseroles

Ok folks, I’m casting a wide net by listing all these things. I’ve found in the past that it makes it much easier to cross things off at the end of the year.

Breaker Breaker 1-9

Dan had the day off yesterday. He spent it with the stomach flu. Poor guy, he was so looking forward to going shopping with us. We didn’t go without him; the big events in our day were an hour long bath and then lunch at McDonald’s. I suppose if you’re almost two that’s all you could really hope for, a bubble bath and then cheeseburgers with toys.

It occurred to me last week that Ella will laugh at what I think is so modern. She’ll look back at my blogging with the same amusement I look at my parent’s fleeting fascination with CB radios. She’ll never know a time when people didn’t have music everywhere they went, and she’ll get her very own flying car and jet pack. Also last week, Dan and I talked about spending our 50th wedding anniversary on the moon.

It Was Nice

Santa, this is business...

The Gazette
December 22, 2005

Dear Santa Letters from (my Small Midwestern Town) Elementary School Students
pg. 11

Dear Santa,
Santa, this is business if you don't give me more than two things on my list I won't belive in you any more. So these are the games I want Doom 3, Doom 2 and Doom all of them on ps2 and if you don't I'll make signs about you how cruel you are like no more Santa and Santa is the meanest. I'll even send it on the internet. So I mean it buddy. From the person that does not believe in you, Ethan

Dear Internet

*

*

*

*

*

See you Monday!

Pink Sparkly Girly Foof

For the past week Ella has completely ignored the festive boxes under the Christmas tree. She will move them out of the way to get to “Grey Mama’s Birstday Prenent” Yes, under the piles of red and gold striped boxes and the silver covered packages is the small pink and sparkly wonder that is Great Grandma’s Birthday Present. Ella pulls it out every day and talks about it. She has no idea what's in it, she just knows it's pink and has a sparkly, curly bow.

Dan thinks we should’ve gotten her a train table instead of a kitchen set. HA! Pink, sparkly, girly foof here we come!

Solstice!

Hello Sunshine - Sung by Aretha Franklin

Hello sunshine,
So glad to see you sunshine,
Hello sunshine,
It’s been dark for a very long time,

I can’t explain what I’ve been through,
Trying to live my life without you,
People say I act so strange,
But you got the power to make me change,

Hello sunshine,
So glad to see you sunshine,
Hello sunshine,
It’s been dark for a very long time,

Without you sunshine,
The world is such a lonely place.
Without you sunshine,
My heart was filled with an empty space.
Without you sunshine,
The wind and the rain,
The wonders of spring,
Don’t mean a thing.
With out you baby.
With out you baby.
With out you baby!

Know I know everything is all right,
No more pain,
No more sleepless nights.
My days were dark,
But now I see,
Because my sunshine has come home to me.

Without you sunshine,
The world is such a lonely place.
Without you sunshine,
My heart was filled with an empty space.
Without you sunshine,
The wind and the rain,
Don’t mean a thing.
The wonders of spring,
With out you baby.
With out you baby.
With out you baby!

Here He Is

Ok folks here he is my newly single brother Joe. He has a job, owns a car and a house and has two dogs. He’s kind of shy and quiet. He'll be 25 on Friday the 30th.

His ex broke his heart via the telephone because she had “to find herself”, after he supported her through college. After much discussion yesterday and your comments (thanks internets) he’s decided that she had something happening on the internet (up till 4 in the morning on My Space, shut the screen off when he walked in and asked when she was coming to bed). We also decided that he was a good catch and he deserved better. At least someone who could contribute to the household either by cooking and cleaning or paying some of the bills, preferably someone that will help with both next time.

He’s so frustrated, because he felt like he was trying really hard and things were getting better. Poor guy, he’ll probably spend a lot of time at my house over the next couple of weeks. He’s off work cause of the weather (construction). He said sitting at the new house alone (pics of 7 years of relationship all over the walls) is making his stomach hurt. There might be an opportunity to go repair hurricane roofs for him that would put him in FL for 2 months. We’ll know more today. Let’s hope that pans out, he deserves a little good news.


PS My hormones are better now that I have a crisis to handle, and a peron to direct my scroogieness at.

Bitch!

My Brother's fiancé (they've been together 7 years) left him yesterday. He was cleaning house and making a pot of chili and she was out shopping for Christmas presents. She called and said she was going to her mom’s and not coming back. Earlier that week she had gone out drinking with friends (twice) and didn’t come home all night. What do you make of this internet… Give us what ya really think.

I Think I’m Having Hormones

Wednesday: We went and saw The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I asked Dan if he felt like each and every scene had its own epic climax and made him want to weep and he looked at me like I was ridiculous. I swear by the last 25 minutes, I was so tired of having my tears jerked I was just mad (and slightly sobbing).

Thursday: I clearly had my happy dial tuned in to the ’Grinch’ position.

Friday: I am flattened by the idea that Ella will grow up and that we can’t sit in big blue chair and read “Every where Babies” together for eternity.

Saturday: We visited Dan’s parents where I read the local paper. Mrs. McTeacher’s 2nd grade class had written to Santa and the Gazette published it. I thought how cute and then to my horror blubbered in front of everyone as I read the letter that went ‘Dear Santa, We had a house fire and this Christmas I just want to replace the clothes and stuff I had and if it’s not too much, I want a new puppy because my life long best friend and bestest dog in the whole world died in the fire. Love, Cindy-Lou Who’ (I’m paraphrasing).

Sunday: I read PhD’s post about The Real War on Christmas and how she has to explain to her boy “…polar bears are starting to drown, because the ice is melting and they have to swim too far to try to find food …” It breaks my heart for the whole world, every child who is disappointed, every soul that is in need, every drowning damn polar bear.

Spatula?

• I finished making my Christmas cards! Phew. Now all I have left to do is sign them, address them, put a return address on them, write a letter to go in some of them, lick them, stamp them and mail them. Simple.
• In other news, my daughter loves any man that will play a guitar for her. We went to a cafe for dinner Saturday before we went shopping. There was a long haired young man playing guitar for tips. Ella made googly eyes at him the whole time while he sang to her and smiled back. It made Dan very uncomfortable.
• Heard this weekend while breakfast cooked:
  Dan: What the hell did you do with the spatula?
  Me: I put it at the neighbor’s house just to irritate you.
  Dan: Well it’s working.
  Me: I love you too honey.

Crotchy McCrotcherson

I don't feel bloggy today. Instead I will post some photos I've stolen from god knows who's website. Feel free to write your own captions. Or just vote for your favorite.

"Crotchy McCrotcherson"

Protesting the Peace Protesters

I found this guy first

Months later I found his soulmate

Then I found this chick

And then I found her soulmate too

Eeek

And finally, my new favorite...
"Sonya on Her Birthday"

Breakfast at Bombadee's III

I put my waffles in the toaster and then fed you the only two cherries in the whole can of fruit cocktail, that’s all you wanted. The waffles weren’t done so I poked them back down into the toaster. A good song came on the radio and you took me by the hand and we danced in our jammies in the middle of the kitchen giggling and yelling “oooh lalala – oooh lalala!” I burned my waffles cause I was dancing, but the butter melted right into them they were so hot. I gave you the corner that wasn’t burnt. You sucked the butter out and fed the remainders to our dog while I ate the burnt part. I wiped you nose and put you in the tub. You splashed me and said “Funny Momma?” It’s these little things you don’t comprehend that make me realize my Mother. You won’t get it until you are the one giving up the non-burnt corner of your waffle...

Mystery Solved

Christmas wafted in while I was having sushi. Dan brought me mall sushi last night and an evergreen candle from the expensive candle store. We lit it the candle and mixed wasabi into soy sauce and there it was, Christmas drifting up my nose. It truly was the bit I’d been missing, it’s the smell that kicks it all off for me. This is the first year we’ve not had a real tree. Mystery solved, now you can all go back to worrying about world peace and WMDs now.

In an unrelated note, look at my 2 year old pretending to be a teenager. I took the picture and then realized that it may not be that far off before she’s embarrassed to kiss me in front of her friends and we aren’t bestest buddies anymore. Right now she needs me to keep her heart from hurting when she feels sad and I need her for – well, the same. We have never spent more than a few hours apart and when I see something cool I yell, “Hey Ella, come here and see this!” When she sees something cool she says “Mom, what is that?” Ella and I are symbiotic. This too shall pass and I wonder if it will actually break my heart as much as it does to imagine that I won’t always get to be her best friend.

Making a List Checking it Twice

• Christmas mood? Not so much.
  
• Holiday Cheer? I really can’t, I’m driving.
  
• Evergreen smell? On my way to buy some.
• Cookies baked? Why, the dough is so much better raw.
• Snow? Enough to make it into the tops of my boots while I scrape my windshield with a CD cover.
• Christmas Carols? Only if the Wiggles are singing them.
• Presents bought and wrapped? I think I bought enough to make the baby Jesus happy.
• Tree decorated? Ella’s still too little to make the good kind of decorations; I think I have to wait till Kindergarten art class before I can get a God’s eye with a school portrait glued to the middle.
• Holiday cards sent? Quick do something worthy enough to put into the letter.
• Thankful? Every day.

Demoralizing Our Troops

And they say I'm demoralizing the troops by demanding a valid reason for sending them out to kill.

It's stuff like this that makes me want to cuss. What I will actually do is spread this info like the flu to everyone I know and then I will remind them to vote. Please cut and paste it, blog about it, send it as a response to the next "happy-smappy go USA because Jesus voted for Bush" fwd someone sends you.

Education is the answer folks.


Bodies Sent To Families On Commercial Airliners
POSTED: 4:46 pm PST December 9, 2005
UPDATED: 10:19 am PST December 12, 2005

"...Dead heroes are supposed to come home with their coffins draped with the American flag -- greeted by a color guard. But in reality, many are arriving as freight on commercial airliners -- stuffed in the belly of a plane with suitcases and other cargo.

John Holley and his wife, Stacey, were stunned when they found out the body of their only child, Matthew John Holley, who died in Iraq last month, would be arriving at Lindbergh Field as freight. Matthew was a medic with the 101st Airborne unit and died on Nov. 15.
'When someone dies in combat, they need to give them due respect they deserve for (the) sacrifice they made," said John Holley'..."


Love is not a word that fits this despicable 'crusade'
Published: December 12, 2005

"...Westboro Baptist Church says the military casualties are God’s punishment for defending a country that tolerates homosexuality. Phelps goes as far as to say that natural disasters such as hurricanes Katrina and Rita are God’s punishment on America, too. The protests have nothing to do with the sexuality of the fallen service members.

Just as inexplicably, Phelps and his followers have called their protests “Love Crusades.” A member of the Westboro church says protesters may turn up today outside Patten’s funeral if their schedules permit..."

Homeless Veterans: An Ongoing National and Local Disgrace
Published: 12/12/2005 09:48

"...In December 2005, a veterans’ self-help agency in Brooklyn noted that they had seen “approximately 60 [veterans from the War on Terror] with serious housing needs, at least six of whom spent time in homeless shelters.” One of the program’s directors stated that, With Vietnam, you did not see homeless veterans during the conflict…What’s alarming [now] is the conflict is still in progress and you’re already seeing reported cases of homelessness. This is something new..."

When humor tells us troubling truths...about ourselves

12.13.05
"...So let's review: immediately after the President told us that more than 32,000 people have been killed, he moved seamlessly into joking around - and the audience yukked it up, as if they either hadn't even heard the casualty count, or didn't care. 32,000 people - that's like filling up an NBA arena and killing everyone in it. How could someone immediately then start hamming it up? Worse, how could the people sitting there laugh along?

The answer is clear for both the President and the audience. The reason the president could laugh it up after telling us an NBA arena's worth of people had been killed is because he and the neoconservative advisers around him who pushed this war have never actually served in combat..."

The Chicken Wing is Always Greener

I grew up looking like a string bean. All I ever wished for on my birthday were boobies and an apple butt (or any butt). I really can eat anything I want and stay pretty skinny. This sounds nice until the teenage me started obsessing on knobby knees and elbows and my best buddy in high school was a very curvy girl named Tara with the most bountiful boobies in the whole school. She lived 3 houses down from me and had a swimming pool. We would invite boys from school over and then lounge around the pool in our skimpiest of string bikinis; I like Ichabod Crane and Tara like Marilyn Monroe. Not really very good for the ol’ ego.

Years later, when I got pregnant with Ella, people said “You look great now that you’ve put on a little weight!” I knew it too. I could see the boobies I’d wished for on every birthday candle growing right before me. The boob fairy finally came. By the time Ella had grown her full 8 pounds in utero I had gained 80. I was hovering right around 200 lbs. and feeling positively voluptuous. It took 2 years to loose my curves. I don’t think I’ll ever be Ichabod Crane thin again, but still thin. The apple butt slid right into apple sauce. The thing is I never really tried; I just chased Ella around the house and the usual. This brings me to “50 Habits of Naturally Thin People” in this months Reader’s Digest.

I don’t even know why I still get this magazine, are the jokes really worth it? This article has some pretty nonrealistic ideas. Let me tell you I NEVER sit in traffic squeezing my buttocks together, I don’t do squats while brushing my teeth and I never wore a 10lb bag of sugar in a back pack while I ran errands. I don’t know any naturally skinny people who would. Mostly I’ve been trying to put on weight my whole life. I got to thinking - what are my habits that might lend to being naturally skinny? I know a few people who are trying to loose and it seems everybody’s looking for the Holy Grail of skinny. So here’s what I came up with.

1) I rarely drink pop and when I do it’s 7up
2) I only eat meat when I can recognize what part of the animal it is, i.e. “yep, that’s a chunk of cow butt”, or “Hey, look a chicken breast, yummy” if it’s ground up there might be a chance I could get a piece of gristle and ruin my appetite for meat for a week.
3) I run up and down the stairs at least 10 times a day because I forgot something
4) When I crave chocolate, I drink hot chocolate (cause it’s the only chocolate that lasts for any amount of time in our house)
5) I bake food (Cause it’s easier to throw it in the oven than to stand over the stove frying)
6) I shiver for 4 months out of every year
7) Sometimes I have just a couple of candy bars for lunch
8) I drink wine often
9) I put garlic on everything
10) I talk with my hands (it’s the Italian in me)

Ok, no doubt somebody is thinking “You stupid wench, I do all those things and I run 4 miles and I eat bird food all day and it’s not working, you don’t know how good you have it.” My answer to them is, I find you irresistible! I look at Queen Latifah and think wow, that’s a great shape! I, like many men, am memorized by cleavage and I really love when a woman has a dimple on her elbow instead of a boney ol’ chicken wing. I adore smooth skin and bigger ladies have it longer than their skinny mummy-like counterparts. I love the look of hips, I mean bountiful hips in tight jeans. So much better than sitting in someone’s lap and hearing them say “your butt bone is digging into my leg, you have to get up.”

Ok, I guess the real message here is we should all be happy that this is a worry in our lives, we could be dealing with worse.

Breakfast at Bombadee's II

Ella salted her own (click on the picture to truly appreciate)

Dance Party

Hey folks hope you like the new digs. If ya don't, you'll just have to wait till spring and see what happens.

Today we will go shopping at all the big box stores. My dear husband sits down every Sunday morning and reads the ads. This is his favorite time of year; the ads are positively suffocating when they fall from the paper into your lap. He’s spent the last hour mapping our plan of attack and clipping coupons. Next we will teach our toddler what to yell when driving behind Slowpoke McFartybutt. Dan will be annoyed at how many people will be aimlessly wandering the aisles at box store, he’ll get downright pissed and I will have to smother the urge to do this.

50%

The party was great. My house was clean when I left (shame on me). We won $100.00 gift certificate for our local farm implement/home improvement store (new hot water heater woo hoo!) I witnessed a disturbing conversation about naked snow angels. It turns out two out of the four men at our table have done them on a dare from their wife. Dan was not one of those two and I secretly felt like I was missing out on something as they described the perfect snow angels with impressions of all the bits and pieces in tact until one fella claimed his snow angel had 'impressions as big as boulder's', he called them ‘jybundus’ really - and so then I had to see him in my head with 'jybundus boulders' between his legs – shudder bleh. I am just happy that my husband gets up and moves the snow off the sidewalk for me. Besides we live in the middle of downtown, the neighbors already see all we do, could you imagine?

On the downside my ears crackle every time I swallow this morning, I think I should’ve stayed in bed. Up side - Ella is slightly better today and eating as we've rediscovered baby food.

Please Have a Bite II

Crappity crap crap. We have an office Christmas Party tonight. Grandpa is coming to baby sit a still snotty Ella. My heart is already squashed with guilt for leaving her. We’ll leave at 5:30 and be home before 9:00. I’ve been fighting with Ella every day to get her to eat even the tiniest bits of food. Normally she’s not a good eater, but honestly I don’t think she can survive on two bites of hot dog and a sip of chocolate milk. I am short-order cooking like crazy and strategically placing various foods around the house to entice Ella to end her hunger strike. I gave her pop today just to get her to drink something. If she isn’t getting better by tomorrow I'll call her Doc again.

I’m not feeling great either, my throat hurts, validating why Ella isn’t eating. There are toys from one end of the house to the other and sinks full of dirty dishes from the unsuccessful toddler diner I am running. I know I should give myself a break and let it go, but Grandpa’s coming tonight and so every cell in me wants to clean before he gets here. This urge to clean has me fighting with myself. I had an ‘aha’ moment reading Half Changed World the other day. I sometimes judge women or feel judged based on the cleanliness of the house. Sit with that for a second. I think of myself as a feminist, but I’ve done it, I’ve judged and fretted about being judged. Why is it not the man’s problem that the house is a mess? Why am I mortified that there are toys all over? I’m sure Dan could give a crap. Am I teaching my daughter this ‘female-specific shame’? How was I not aware of this domestic glass ceiling?

I do think of it as my primary job (cooking, cleaning and raising Ella) but damn it I’m sick and everyone slacks a little right? Especially when their sick.

Help me help you.

I’ve discovered I am not above calling medicine candy. I’ve also discovered the child knows the difference. I think Ella’s pain relievers taste just like sweet tarts; she doesn’t based on the fact that she gagged them back up yesterday. This morning I asked her wants some candy? She nodded and replied “Yeah, can-gee.” I got a pack of sweet tarts out (left from Halloween) and put 3 sweet tarts and two pain relievers in my hand, she knew. I waited an hour, I asked candy? She replied “Can-gee!” with a nod. I got the two cherry flavored pills out again; she said “nah” and went back to playing blocks. I finally remembered how we got the dog to eat her medicine – mush it up into cheese. I didn’t think the cherry flavor would go with the cheese so I mushed them into a couple of tootsie rolls. – Mission Accomplished!

Later we will be drinking the yummy banana flavored antibiotic (the pharmacist claimed most kids like it so much they ask for more – HA!) We will hide it in chawkey mewk (chocolate milk) and we will drink it from wine glasses, toasting each sip until it’s all down. This will be our afternoon ‘toddy’ for the next 9 days. On the bright side, she’s not crabby, green slime is not pouring from her eyes anymore and I only have body aches (no snot) so far.

Rated R for Language

We are going to the Doctor today. Ella woke up with a pot pie for a face, it looked awful. We just finished washing the last of the crust off her face and I'm giving her Coca Cola with Tylenol swished in to it and we are going to have a good soak in the tub before we go. Poor kid. She's even got wax comming out of her ears.

It is 8 below outside. I have cold induced turrets syndrome. Spontaneous cuss words fall out of my mouth between shivers, I can’t help it. I will step outside with Ella in my arms and will walk briskly to the pre-warmed van, I will be muttering between chattering teeth “sh-sh-sh-i-i-i-t! Crap! Son of a crotch-ch-ch-ch its freaking cold… Shit shit shit!” Ella will repeat “Breeking cold mama?” I will say “Yes Ella, its breeking cold, shit-t-t-t-t!”

We've got Germs!

I want to humbly apologize to anyone we’ve been in contact with in the last 4 days. Ella had snot, I thought it was because of her teeth and this morning the snot is gross, she’s definitely got germs. She won’t even eat the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms, much less the fortified crunchy parts. (and after all that ranting about canceling play dates – I should’ve been the one canceling).














12:30 addition - I decided to 'make' her take some Tylenol cold and sinus for babies and I held her down and squeezed the little eye dropper full of cherry flavored syrup into her mouth. She gagged and then barfed it all back up into my lap.

4:30 addition - Yeah for Children's Tylenol Plus Cold & Cough CHEWABLE tablets. They're dangerously similar to sweet tarts. She chowed them down and asked for more. Sorry kid you have to wait four more hours and them I will happily give you more. She’s napping finally and I’m making beef veggie soup for her.

My Phobia Her Snot

My poor Ella is teething. Her eye teeth are coming in and as a consequence she has snot. Lots and lots of snot, we are wallowing in snot here. Here’s the part where I discuss the snot, those of you who are squeamish may want to look away. It’s the kind that is clear and runny, like a river down her little lip. I could spend the day chasing her and wiping her nose every four seconds until her upper lip is raw and red and chapped or I can let it run and she will lick it off the top of her lip with her tongue and wipe it off with her sleeve and her upper lip will get red and chapped and irritated. It’s not really a win-win here, and she won’t let me put any lotion on, it probably stings. She covers her nose and cries “NooooOOOoooo, my boogers!” I need to hold her down and smear her upper lip with cocoa butter.

This is more my phobia about snot than anything else. I was a snotty kid. I had hay fever that always hit at the beginning of the school year, so every school picture from Kindergarten to about fourth grade has me in it looking like a little crack head. My upper lip chapped and red from the endless snot, I would take Benadryl for kids and always looked a little stoned. I’d have the crazy wild hair despite my parent’s morning combing; it only took one summersault or my winter hat to make it look like a muskrat that had gone though the dryer. On top of all that I wore glasses and was hopelessly pale. These photos are a nice reminder of how crunchy crusty and sore my upper lip always was or maybe how miserably unpopular I was.

So you see looking at Ella’s snotty face makes me deeply uncomfortable way down into my psyche uncomfortable. The only comfort I can give Ella (and me) is by holding her down and shoving an eye dropper full of cherry Tylenol into her mouth and then giving her a hot bath and slathering on the cocoa butter all over her face and letting her stay in jammies all day. Later I’ll warm up soup that she won’t eat because her mouth hurts. Arrrg.

One Horse Open Sleigh - kinda

Our town had its little Christmas Walk today. It was 22 degrees worth of fun. The live nativity scene walked down Main Street and the businesses downtown had free sweets and coco. In the time it took me to pour coco Ella snarfed a candy cane that Santa gave her. Whenever she eats something minty she breaths a lot afterwards it cracks me up. A one horse open sleigh gave free rides downtown (only it wasn’t a sleigh it was a carriage and it was closed not open, but hey it was just one horse!). Festivities ended kinda early though – people have to get ready for the Bears vs. Packers Game. I'm glad 'cause my tush is frozen.

Her Very Own WITCH to Hang

I was surprised to find McDonald’s chose to hand out religious figurines in their Happy Meals this Holiday Season. I found it courageous that they would tackle the issue at such a delicate time in our Nation’s ideologue. The evolution vs. creationism debate or the issue of prayer in schools hasn’t stopped McDonalds who stepped right in there throwing caution to the wind saying ‘we don’t care were you are politically or religiously we are choosing this toy to put in our happy meal’. Frankly I was a little surprised there wasn’t much outcry or argument, especially after the decision to pick such a minority religion. Well, bravo McDonalds for having the courage to give Ella her very own W.I.T.C.H. with her Happy Meal to celebrate Winter Solstice. I found the rope that she came with a little odd, was this for lynching ease? Perhaps next time we’ll try and get the one that comes with its very own stake and a match.


McDonalds Happy Meal Toys

Discuss it amongst yourselves

I'm sorry dear readers, I'm swamped this week with the Holidays and whatnots. Here are a few links I meant to blog about, I've decided that I'll spare you the rant and just share the links.

• Plagiocephaly (Listed under causes, extended time in car seat, swing, bouncy seats. Pick your kid up once in a while, DUH!)
• Internet Down Movie
• America's Next Top Reality Show I will be recording EVERY episode
• Swimwear you can chase a toddler in
• Check out Matthew Ames's Summer Collection
• Not a Baby Machine by Redneck Mother - freakin' brilliant
• Make a snowflake total fun
• Were I am currently getting my wallpaper
• Memoirs of a Geisha Soap - Not kidding, in case you want to smell like a Sweaty Asian Slave Dancer
• Heartless Bitches International (member since 1993)
• Marry Ellin's Shoulder warmers for Arthritis (Very nice, bought one fore my Mother in law for X-mas - shhh)

Oxfam.Org

Do you wish you could be Oprah? Now you can, buy someone a camel for Christmas (Oxfam UK) or Buy books to help 10 girls in Afghanistan read and write (Oxfam USA)

Damn Paparazzi

I got an early Christmas Present from Dan. He bought me another camera, this one is exactly like my old one, only not broken. I love love love it. It definatley gives a better quality to the photos. It has hexagonal pixels instead of square. I tried it out last night, taking pictures of Ella on her trike in her latest crazy ensemble. Did I mention I love it!





















If there is a flash Ella covers her eyes and exlaims "My Eyes! My Eyes!" like she's been poked with a sharp stick. Damn Paparazzi.

P.S. Folks if you plan on doing any shopping this month, do me a favor and read Twisty's rant about The brutalization of Mexican women. Please, it's important.

Pals

My dear pal Tatertot posted her Pal Criteria today and Duchess Jane posted her Dating Requirements. It’s gotten me thinking about my friends. Here’s the thing, I’ve lost a few friends in the past. I don’t mean like we got in a fight and don’t talk anymore, I mean like she was killed in a car accident or he started the car and closed the garage door and went to sleep, or she was raped and strangled in a park. Sad? – Yes extremely. Tramatizing? – Yes extremely. Coincidentally frequent? – Yes, extremely. Consequently, I didn’t make very close friends for a very long time. I was building a monument to friendship celibacy, like a widow. I was determined to make it true that I would NEVER have close friends like that again. A few years into my marriage and a few extremely jealous arguments about Dan spending time with his friends, I had an epiphany, I didn’t have any pals and that was MY problem not anyone else’s.

For a few years now, I’ve been working at being a better friend and keeping in touch with people and making sure that I have pals. It occurred to me this morning when reading both Duchess Jane’s and Tater Tot’s posts that perhaps I should stop amassing friends to prove to myself that I can and lay down some criteria. It’s quality not quantity. Plus I can never pass up the opportunity to make a good list.

The List

• Must like children
• Must respect my choices to raise my child the way I do
  -Don’t freak out when I whip out a breast to feed my kid (similarly I don’t want to have to try and explain breast feeding to your kid at this moment either. That’s for you to explain).
  -You have to be able to stand my messy house, you child will leave all play dates at my house with dog hair on their clothes.
  -Do not give my child a sip of your pop, coffee, chocolate milk or drag off your cigarette without looking to me first.
• Must raise you children similarly, I can’t have my kid witnessing things…
  -If you regularly hit/spank your child
  -If you yell things like “Shut UP! Damn, freakin’ brat!”
  -If the kids only eat after the grown ups (my aunt's in-laws did this, it was a respect thing, and it was weird)
  -If you can’t handle when our kids are both yanking on the same toy (they’ll have to learn to work it out)
• Must respect my time.
  -My family time is sometimes limited and if I plan a date with you, it’s because I really do have to plan it ahead.
  -Broken play dates break my heart every time (unless you kid’s sick, in which case thank you for not passing it along)
  -Please don’t ramble on about whether it was Friday at 10am or Tuesday at 11:15 because if it’s not important to the story I don’t freaking care.
• Please don’t try to spend too much time with me. I get sick of Dan and I LOVE him; I’ll get sick of you even faster if you try to see me every day.
• You must be willing to tell me when I’m wrong, it’s hard to respect someone who kisses your ass
• If you are mad at me, you have to tell me. I don’t get subtle hints
  -I once walked into a meeting late and heard a colleague saying “She does it just to make me mad, I can’t stand it anymore! I’ve repeatedly hinted that it bothers me and she doesn’t even care! Boss, you have to do something about this situation.” I offered “I’ll help, who are we talking about?” colleague turns to me, burst into tears and yells “YOU!” (I had no idea).
• If I ask you what’s wrong and you say “Nothing” I choose to believe you. Please, give me the same courtesy
• Please don’t ever assume that because we are friend that our husbands should be. Mine is a fickle, blunt, crabby, curmudgeon with very little time to spend with his friends and family, he’s likely to tell your husband to his face to go find his own friends.
• Don’t ask me to come to your Tupperware, Candle, Avon party unless we’ve been friends for more than 3 years and you won’t be offended when I don’t buy anything.
  
  
  

Bonus qualities (not required)

• Funny
• Eccentric
• Willing to try new things
• Can suggest fun things to do (to avoid “What do you wanna do?” “I dunno what do you wanna do?”)
• Has own money (I don’t like to pay every time)
• Likes to drink and dance
• My husband likes you too

I’m sure there’s a billion things I missed or am obsessing about that don’t really matter, but Jane was right, that was therapeutic.

The Ballet on Saturday

We went to the cutest little café on the way to the theatre and had turkey wraps and mochas. Ella wanted some whipped crème from the top of Grandma’s mocha so the waitress/barista gave Ella a little cup of whipped crème with sprinkles on top in an espresso cup and saucer and the tiniest little silver spoon. She scarfed it up along with her lunch of cheese, pickles and fruit.














We arrived at the theatre with enough time to take pictures in the lobby, find our seat and get some chocolate covered raisins. The ballet was wonderful; we were able to see guest ballet dancers from the Ballet Florida and Ballet Internationale, it really was magnificent. The soldiers and mice fight in the first act and the soldiers come out riding little horses, Ella was the only child I heard braying. Luckily the music was loud enough; I don’t think it was too noticeable. In the end of that scene the mice are defeated and they all fall down, Ella exclaimed “Oh Noooooo!” this time the audience around us snickered.

















Intermission came and we ventured out into the lobby just to see all the little girls out there rolling around on the floor and spinning circles in their little velvety outfits and slippers, some even wore tiaras. Ella was no exception she danced through intermission until Grandma bought her little ballerina and nutcracker Christmas ornaments then the play turned to spinning the ornaments on the floor.
















Act II started while Ella nursed, it was getting close to nap time for her. This is when I started to get nervous. She sat through most of the second act exclaiming “wow – pity” at all the appropriate oooh and ahh moments so she wasn’t the only loud kid. But then Ella decided it was time to go and started handing Grandma her purse and grabbing our coats. Unfortunately this was right before The Dance of the Sugar Plumb Fairy (my total favorite) I leaned over to Grandma and said “We gotta go.” Grandma said “I’ll meet you in the lobby". (This was the plan if Ella got too fussy). Grandma gathered up coats, purses, gloves, sippy cups and programs. Ella and I walked up the side aisle very slowly so I could take in as much as possible upon our exit. Ella started yelling “MAAAAaaa.”, “’Mon Maaaaaa!” (meaning Grandma! Come on Grandma!). I walked faster to exit and the crowd snickered. We made it to the lobby and later my Mom told me when she stood up to leave with all our coats in tow everyone snickered knowing she was ‘Maaaaa’.




















It was without a doubt a wonderfull afternoon.

Aw Hell Naw!

I went out this evening to kick it old school with my Ladies - The Casseroles. For those of you who are new, that’s my gang, I’m Green Bean Casserole. So Fiesta Pie, Deep Dish, Sweet Potato and the new Casserole (TBA) met me for Sushi and laughs at my favorite restaurant. We dined from 7 to 9:45 when we decided to bring it to the bar next door, we made it half way in when we heard the shitty band and the $5.00 cover and decided instead to go to Starbucks and get hopped up on double Lattes and Cookies. (We’re dangerous chicks).

We told stories about our kids and Thanksgiving and then naturally the talk turned pretty racy. I thought the conversation was totally making the table of teenagers next to us uneasy because they kept glancing over their shoulders at us. They appeared to be 16 or 17… and giggling at us. We realized it was AT us and not WITH us when Fiesta Pie pointed out that 2 or 3 spit wads had been launched our direction. Our wits perked up, these young “hip” teens were totally mocking us. The girls were rolling their eyes and the boy sitting behind TBA would actually lean over and chime in on our conversation every few minutes to be met with fresh giggles at their table.

Aw Hell Naw! NEVER, I repeat never try to embarrass a Casserole – some of us changed at least 2 shitty diapers today and others have fired people smarter than these kids. So TBA leaned way over towards Deep Dish as if Deep Dish were going to tell her a secret, then TBA lifted her leg and farted long and hard in their general direction… Yes, farted very loud… at them. Let me say it again – at them. We cracked up. Moments later they stood up to leave, there were fresh peals of laughter from our table. They slipped out red faced, girlfriends in tow, no longer snickering. TBA will henceforth be known as Soufflé.

Nutcracker

Grandma (my Mom) is taking us to see the Nutcracker today at this theatre. We are going to have a long bath and put on our tights and velvet and slippers very soon. When Grandma gets here we'll go have dainty little salads and coffee and chocolate milk at a local cafe and then off we go to see the ballerinas! Let's hope Ella enjoys it enough to stay in her seat.

(more pics to follow)

5:10 update: Wonderful, just wonderful!

Savin' it for Later

Yesterday, Ella didn’t nap. She was getting crabby so I offered a bribe - a Tootsie-pop lollypop (her favorite) in exchange for happy sticky girl. Midway through the lollypop she needed two hands to get a sip of milk so she carefully balanced the lollypop on the top of her head, took her sip and then retrieved the lollypop and put it back in her mouth.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, a story in pictures ('cause frankly I'm tired).

Now seating 14











Waiting for guests















The Kiddie Table















The Grown Ups



























Gotta have Turkey and Cranberry Sauce

















What a mess














Ella relaxing




















Dan relaxing



















Jenny Relaxing

Menu:

• Turkey
• Ham
• Green Bean Casserole
• Stuffing (homemade)
• Scalloped Corn
• Mashed Potatoes
• Gravy
• Sweet Potatoes
• Home made Bread
• Acorn Squash
• Spaghetti Squash
• Butternut Squash
• Relish tray (dill pickles, sweet pickles, black olives, green olives, pickled beats)
• Homemade Dill dip and veggies (carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, celery)
• Orange Salad (I could live on this alone)
• Mince Meat Pie
• Sweet Potato Pie w/ Jack Daniels Sauce & homemade whipped cream
• Pecan Pie & cool whip
• Pumpkin Pie (2)
• Coffee
• Before Dinner Cocktails (Cosmopolitan, Martini, Kahlua & Creme, Brandy & Cranberry Juice, Beer (MGD, Miller High Life, Leinenkugels Dark) Jack & Cokes)
• Pinot Grigio (2)
• Chardonnay
• Milk
• Iced Tea
• Brandy & Egg Nog

Did I take any pictures of all this fab food - no, I'm a dork.