Default Friends

The Time I Tried to Put a Voodoo Curse on My 4th Grade Teacher and My Two Best Friends by - Me

I’ve always been a loud mouth, bossy, opinionated woman and that’s because I was a loud mouth, bossy opinionated kid. In 'girl world' this is a little threatening and as a result I usually only had one friend at a time. It didn’t help that I was bussed to the ‘smart kid school’ from a rough part of town and my classmates were bussed from the marshmallowey suburbs, where they swam in each other’s pools all summer. I on the other hand spent my summer learning things (see previous post) or running through the sprinkler in the back yard trying desperately not to step in dog poo. My classmates wore Izod shirts and Sassoon Jeans, while I had, well... hippie parents. Did you ever beg a hippie for $60.00 LA Gear shoes that you knew you’d outgrow in three weeks? Well you might as well just poop in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up first. In short, I was the lone kid of blue collar Democrats in a school of white collar Republican kids during the Reagan years. So as you can imagine I was not the popular girl.

It’s ok, there was always at least one other girl in class nobody liked and by default that made me her best friend. She was, the chubby girl, or the tall girl, or the freckled girl, or the poor girl, or that one black girl, it never seemed to be the same girl for more than one grade, they either switched classes, moved away, or surpassed their untouchable status without bringing me along. Well, my God, in 4th grade I hit the jackpot; there were three of us outcasts, the hippie kid (me), the fat girl and the red head with uncontrollable hair. We were practically a clique!

Of course, there was always the bottom of the bottom, Cootie Boy, who sat behind me all through grade school because his name was next in the alphabet. He was ludicrously rich and ludicrously smart and ludicrously fat, he also used to talk so fast drool would end up all over his shiny lips and then at the end of his sentences he’d slurp it all back in (shudder). Every year I had to sit next to him, but at the very least he was cootier than me so I had something to feel good about. (BTW, I’m sure Cootie Boy grew into a very handsome Cootie Man and is now the CEO of some ludicrously successful international Cootie company).

So 4th grade was great, I had a clique, I was looking forward to growing boobies and there was someone cootier than me. Then Mrs. P. who I’m sure hated me anyway after I barfed on the floor during our class Halloween party, informed us of the new seating arrangements. I was delirious with the freedom of picking our seats and I forgot to lock eyes with either of my best friends to promise my undying love and devotion to share study space. I don't remember what I was doing, perhaps I was saying something mean to Cootie Boy as I bid him farewell. Anyway, the room happily buzzed and kids found their most bestest friend and moved their desks together all cozy and happy, among them Mrs. P. asked for certain chatty couples to promise good behavior. I panicked inside, nobody would even look at me, and my two default best friends already moved their desks together, oh the horror. And soon everyone was seated! I volunteered to sit by myself!!! I like to be by myself!!!! Please oh please oh please oh please let me sit by myself!!!! Mrs. P. (who I hope has since barfed in front of a group of people at a party, because that’s the worst ever and she deserves it) said to me “Nonsense Jenny! We have an even number of students, both you and Cootie Boy need a desk-mate” and she walked over and cheerfully pushed our desks together.