Why I Can Never be on Survivor

I’m blind. I wear contacts, but without them I am doomed. When the eye doctor says “Read the uppermost line on the chart” I say “Am I pointing towards the chart? I think I faintly see a grey smudge on the wall… oh, that’s you Doctor.” My glasses are very thick, when I was a kid I always had a little bump on my nose where my glasses sat and calluses above my ears and I could never pick the cute little wire frames I wanted. I was always shown over to the case with the big plastic frames that would hold lenses thick enough to burn ants in 2 seconds flat. Even now I try to pick ultra chic lenses but they just look icky once I get my great hunks of glass fitted into them and yes, I even pay the extra for the feather weight stuff. I’m telling you I can’t read my watch without my lenses. So only when my eyes are tearing up and screaming at me “Get these contacts off we need oxygen NOW!” do I get my glasses out. I try to wait until Sunday's because I could never drive with my glasses on. My world bends into a giant fish-bowl, I stub my fingers and toes on everything thinking the world is further away than it actually is, the floor bends in a permanent down hill slope wherever I go making it impossible to comfortably look at my feet while walking and Dan and Ella morph into my very own life size Bratz-Dolls with their giant heads and eyes boggling all around the house. It’s like being stuck in a Tom Petty video, it gives me a headache. Someday I’ll save up to have them shoot lasers into my eyes and carve them back into shape and even then I’ll probably still need glasses but maybe then I can get something in a cute little wire frame. But until then I'll just spend my Sundays in my fish bowl.