Oct 31, 2005

Immersed in a Gourd

There was an article in yesterday’s paper about the religious perils of Halloween. So I decided I would do a little research for today’s post. I found people who claimed that Halloween traditions came from the virgin sacrificing pagans who would burn human fat made candles in their pumpkins to ward off spirits and revel in hedonistic rituals while worshipping the god of the dead. I read about Catholics who replaced pagan holidays with catholic holidays to help boost their patronage and then there’s begging for soul cakes on All Saint’s Day in exchange for promises to pray for one’s ancestors to hurry out of purgatory and make it to heaven. Of course, there’s Druids who celebrated their deceased ancestors by honoring the harvest and the end of the farming season and the beginning of the cold and waning of the sun. I read about fairies playing pranks in villages like tipping outhouses and scattering the ash can driving organizations to push good wholesome Halloween parties where the kids bob for apples and wear costumes and dance. Stuart Schneider writes in 'Halloween in America' (1995) “…that neighborhood committees and local city clubs such as the Boy Scouts mobilized to organize safe and fun alternatives to vandalism. School posters of the time call for a “Sane Halloween.” Good children were encouraged to go door to door and receive treats from homes and shop owners, thereby keeping troublemakers away… By the 1930’s, these “beggar’s nights” were enormously popular and being practiced nationwide, with the “trick or treat” greeting widespread from the late 1930s." Novelist Wesley Lowe writes perhaps the most interesting piece yet about witches and their broomsticks. “When setting out for a Sabbath, witches rubbed a sacred ointment onto their skin. This gave them a feeling of flying, and if they had been fasting they felt even giddier. Some witches rode on horseback, but poor witches went on foot and carried a broom or a pole to aid in vaulting over streams. In England when new witches were initiated they were often blindfolded, smeared with flying ointment and placed on a broomstick. The ointment would confuse the mind, speed up the pulse and numb the feet. When they were told "You are flying over land and sea," the witch took their word for it.”

For me - Halloween is an excuse to dress and act as one’s alter ego for one night. It’s a reason to get outside and talk to each other and survey the front yard of the neighborhood. It is the last reason to mow the yard. It is a welcomed indulgence for our kids. It is the only time to invite a child to immerse down into the messy guts of a gourd and scoop it all out with bare hands squeezing the slimy seeds through little fingers, seeds that will be toasted with a dash of salt and eaten while they’re still warm. It is the first celebration of a the bountiful harvest ending on Thanksgiving Day when the harvest gives way to shopping till we’ve bought enough for baby Jesus and retailers to be rolling in their jubilation. It is a reason to light candles and cackle into the cool night air. It is the beginning of a long dark night where we cocoon in sweaters and turtle necks and the sandbox is covered until the world unwraps and blooms again.

Happy Halloween!

Oct 27, 2005

You are marching in it

A few weeks ago Ella and I were at our local farm implement/home improvement store and where we spotted adorable yellow galoshes in Ella’s size. We tried them on and Ella immediately dubbed them her “marching boots” and proceeded to march around the store singing (This is a mix of two Laurie Berkner songs “My Boots” and “We are the Dinosaurs…marching marching”). We bought the marching boots. Ella often puts them on before bed and marches around yelling/singing “B!--O!--O!--T!--S!--BOOTS! – in my marchy boots, in my marchy boots, my yellow marchy boots!” The last couple of nights she’s tried to go to bed wearing her marching boots. What follows can only be described as trying to rip my daughter’s most greatest, loveyest, only thing she needs in the whole world off her feet, sometimes involving two parents. We have a family bed and I refuse to sleep with yellow rubber boots. I was really hoping her “lovey” would be a soft little pink blanket or even a ratty old teddy. Last night we promised Ella she could put them on first thing in the morning.

This morning Ella literally jumped out of bed “Mommy! Gep-up, boots!” is what she said. “Yes, Honey you can wear your boots this morning.” She climbed down and put them on. I lay there miserable with my stuffed nose and gigantic sinus headache; I did not want to move. Ella ran back and forth at the end of the bed “BOOTS! My marchy boots!” right where we had left off. Not a terrible morning, until I looked over the side of the bed and realized my very old and decrepit dog had gotten up sometime between Dan left and I got up and puked all over the floor right next to the bed into my dirty clothes pile. I got up a little faster than I had planned and realized it was much worse. The dog had been really sick and had pooed all over near the foot of the bed… Ella had run back and forth through it yelling her boots song. Let me paint the picture - here was me stuffy head, snot running onto my upper lip, in my underwear, bed head, my contacts crusted to my eyes, dog cowering near the stairs because I am yelling “hold still! I have to get your boots off!” I am wrestling poopy boots off the screaming toddler in PJs while standing in pukey dirty clothes.

I had coffee before I went back into the bedroom to clean and I’ve saved the boots on the back porch for Dan to hose off. I just couldn’t take any more. But Ella keeps running to the back door asking for her beloved boots.


I almost spit coffee out my nose when I read my horoscope today:
“If life is a parade, you are marching in it – none of that standing on the sidelines and watching the spectacle pass you by! So wear comfortable shoes today – metaphorically and literally. You have a lot of ground to cover.”
















5:00 Update: The house is totally clean - due to this morning's shennannigans spilling over into a total cleaning spree and Dan came home early and is soaking the boots in bleach in the basement sink. It's Thursday night and all my favoriute junky TV shows are on tonight! So folks the day did get better for me.

Oct 26, 2005

2KY

So I haven’t posted anything political for some time. That bugs me because this blog was going to be my outlet for political rage. I just can’t seem to muster up enough EXTRA energy to kick the party when it’s down. I mean I have laundry and dishes and on top of that the sniffles. Besides the party is imploding on it’s own, what does a quiet stay at home mom have to add to the heap of the giant pile of shit that has fallen on the Republican party that will change anything? Well, I just can’t stand by – so I’ve decided to share this link…2000. (put your headphones on)












I’ll feel the need to follow this up by again saying “Don’t confuse the war with the warrior! I support our troops!”

BAAAAAHB!

Another day of Blah at Bombadee's Garden
  • Our first heating bill for October (when we barely used the furnace at all) was $180.00. This month was estimated based on our usage from last October. I may have to sell a kidney to pay my heating bill in November.
  • Every time Ella walked past Bob (the plasterer) up there on the ladder she’d look up and yell “BAAAAAHB!” he would say “What Ella?” and then Ella would walk away. When Bob left at the end of the day yesterday Ella asked “Where’s my Bob going?”
  • We bought the $100.00 furniture warranty with the new living room furniture. The dog puked up something yellow on the club chair. It stained and they can’t get the stain out without fading the fabric so they ordered a new chair and ottoman for me. Now I will have two big blue chairs, but one of them will have a yellowish stain on the seat.
  • I have a cold and it’s making my eye balls and my neck hurt. I told Ella I had an "ouch on my head" and she petted the top of my head.

Oct 25, 2005

Regular Day

It’s Tuesday and a pretty regular day. Cherrios for breakfast, dishes, bath, teeth, clothes, Jack’s Big Music Show, grilled cheese and soup, internet, Bob is hear plastering again and we are listening to NPR while he works. Pretty soon nap, finish blog entry, fold clothes, start dinner, dishes, TV, wait up for Dan. It’s a pretty normal day so in lieu of writing I’ll make a couple more lists.

Artists I love but who’s work I’ve only seen on the internet:
David Radler
Andrea Zuill more Andrea Zuill
Mark Ryden
Loretta Lux
Banksy
John William Waterhouse
Briliana Stremska

List of children’s books Ella and I love:
Toes Are to Tickle by Shen Roddie, Kady MacDonald Denton(Illustrator)
Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers, Marla Frazee (Illustrator)
Go, Dog. Go! by P.D. Eastman
I am Too Absolutely Small for School (Charlie and Lola) by Lauren Child

Today’s Links:
NY Times - Rosa Parks, 92, Founding Symbol of Civil Rights Movement, Dies
Iraq voters back new constitution
Editor of Afghan Women's Rights Magazine Convicted

Oct 24, 2005

Peruvian Ragamuffin

We set up scaffolding on Saturday morning to put in new ceiling fans and make ceiling repairs which involved putting many men I care about up so high that it made my toes hurt to even look. Instead of hanging around with aching toes, I gathered up my Mom and Ella and we went to the apple orchard. We bought pumpkins, fed the animals, ate popcorn and apple donuts, sat on tractors and drank hot cider. I didn’t bring a warm enough coat for Ella so I wrapped her up in my scarf. She looked like a little Peruvian Ragamuffin. She stood there shivering and asking “More goat?” I figured she wouldn’t get frostbite so we stayed out till my chin was numb. Indulgent you say? Well, I didn’t go to the apple orchard to JUST buy over priced pumpkins. (Actually mom bought).





















The Casseroles had a fine meeting on Saturday night, although the consensus is the microbrewery we went to serves beer that guarantees a headache. Too bad cause their stout tastes great. We had lots of top secret Casserole discussions including “What we call our most sacred fleshy bits”, “I have a gay relative”, and the very popular “What my husband is secretly hoping we are doing tonight i.e.: ‘stripping classes’, ‘cat fight involving beer and white t-shirts’, and the ever coveted ‘we are too drunk so all the ladies came home with me for a pillow fight and sleep over’”. That’s all I can tell you about the night without being stripped of my Casserole status.














Sunday was spent cleaning with above mentioned headache. There we’re paint chips everywhere and dust on every surface. I’m still re-vacuuming today so that in the future if I have to ask Ella “What exactly were you thinking when you filled the neighbor’s roller skate to the brim with lotion?” I’ll know it wasn’t because she ate paint chips when she was a baby it’s just because my Mother hoped I had a child just like me. (Hi Mom! I still have your pumpkin in my trunk)

Oct 21, 2005

The Casseroles

I can't wait to be rollin' with my homies again! We'll be kicken' it Casserole style Saturday night at the local brewery first we’ll get our grub on and then go see a band and get our grove on. Word to your mothers y’all - Green Bean


The Casseroles 7/29/05
I’ll post more pics after Sat.

The Toddler Runway II

Last night she was spotted in the living room watching The Apprentice with her pooch. She was sporting a slouchy wool knit sweater dress and kitty cat moccasins. She was quoted as saying: "With this years natural gas prices and the state of global warming I think it's important that we conserve whenever possible and that is why you'll see me in more knits this season."

Oct 20, 2005

Bad Advice?

I'm just going to ramble, I've been thinking about your situation since lunch. And here’s what I just keep coming back to. If you love him, tell him. But you can’t expect a damn thing in return for your love. If you want to be by him and he invites you over – go. If you want to sleep with him – do it with every cell of your body. If you want to stay and talk – stay and talk. There is rarely security when doing things that are worth doing. Life is all a chance to be taken and the things that are most satisfying are always the hardest to initiate and the most intimidating: birth, love, apologies, sex, promises, success, death (I’m guessing on that last one being satisfying). There are no guarantees, just the journey. I really believe one should love without fear of loss; we are all going to die, maybe tomorrow on the highway, maybe in an easy chair after 62 years of marriage. The point is you have to let yourself be happy whenever and where ever you can get it*. If you only get to hang with the guy you can't stop thinking about three more times then enjoy those three times don't lament the times you won't have. Carpe diem, woman you’re too young to throw your hands up, we all are.












*Within the parameters of the law and reasonable self preservation. I know reasonable self preservation is possibly the real topic here and I’m not sure I can tackle that one yet.

This may very possibly be bad advice, but now I've said it and my brain can move on now like a song that is stuck in your head until you sing it.

Oct 19, 2005

The Toddler Runway this Morning

What is Ella going to be for Halloween? Perhaps we'll just let her dress herself and the neighbors can take guesses at what they think she is.



Pictured here: Ella comes down the runway wearing a lovely pair of last years fleece lined overalls with a plastic hula skirt from Tarjay and a homemade bright red sweater. She has accessorized the ensemble with a tutu on her head, and a toy cookie ring. On her feet - her favorite kitty moccasins.

Oct 18, 2005

It's a One Bath Day

If it could go slightly wonkey today - it did. It's not like everything went WRONG, it's just not right either. The silver lining to todays' cloud? The child did not puke on her shoes today, the dog did not run over and lick it up and there has only been a need for one bath so far.

Oct 17, 2005

I used to travel

I used to travel all over the US letting people pay me to tell them to stop running your company with their head in up their ass.

I loved this job.
1. I was paid plenty
2. -to tell people what to do
3. I traveled all expenses paid
4. Nice wardrobe
5. Room service
6. Maid service
7. Rental car
8. Challenging in every way
9. Insanely rewarding

10. Bonuses!
11. Respect via - I worked my way up from the very bottom
12. Impressive title

I hated this job.

1. Everyone laughed at my jokes ALL the time
2. New husband at home
3. New house
4. New puppy
5. Couldn’t sleep
6. Stomach hurt

I quit and took a nice office position that paid decent and I didn’t care about so much. I would be able to quit without looking back when it was time to stay home with the babies.

Today I am doing a few things for my Dad’s small construction company. He needed someone to do general office crap part time from their house. I volunteered and he pays me far too much – how do I know? Well, I’m still a consultant at heart. It’s killing me watching the way he runs his company. I hadn't offered any comments in the way of changing things till yesterday (it's seriously stressing me to see him so stressed). I told him that he needed to hand some responsibilities to his very competent employees - including me because he was paying me far too much. This morning he called with a very important task, I was so excited he took my advice! Here it was he is finally going to utilize my vast abilities.

He asked me to go to his house and switch the laundry around, get the mail and have another house key made.

Sunday Drive

Sunday Drive

Before we go, one of us finds some new obscure music on the internet and makes a CD and we go, sometimes I bring the crossword from the news paper, Dan and Ella always bring books. These are some of my most favorite times. There have been pumpkin patches, Easter egg hunts, vacations, long weekends, city trips, country trips, direct routes and scenic routes and the ‘I’m not telling you I’m lost’ routes, blizzards, rain storms, compact cars, trucks and minivans. Time seems to be put on hold when we’re in the car together.

Our best moments are in the car:

  • “Do you want to drive?” “No, I just want to bitch about how you drive”.
  • Dan’s crooning “I’ll stop the world and melt with you!” and Ella trailing along with a high pitched “Yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu!” and me giggling.
  • I am listening to NPR and Dan and Ella snoozing away inches from me.
  • String cheese and candy bars and watching for the next rest stop.
  • A reflective moment at the end of a night out, before we walk in to pick Ella up and bundle her sleeping into her car-seat, I say "Wanna make out or somethin'?" we both crack up.
  • I’m waking up and looking for my shoes amid the CDs, books, toys, empty juice boxes and potato chip bags all over the floor.
  • We are all singing “My mom has a lion on her head – ROOOOAAAARRR!” complete with the hand scratching the air motion.
  • We are munching hash browns with really bad coffee and thinking up toddler-friendly cuss words for the driver in front of us.


It is total contentment, the pressure is off, we are on our way and going just as fast as we are going. Nothing further can be done about; what time we are getting there, what we are wearing, what we forgot, who we brought, or for that matter world peace, unemployment and starving babies – there’s nothing you can do about it in the car so there’s no use even worrying.


Oct 16, 2005

Irresponsible Mom?

A member of our family warned me on Saturday that the “Lift-a-Flap” books that I buy for Ella are very dangerous. She saw something about them on 20/20 on Friday night. I replied “Oh, no! They are Ella’s favorites. She sometimes takes them to bed with her. What’s wrong with them?” The reply “I know she loves them, I paid attention to the story because I know you buy those for Ella, it turns out they’re flammable”. I wouldn’t kid you on this one folks – she said it with a straight face. I almost replied “Well, I’ll tell Ella not to read them while playing with her Baby’s First Blow-Torch.” Bless their heart, I know they meant well.

Movie Scenes that Make You Cry?

What movie scenes always make you cry?

I always tear up when extremely large groups of people sing. It has to be a really big group though. So when the
Blues Brothers are in church - I cry, even when the marching bands roll out in Drum Line – I cry, when they go “Down by the River to pray” in O’ Brother Where Art Though – I cry, but Annie singing "Tomorrow" - not so much. This also applies to sporting events - I tear up EVERY time the “Star Spangled Banner” is sung by the crowd or even "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". Hell, if we’re at a Hockey game and everyone starts to yell “Hey” together I start to crack. We once went to my niece’s cantata which consisted of 25 eight year olds singing “The Little Drummer Boy” out of tune – I sobbed the whole time. This partially explains why I don’t do well in church; I literally choke up when the congregation starts to sing. So if there’s a movie that has groups of people singing – I stay far away, it’s just too much emotion for me. It has to do with the power of unity in jubilation, that’s as far as I can try and understand it. You won’t catch me at the theatre for “The Gospel” but I’ll be getting a box of Kleenex and renting it.

Oct 15, 2005

Camel Toads

From Ask Leslie (10/12/05 - I think. I have no idea what news paper)















"Q: I hope you can help me with a problem I have with my godson. Last summer he vistied me for two weeks and plans to return in July. When cleaning out the room he stays in, I found an unfinished correspondence to a chum of his in his hometown. In it he says he to our local pool to "scout out some camel toads." (I believe that's what it said, He had spilled iced tea all over the desk when writing it, and damaged a lot of papers.) I'm concerned he is doing drugs. I tried to look for camel toads in a drug book, and I didn't find them, but I found references to some type of frog or toad that people in another country lick to hallucinate. I don't want to approach him on this until I have more information. He is a good boy in middle school whose parents do not even drink. Please let me know what camel toads are and how I might be able to tell if he is smoking, taking or licking them. Perhaps I should have talked to his parents, but I don't want to jump the gun. Is this something the local authorites need to be alerted to in order to protect other patrons at the pool or surrounding area? - A concerned and uninformed reader.

A: The iced tea did a number on the toads, so my younger, hipper coworkers tell me. What he undoubtedly wrote was "camel toes," a crude euphemism for , well , too-tight pants worn by females. The good news is that the expression has absolutely nothing to do with drugs. It has everything to do with why teenage boys go to the pool in the first place."



I think I peed a little I laughed so hard.

Oct 14, 2005

Friends SHouldn't let Friends Drink & Blog

Firstly- I will preface this entry by saying I've been drinking and I'm not using a spell check.

Secondly - I love to make lists

Thridly - I asked Jane what I should blog about and she said: "Why won't my dog eat Burger King french fries unless they are dipped in ketchup first?".

Fourthly - The answer is: This is in fact because dear Rex is just like a child and you have spoiled that child like I have spoiled mine. You see my child will not eat fries at all but only the ketchup - she cries and bounces up and down in her booster whining for more 'dip'. This is ok though, you see, ketchup must have some tomatoes and so it must have some vitamins - right? You see Ella only sucks the 'dip' off and sometimes she accidentaly gets some french fry. Rex doesn't have lips well defined enough so he is forced to eat the whole fry along with the ketchup. Poor Rex the little-lipped pup.

Fifthly - Do Oreo Double Delight Mint-n-Cremes go with Bourgogne A. Rodet 2003 Pinot Nior? I know if I had just the plain Oreos I should be having a Pinot Grigio (you know white with white) but I'm not sure what the green should go with. Oh-well, I'm planning to eat a whole row anyway.

Sixthly - I love Burger King's french fries

Seventhly - I'm not thinking of a seventhly, but I want to get to an eighthly (because 8 is my favorite number)

Eighthly - I bought Ella a $4.00 hair bow this evening at the mall and it only took her 45min. to loose it

Tune in Tokyo

I heard this story in the radio this morning and thought it was a joke. The breast MP3 player yet says "...the next generation of Zens, iPods and Walkmans could come in the form of breast implants.So says BT futurologist Ian Pearson, who suggests one boob could hold the processing tech and the other could secret away flash memory to store titilatting tunes. A battery and USB port would be fitted in the underwiring of a bra and connect to the MP3 player through the wearer's skin."

So go ahead men, put it on the christmas list. Dear Santa, I'd like to get my wife tricked out this year with titanium mags, tinted shades and oh I totally want the bose boobies. She'll love it! I just can't wait for the testicular implant with the GPS system in it.

Oct 13, 2005

Sometimes I Keep Them

(Me me me me - Meme)

Twenty Random Facts about Me

  1. I love Pee Wee Herman
  2. I think typing is fun, but I still have to look at the keys
  3. I would go topless if it were legal
  4. I can’t stand ‘slow-talkers’
  5. I can crochet
  6. I’m an artist because in 5th grade I wasn’t part of a group anyway and it was easier to explain why I was always alone if I was drawing something
  7. I gossip and I’m trying to stop
  8. I want to name my future son Pablo James
  9. In my head I’m actually only 27 years old (not 32)
  10. There’s a restaurant on 7th Street who’s spring rolls I have a serious addiction to
  11. I used to obsess over what others thought of me
  12. and I still would if I had the time
  13. Most days I feel guilty for not getting off my booty and going to volunteer at a soup kitchen
  14. I love shopping at goodwill (Ralph Lauren for $1.50 is exhilarating)
  15. My husband still feels like ‘the new guy’ in my life (it’s been 12 years)
  16. I have my Grandmother’s smile
  17. I own at least 7 evening gowns
  18. I love to Google-Image strange phrases and look at other people's photos - sometimes I keep them(see below)
  19. I wanted to grow up to be a lawyer/ballerina
  20. Now, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up

Ok - Duchess Jane your turn.

Googled: Dad Back in the day



















Googled: When we were young


















Googled:
Summer time toobin'
















Googled:
Crazy Saturday Night















Googled: Dan & Jenny














Googled: Mommy swim suit

Oct 12, 2005

Wed Movie - "I Dropped the Ball"

We didn’t see a movie this week as our Wednesday sitter wasn’t available. This left me the chance to catch “The Apprentice Martha Stewart”. Of course I loved it! It’s basically just another hour of “The Apprentice” but hey, more of a good thing is good. Although, it brings up a topic that really irks me. I know I am guilty of using a popular phrase here and there. It’s hard for me to get a point across without using a cliché sometimes but for the love of peanut water people STOP saying “I stepped up to the plate and took it to the next level by thinking outside of the box and giving it 110 percent.”

Firstly, what would not “stepping up to the plate” look like? “Aw I didn’t feel like stepping up so I sat down and clipped my toenails instead”.

Secondly, what “level”???!! What the hell does this even mean? Did you take the elevator to the upper floor? Perhaps you just dug further into the 5th parallel of hell?

Thirdly, anyone that says they are “thinking outside of the box” clearly isn’t.

Fourth, I wouldn’t ever hire someone to help RUN my company that doesn’t understand there is ONLY 100 percent and anything beyond 100 percent is imaginary.

I think “The Apprentice” should have a new rule that says anyone caught over-using clichés automatically gets fired.

Prime example - FIRED
Cutting Edge - FIRED
Big Picture - FIRED
Team Player - FIRED
Chance of a lifetime - FIRED
Fight tooth and nail (Just gross - FIRED)
Neither here nor there - FIRED
And to be totally honest – (As opposed to only being half honest or just a complete lying cheese-booger-butt-head? - FIRED)

And please stop naming your team things like Phallus and Gargantua it’s like a men’s deodorant commercial.

Having said all that, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, yes - I still love it!




Oct 11, 2005

Origins

Look what I found today! How ya like me now?

Bombadee -
1. A person that is really cool and famous.
2. A term used for expressing excitement.
3. A boob; A tit; a breast; the circular fat part of a woman that surrounds the nipple
1. Dude, look, its Britney Spears! She's a freaking bombadee!

2. Yeah we're going to Disneyland! BOMBADEE!!!!!
from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bombadee&defid=1455756

The actual story -
My 21 month old daughter LOVES to pretend she's talking on the phone. Who does she talk to? Bombadee of course. She starts every pretent conversation with "Hi Bombadee?..." followed by more cute kid garble I can't understand and then "ok bye!" and she claps her little play cell-phone shut.

Manic

I think my blog is manic depressive. It seems to alternate from "the world is crap and we should be doing something" to "la-dee-da look at my cutsey pootsey baby and I'll tell you about the adorable thing she did today." So in perfect "bipologar" fashion here comes the cute...


Things that Ella mispronounces that make more sense her way:

  • Arm-peek (Arm-pit)
  • Wowees (Flowers)
  • Papa’s psycho (Papa’s motorcycle)
  • Giggle giggle giggle (Tickle tickle tickle)

Quake Imapct

Anger grows over quake response

Rain halts some aid flights to quake victims; more than 35,000 estimated dead

Pakistan Kashmir faces disease after quake -officials

At a glance: Quake impact

U.S. Pledges $50M in Pakistan Quake Aid

Unicef
Save the Children

Oct 10, 2005

Parental Discrimination

After much thinking and reading – Part II of In Response to Something I Read this Morning.

Parental Discrimination – dirty looks from co-workers for leaving early to take care of sick kid aka the reason one didn’t get a raise or promotion.

It is said of men who have babies “He’s a good family man” and the boss nods his head knowing that the man has “responsibilities” and will be loyal to the company. It’s true, I had a baby and we decided I would stay home if Dan could get a raise, he asked and tada – here I am at home. Funny how it means the exact opposite for women – hell I’ve heard it first hand from employers, I even thought it myself, “Oh great, she’s got three kids, guess who’ll covering for her when the kid is barfing.” So here’s the question – When it comes to parents in the work place why do men have responsibilities and women have liabilities?

I think it really does come down to who makes more money. Our good friends Jeff and Tracy just had a baby and Jeff stays home because Tracy made more money. The general rule seems to be whoever makes less gets to take time off – that’s logical. Except women in general make less… why? Well, because they take all that time off work – you know with the snotty kids and the pregnancies and their women’s days and all that girly stuff.

Maybe the problem is how we look at quality work? Perhaps it would be better if more people could work from home, or be on salary, or bank hours, or get insurance for part time work, or be allowed by law to take more days off to be with family. Hmmm, these are all workers’ rights issues. Ok stand back - here is where I bring it around to politics! We need to campaign for and elect politicians who support workers’ rights and a Living Wage and this will promote positive, equal work environments were the phrase “family values” actually means “families have value”.

President CEO of a Rather Important Estate

In response to something I read this morning:

I am the full time President CEO of a rather important estate. I make sure everything here runs smoothly. I oversee accounts payable and receivables and all investments. I manage the building, including bids for any remodeling or repairs and the cleaning and general maintenance of the structure as well as the three vehicles utilized by the group. I run all the essential operations of the kitchen, including the food procurement as well as service, preparations and disposals. I also obtain, maintain and repair of all garments. I handle the health, emotional, social and intellectual development of the children here. I maintain a hectic social calendar for all the officers at the estate. Not to mention countless other ventures including any holiday planning/social events, breakdowns in any or all systems and all emergency contingencies.


I don’t take many days off as I am a workaholic and love my job in all its aspects. I’ve been told I am a bit of a micro manager though – so if course I’m working on letting some projects handle themselves a bit more. Being President and CEO as you can imagine has some great perks – I get a company car, the dress code is at my discretion, I can bring my kid to work, the day’s activities are shaped by my direction including a two hour lunch if so desired. I feel my previous occupations as an Assistant Service Manager, Teacher, Saleswoman and Assistant Investment Broker, nearly prepared me for this one. Most of what I do was learned on the job, as it requires much expertise in multi-tasking and patience and the work can be different each day. In short I am the ‘do it all lady’ around here, too bad my position doesn’t hold the prestige it should.

You see, I get paid in love and appreciation, and that’s what keeps me at it day after day. My title? – Stay at Home Mom. (The estate I run is ours – does that mean it doesn’t count?)





Please Note: This post is not meant to be a shot at any CEOs who are currently outsourcing any of the above mentioned projects.

Oct 7, 2005

Colder than T&A

Two days ago it was 88 degrees. Today it is 52 degrees.

We are trying not to turn the heat up so it feels like

  • It’s colder than a well-digger's butt
  • It's colder than a witch’s tit in a brass brassier
  • Colder than a frog's ass
  • Colder than Christian charity
  • Colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon
  • It's colder than a bucket of penguin poop
  • The dogs are sticking to the fire hydrants
  • It’s colder than a nun’s tit
  • It’s colder than a polar bear's butt
















Ok I know it's not that cold yet - but I'm whining about it anyway.
Today's Link:
Witch's Tit

Oct 6, 2005

Wed Movie - Wedding Crashers

Wedding Crashers
Funny but overwritten. At times we felt like the characters were explaining the movie to us, too bad because the story line is a good one. I still can’t believe Owen Wilson plays the cute serious one. Dan insists he’s handsome in a regular guy sort of way like Dustin Hoffman – but I say that nose reminds me of a penis. I can’t help it, there’s a cleft in the tip of his nose. Now Luke Wilson – there’s a cutie! Ok – I’m off track. Vince Vaughn had great delivery, but he did kind of play the same character he always plays – still ok with me, I love that smart-ass character.

Best line:

As Vince Vaughn’s character clinks glass of brandy to his pastor’s glass “Here’s looking up your address.”

Second best line:
Secretary: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Vince Vaughn’s character: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.

Oct 5, 2005

AT&T I Challenge You to a Duel

I’ve owed AT&T $3.75 since July and I don't think I'm going to pay it. That’s all the long distance we use here on the ol’ land line, since our cell phones have free long distance. At some point, you guessed it; they ‘restricted’ our service, meaning they shut our long distance off. God knows when this happened because we don’t make long distance calls. I discovered it today when my cell was low and I knew I might be on hold for some time, instead I got the message that we had been ‘restricted’ and I should phone AT&T at the following #.

I sat on hold until I was told that my service has been shut off and I could pay it with a credit card along with an additional $10.00 re-activation charge… hmm… I say “What if I don’t pay it?” she says “We send you to collections Ma’am.” Can you imagine that dilemma that could create? “I’m sorry Ma’am, you’ve been denied your home improvement mortgage because you owe AT&T $3.75, perhaps you could work out some sort of payment plan with them.” Could we be sued for the outstanding $3.75 + $10.00 to re-activate + Court costs? Could I go to jail for not paying AT&T? Would my bunkmate be at all threatened by my outright refusal to pay my $3.75?

Let me add that the operator started the above conversation with “I see you have AT&T for your long distance – we’d like to thank you for staying with us.” So I say “Don’t you want to keep my business? Just waive the $10.00 and I’ll pay the $3.75” She says with much disdain “Ma’am, we can not waive the $10.00 as your account is four months overdue, you can pay it and then request that the $10.00 be credited back to your account.” Hmmm, if we actually did get a $10.00 credit it would last us the next 15 years of long distance. I say “Let me call you back”.

Later I talk to Dan who says we signed up for online bill pay and they’ve never sent out a late notice, we’d been shut off with no warning. Let the battle commence! AT&T I challenge you to a duel - let it be a clash of wits and bureaucracy at dawn… or whenever I’m done holding.









Yeah, I know I've got time on my hands... but I gotta fight 'the man'.

Oct 4, 2005

Mommy Jeans

Halloween is coming up and I still haven't decided what to be. When I was a kid I was a vampire year after year starting in Preschool. It's my old standby. I really want to be something easy and funny this year as we are going to my very dear friend's house for a party and it'll be ok to be completely outrageous.

I thought about going as a "Mommy". This costume consists of tight, possible stone washed, blue jeans pulled up to my waist. These jeans have to taper at the ankle cause a GIANT camel toe. White sweat-socks and Velcro tennis shoes are a must. I’d do big hair and lots of makeup, maybe some bifocals hanging off my neck, a 'cute' sweatshirt with perhaps country pumpkins embroidered on it and matching plastic pumpkin earrings that are also ‘cute’. A giant purse with everything you can possible need in it, including my knitting. I was thinking a “Hello my name is… Ella’s Mom and I craft” sticker on my chest might add to the whole ensemble. Dan would wear plaid shorts, Hawaiian shirt, his ‘nerdy glasses’ black socks pulled to his knees and flip flops, maybe even a chef’s hat and apron with a ‘cute’ saying like “Kiss the Cook” on it.

Here’s the problem, what if there are people at the party who wonder "why we those people wear a costume?" How mortifying would this be? Meeting someone for the first time and them wondering about my GIANT camel toe. This occurred to me when I was standing in line at my local (Midwest) grocery store behind a woman wearing my proposed Halloween Costume. Yikes!






I googled “Mommy Butt” and “Mommy Jeans” to try and come up with some images for more ideas and could only find these few examples. Dan walked by the computer and while I was doing this asked with some alarm “What the heck are you looking at?!” I told him I was doing research and he just shook his head and said “Oookaeee” and walked away.

I know there was an SNL skit once called ‘Mommy Jeans’, it was a faux commercial. I’m just surprised there wasn’t more out there on the inetnet.





































This total lack of definition regarding "Mommy Jeans" makes me want to get a few pairs, put them on and take butt pictures for the internet. Perhaps I will start scouting for ‘Mommy Jeans” and covertly take “Mommy Butt” pictures for my website. It will be a website like Cameltoe.com and we’ll sell t-shirts and ad-space and make thousands of dollars. Please help me define “Mommy Butt” and “Mommy Jeans” if you have any pics or ideas – just send them to Jenny88888888@aol.com Thanks folks - I'll keep you updated.

Oct 3, 2005

Mammals, Reptiles, Insects and Muppets

It occurred to me this evening while singing the forty-third round of Old McDonald with Ella that she thinks Ernie is just another creature in our universe. He’s just as real to her as the elephants in her picture books. Ernie is on her pillow case and in her puzzle and on TV and so are monkeys and tigers and chickens and horsies. She very possibly thinks that the animal kingdom is split up into Fish, Birds, Mammals, Reptiles, Insects and Muppets.

Let me show you the path my brain took to this theory. Ella and I were singing… “And on that farm he had a…?…” and Ella would say “Kitty!” and on we’d go “with a meow-meow here and a meow-meow there…” so again I say “On that farm he had a…?...” and Ella says “Ernie!” So I go with it… “With a cccchhhheee* cccchhhheee here and a cccchhhheee cccchhhheee there…”

(How in the world do you SPELL Ernie’s laugh).

Hooray for Stinky Ferret Boy!

Hooray for Stinky Ferret Boy! He’s an extraordinary kind of super hero – the kind who fills in for you when you just can’t bring yourself to do so. He’s the type that stops you from drowning yourself in despair and the kind who reminds you faintly of that math teacher who always said he believed in you and you should just apply yourself and you can be anything you want to be.



































Make sense of this entry here.

Pirates are so Ungrateful

Puny Pete the Ballerina Pirate came over first thing this morning. She rode her horse straight into the house and demanded I fix pickles and cheese for breakfast.


















After breakfast, she lounged around reading a book while I slaved away in the kitchen doing her dishes. Pirates are so ungrateful.


Ms. Miers knows about laws and stuff


I keep hearing the following in my head -

Rove: Ok George who do you think you might like to pick?
GW: How about Rummy
Rove: George he's not a Judge
GW: Well Brownie's doin' a good job
Rove: I don't think your getting this...
GW: I like Bill Frist
Rove: A judge George - pick a judge and perhaps you should try and pick a woman so we can keep the polls up
GW: A woman? A smart woman, hmmm... Condi says she's smart.
Rove: A judge George!
GW: How about my Lawyer Ms. Miers, she knows about laws and stuff?
Rove: (sigh) yes George, Ms. Miers knows about laws and stuff.

Today's Links about Ms. Miers:
Village Voice
BBC
NY Times

Oct 2, 2005

Baby Tees

I went to a baby shower yesterday. These are some of the designs I put on the t-shirts we gave to the expectant couple for their new baby.






















































This one was their favorite